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HELP!!! What do i do???


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Old 06-05-2004, 07:41 AM   #1
daytek312
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HELP!!! What do i do???

hey all im just postin to get yer input on wut u would do in my situation. i posted be4 about trust issues with my gf cuz of things that she has done. im 18 and shes 19 and we been together for 3 years. to sum everything up. she was writing love notes to a guy wen she was still in school 2 1/2 years ago, she came home with a hicky on her neck and said a girl was dared to do it. then about a month ago she disappeared for 1 1/2 weeks and was seeing a guy but she claims she doesnt even talk to him anymore.

now eevrything has been great since she came back. but yesterday after her counselling group for depression she went str8 to her friends house and called and said shed be home around 9pm. so i figured sure wutever. so 10pm rolls around so i decided to call there. she says she is havin fun with her friends and shed be home in a bit. then at 12:30am i call there and she says that nobody will give her a ride home and she doesnt want to take a cab home alone...which i could understand cuz shes always been like that and they were drinkin so her friends wouldnt wanna drive i guess. so she says she will be home be4 lunch time today. so i was quite angry but i kept my cool and said "ok i hope so, love you" she said love you too in a normal voice and i could clearly hear her friends in the backround so i dun think she was havin "fun" wit another guy there.

now the thing that gets me is she told me that her friend lives by the local highschool which is in my end of town. so i look on yahoo maps and it turns out the friends house is all the way across town (only did this cuz she told me earlier last night that she wanted me to come meet her).

she also said it was gonna be a girls night thing and no guys were invited. but wen i call there i hear a couple guys talkin. so i ask y couldnt i go there with her and she says i could have. then i say ok im gonna come there to meet your friends then she starts gettin all mad sayin no i cant come cuz shes havin fun with her friends...

so i dunno wut to think...

yesterday was her last day of daily counselling with the group so i guess it could have just been a celebration that she completed it? but i dont understand y she is lying so much and she wont really talk to me about it. altho she did admit a few days ago that she needs to stop lying about stupid little things.

does a girl thats cheating on a guy tend to stop having sex with there boyfriend? cuz ever since she came back we have been having sex at least once a day...with her being in the mood and starting it most the time.

1 more thing could be i said that she has to get a job or start doing stuff around the house or she can go live with her dad again. could she just be doing this to get back at me?

thanx for any help

daytek312

 
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Old 06-05-2004, 08:23 AM   #2
eightball61
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Look man this is simple to say..."You don't need her."

Let me explain:

You have trust issues but you have good reason since she wrote love notes to a guy before. Currently she is still pulling off the same stuff by giving you times when to expect her home and she never comes at that time.

It is fine if she wants to hang with friends and if guys are there the oh well but she is doing a lot of switching her mind around when you contact her and she is unsure of herself and what to tell you.

I realize you are for this girl but you have to ask yourself "Is she for you"?

 
Old 06-05-2004, 08:41 AM   #3
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

The problem is when someone breaks the trust in the relationship it is very hard for the other person to trust again. You are worrying yourself sick about every detail of what she says and what she does. If she is in anyway remorseful for how she treated you in the past then she should go out of her way to not seem sneaky or lie. If she wants to be with you then your security about her and the relationship should be her first priority. And she was celebrating her last depression gp. meeting by drinking? That does not make any sense since alcohol is a depressant, but that is a whole other story. She told you it was girls only and then you heard guys there. When you asked if you could come over she gets mad? Sounds to me as she was hiding something. You deserve better and you deserve respect. Go out and find someone who will care for you as much as you care for her.
Good luck

 
Old 06-05-2004, 03:23 PM   #4
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

thanx for the replies and i agree that she is hiding something but she is also an immature person so i think that may be one factor making it harder to work things out.

she is living with me and my parents for free cuz her dads house is a pig sty basically. so i think she may just be using me and my parents by staying here and gettin everything for free. the friends that she hangs out with r from her counselling group and there ages range from 25 - 35 and i think they r too old for her to be hanging out with since she is 19. i told her she needs to get some new friends that r closer to her age and arent suffering from depression as well. she admits that she takes on other peoples problems to try and help them and she is messed up enough as it is, she doesnt need to deal with other peoples problems too.

anyways....she came home today at the time she said she was going to and at least there were no hickeys on her and she dont have a hangover (she barely ever drinks so she didnt get drunk or she be hangin badly). we had a good talk and she keeps saying that im controlling because i dont want her to stay over at friends houses every weekend. so i asked her wut she wants in this relationship. she said she wants to be with me but she doesnt want me to care so much about wut she does. but then she said that she would only goto a friends house the whole night like once a month.

so i broke down (ya im a guy but ima still admit it) and told her that i will stop caring about wut she does and where she goes and that she can have 100% freedom. then she says she wants it to be 50/50...so i told her i dont care anymore about wut she does but that my parents might cuz they r gettin angry cuz shes freeloading. then she said "oh, so they dont want me to have a life either?)"

i cant let go of her cuz ive known her since we were like 10 years old. then we didnt talk for a few years then right wen we saw each other again we started dating. we were both virgins be4 we had sex with each other and i aitn never cared abiut a girl so much. she must also care about me cuz she got rid of a couple good freinds a while ago to make me happy, still cries wen she hurts me bad (she not fakin it...u can tell wen a person is really crying for real ya know...) still asks me for sex like 4 or 5 times a week, constantly wants to cuddle, always wants to do stuff with just me and her. i dunno i cant list all the things that make me feel like she still loves me (she usually always says she loves me first...including 3 times at her friends house last night on the phone). so i think she still does care about me.

could it just be my fault that its like this? ill admit i am a little controlling ever since those few things happened that made me stop trusting her. so i think its partly my fault for not letting her have as much freedom as she wants and she lies about wut she is doing hoping that i wont find out and get mad at her.

i really wanna work this out cuz i still think for some odd reason we r meant for each other. she is done counselling with the "group" so she wont be around them as much so i think that may help cuz ever since she started going there everything has just been getting worse and worse.

plz plz plz help me out

thanx

daytek312

 
Old 06-05-2004, 04:56 PM   #5
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Re-read what you wrote. No matter what anyone says you will justify staying with her. So either accept her freeloading as your new way of life while you live within her lifes grand scheme....or get your own life with someone that knows love doesn't mean using people for personal gain. You say you were meant to be together but that implies happiness, not trust issues, unless you want to be with someone you may never trust? She has a lot of issues in her life and you are the only constany BUT that has nothing to do with emotions, just her comfort.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 03:59 PM   #6
irblir
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

As hard as it may sound this is what you must do: dump her and move on. She is no good for you and you obviously deserve way way better. I'm sure she has redeeming qualities to her (she's pretty, funny, talented, etc.) but that in no way makes up for her inconsiderate actions. Girls like her are lost, as I say it, and they don't know what they really want. So they go drinking, flirting and such while trying to hold down a steady boyfriend. In her mind, she is #1 and everything needs to make HER happy. She doesn't seem like someone you need to waste your time worrying over.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 07:42 PM   #7
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

thx for reopening it moderator...

i woulda emailed u but i dunno how

thx again for reopening it

thanx

daytek312

 
Old 06-06-2004, 08:01 PM   #8
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

to tell u guys the truth....she doesnt ever go out with friends that often...say once or twice a month. but wen she does go out she is lying about sumthing all the time cuz i always find out things somehow if i want to (my parents keep sayin i should be a private eye cuz im so good at it) but i dont wanna be buggin her friends cuz then they'll think im a nut and may not wanna be around her anymore either. plus they dont know about the past and i dont think they need to know....

i asked her about it today and she said that they r all females from the counselling group she just finished and she enjoys spending time with them cuz they help each other out. the guys that she said were there on friday were from the group (i recongnized the only guys voice i heard). so i was thinking that since she doesnt go out very often that wen she does she wants to be totally away from me for the day...

so i did an experiment today. it may seem cruel but i wanted to see her reaction. i gave myself a hicky on my chest (hard work but i actually did it) and hid it from her the whole day until we were about to have sex. then she took my shirt off and the look on her face was like somebody put 2 knives through her heart and tears started coming from her eyes...im 99% sure she was actually hurt. so my exact words were "wen u went out on friday i went to a buddys house and got drunk and wen i woke up that was there" and man oh man did she freak out. she was crying so bad and kept askin if i was cheatin on her. so after a few hours of rubbish i finally said "it doesnt feel to damn good thinkin that your partner is cheating on u now does it?" then i told her the truth about it and the rest of the day her mood completely changed.

she offered to cut the grass and do the dishes and other stuff that we have been trying to get her to do. its like she realized how i feel wen she goes out with friends cuz i think shes cheatin. i hope this taught her a lesson and she admitted a few times that its a horrible feeling.

i hope i got the point across to her this time.

about the freeloading. we actually went out again today and handed out 5 more resumes. so she is actually trying to get a job. she also said that she is going to help my mom at work which she has done quite a bit in the past...

i dunno everything is just so complicated.

she also has been buggin me for a while to ask me to marry her and she is always asking wen she can stop taking her birth control to get pregnant. do u think if i ask her to marry me than maybe she will actually realize she is growing up and needs to be respectful and responsible? money is no issue as i have no bills currently and bring home $500/week....plus i could just sell the ring anyways if things didnt workout.

thanx for any input

daytek312

 
Old 06-07-2004, 07:36 AM   #9
eightball61
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Quote:
Originally Posted by daytek312
she also has been buggin me for a while to ask me to marry her and she is always asking wen she can stop taking her birth control to get pregnant. do u think if i ask her to marry me than maybe she will actually realize she is growing up and needs to be respectful and responsible? money is no issue as i have no bills currently and bring home $500/week....plus i could just sell the ring anyways if things didnt workout.


daytek312

Don't even think about this question until she can prove herself to you. You keep though condoms on just in case she stops the birthcontrol. She has not fully commitited to thing yet and she will need to prove that before you move on to the next step. If you get married like this you will not be happy. Let her sort her mind out and what she really wants. She can only have it one way: 1. You or 2. Party with friends & lie to you

 
Old 06-07-2004, 08:57 AM   #10
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Quote:
she also has been buggin me for a while to ask me to marry her and she is always asking wen she can stop taking her birth control to get pregnant.
Do NOT have a child at this point. Children need parents who are mature and willing to put their own desires/needs AFTER those of their children. SHE is definitely not ready and neither, I suspect, are you.
Quote:
do u think if i ask her to marry me than maybe she will actually realize she is growing up and needs to be respectful and responsible?
Nope. She needs to grow up and mature. She needs to take responsibility for her choices and decisions. She needs to value herself as a person and not as so-and-so's friend or girlfriend. Take a long hard look at your own personal life goals. Don't have any? Get some and then get out there and make them come true. If this girl (she's not a woman yet, IMHO) is truly meant for you, then the relationship will blossom.
Love is not the same as passion.
Trust is not the same as desire.
Want is not the same as need.
The pair of you need to learn the difference.

Good luck!
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Old 06-07-2004, 07:21 PM   #11
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

just thinkin that may if i do ask her to marry her (i was gonna ask her for her birthday/our aniversary since they 2 days apart as a great surprise but then she left (cuz of me totally. alot of verbal abuse and not treating her good for no reasons)

she is still tryin to convince me tha her friend lives close to the highschool which is on the other end of town where the yahoo map thing is showing her friends adress. she keeps sayin that there must be 2 streets with the same name. she says she will take me there any time i want but i dunno if i wnana find out the truth. but if she tellin the truth i feel like a dummy....

i figured if i ask her to marry me then maybe she will realize the only guy she needs in her life is me....

like i said its very confusing and i think we both need help


daytek312

 
Old 06-07-2004, 08:29 PM   #12
eightball61
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Quote:
Originally Posted by daytek312
just thinkin that may if i do ask her to marry her (i was gonna ask her for her birthday/our aniversary since they 2 days apart as a great surprise but then she left (cuz of me totally. alot of verbal abuse and not treating her good for no reasons)

Please answer this:

Why are you even still thinking of marriage at this point?


You have to many problems at this point.

Last edited by eightball61; 06-07-2004 at 08:30 PM.

 
Old 06-09-2004, 06:20 PM   #13
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

i realized that i was treating her like crap and ive heard of couples driving each other apart....like i said be4 i just cant let go of her for sum reason and now since i had a serious talk about if we were really ment for each other she has started taking on responsibilities around the house (dishes, clean up, cookin supper, etc) so that my mom dont have to do it.

she went out with her friend today while i was at work to hand out resumes and she actually told me the truth this time....which is all ive ever wanted.

she told me she realized she has ********** up in the past but still says she hasnt had sex with another guy....which i kinda dont believe but im willing to put the past behind us cuz ive done a couple things i really shouldnt have either....

any tips on how we might be able to work on making this better?

thanx

daytek312

 
Old 06-09-2004, 08:39 PM   #14
eightball61
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

Look daytek312, many have said what you needed to know in the post. i have added my comments and it seems none of what anyone is telling you is going to work.

I understand you love this girl and the feelings you have is what a lot of people have when deal with a break up. You have to fight these feelings or you may set p for something you want.

The decision is now in your hands. She has done a lot to you and you still want to work it out. That is very understandable BUT you should take your time at this.

 
Old 06-10-2004, 07:23 PM   #15
daytek312
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Re: HELP!!! What do i do???

i think part of the reason i dont wanna let go is cuz ive never dated a woman be4....besides the little kid stuff. started dating my gf in grade 10 and been with her since and thats the time wen most date alot.....

i dunno im at like 60/40 for breakin it off....

but now she is changing for the better but i dunno how long it will last.

thanx for all the input....sorry if im not listening but i guess i got a thick skull


daytek312

 
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