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still in love w/ex after 6 months! HELP


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Old 07-01-2004, 04:01 PM   #1
shortiK17
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still in love w/ex after 6 months! HELP

HI. I have posted before. Im not really sure what i said in that post, bc it was a few months ago. I am an 18 year old female from Pa. I have borderline personality disorder, and it lead to our breakup 6 months ago. I know thats a long time, buti have not been able to cope withit. My borderline was not something he could deal with and he wanted out.. it cost me the best thing of my life!!!!!!However i have a really really big issue going on with my ex b/f. My ex and i first broke up on christmas eve of '03. We got back together a few days later, and everything was good. I did have borderline when i met him, but around june of last year i went on antidepressants and it all got so much worse and we fought and fought and i would lash out at anything ( due to the drugs).
Anyway, we got back together and it was ok. Things i thought were anyways. Around jan. 18, we got in a huge fight again and he said it was over and he was done. He said to me, " i love u now, and ill always love you , but i cant do this anymore, its hurting me ." So we ended it, but a few days later decided to just not see other ppl, but we were still apart and not a " couple". I attended the american day treatment program, and they saw that i didnt really need to be there so i was excited. I called him and he got mad and we got in a fight and i was sobbing and so my stepmom called him ( grrrrrr) and told him to stay away from me!!!!!! Well, that was DEF the end.. he was done.. for good.....
I went through sooo much more of a depression after we ended. We didnt end on a good note and i was devastated. I had alot of problems with meds, and ended up in the hospital psych ward. NOt a fun experience. Shortly after we ended dating, he started seeing someone else.. that sent me into a world wind depression, i just couldnt deal.... We talked, but it was rare, and usually an angry, mean conversation of " stay the hell away from me, get over me, we're done" type of talking.
May of '04 rolls around, and i was without a date to the prom. He was still with this girl and i was insanely depressed. One nite i was out with my friends on our way to dinner and i was really sad. I started to cry saying i just wanted to go with chris to the prom ( chris is my ex). My best friend says to me, If it makes u feel ne better, he and his gf broke up." I felt alot better.... lol.... but a few days later i started to talk to him on the computer.
At first he was reluctant, but he soon got into it. We were having conversations for hours on end, and he was really flirty and told me he missed me and still cared for me. I was extatic!!!!! We decided to sleep together but not be together. BIG MISTAKE!!!! It had been five months almost, and i expected to not have one of my melt downs when i saw him.. oh god..
So i go to his house , and i see him... it was good untill i said " i love u " while we were making out... well actually let me say this.. when i first got there he told me to " take all ur ****". So i went in his room and he took out EVERYTHING. He had every note, card, present, picture, ticket stub from the movies... he had everything still from our relationship!!!!! i was in shock! and so i sat on his bed and i started to read a note that i had written to him. He stopped me and said, " kate done.. its too hard... " so i was like," ok then ill go put al this into my car.. " and i got up and started to walk out. He grabbed me and said, " no stop, i wanna keep it, its my stuff.. ". My question is to that, doesnt that have to mean something if he kept all that stuff:??? my brother said it did bc most guys dont go that far as to keep EVERYTHING.... but anyway back to my story, i said i love u and he didnt have a problem with it. he said ot me, " its ok , its how you feel." and we just made out all nite long. THen we almost slept together and he said he couldnt go through with it bc i loved him. And he missed me, and when he kissed me that he felt like we never broke up, but we werent ever gonna be together??? that made me freak out and i had a melt down. THis freaked him out.
I got in my car and i headed home, he had walked me out, kissed me goodbye, the whole thing. So im on my way home and i text messaged him saying that i felt bad. He said it was ok and then i called him. He FREAKED OUT..... he was like " DONT U UNDERSTAND THAT YOU LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD AND WE ARE NEVER GONNA BE TOGETHER, I DONT LOVE YOU, YES WHEN I KISSED U I FELT LIKE WE HAD NEVER BROKEN UP, BUT THEN U FREAKED OUT AND I REMEMBERED WHY WE DID I CANT TAKE IT!!!!" .. And he went on and on... i was sobbing...
I got home and i was online with him. He said more or less the same stuff and was yelling at me. I did talk to him the next day, i had gotten in a fight with my dad and told him about it and he yelled at me saying thats why we arent together bc of my psycho dad and the rest of it. I didnt talk to him the rest of the day bc he went away. The day later, he and i talked and he yelled at me and yelled at me... to make it short, we got in a huge huge fight, and this went on and off like that for days.
Around my graduation, he said to me " look, we shouldnt tlak.... but dont be too bummed out bc when u get ur **** together u can get in touch wtih me.. i beleive u can, i have faith in u, and thats why ur gonna be able to do it! " so i thought it was ok...
i went away, and i came home and randomly, someone IMed me and said i had to stay away from him .. and all this.... i hadnt talked ot him in three weeks... so i was like, " who is this person ". they harassed me and said they were sleeping with him now and all this. I texted him and asked him what it was all about, and my best friend called his cell, and told him to call her when he got home ( he was in maine on vacation) .. for her to explain what i texted him about.
Well this past sunday, he called.. but he didnt call her.. he called ME.. .i was in shock... we talked for a lil about what was up with that person IMing me., and we talked about other things as well. He and i talked on and off all day. He was in a bad mood, and i asked him what was wrong. He FLIPPED out at me.. and blocked me, then unblocked me and was just being an *******. I was devastated and i couldnt figure out why he was so nice and had all this faith in me before, and now was being an *******. he was saying things like " GET OVER ME, I DONT LOVE YOU , WE ARENT GONNA BE TOGETHER" .. and all this stuff..... and then i didnt talk to him and the other nite he IMed me saying he couldnt sleep and talked to me.. i just dont understand him, he can be sooo nice and caring and compassionate and then an *******. I cant figure out if he does care for me and is scared bc i put him through ALOT of emotional **** with me.. it was crazy what i put him through with my depression.. i dont know if he and i will ever be together.
The thing is, when i was face to face with him, he was kissing me, hugging me, telling me he missed me and was acting like we had never broken up, then when i was right out of site he freaked and yelled and is an ******* again. And he was an ******* after I had MY MELT DOWN!!! im just sooo confused and i still love him and i dont know wht to do!!! i love him and i hate that we arent together and i wish i didnt have any problems like depression and borderline personality disorder to deal with !!!!!! I MISS HIM!!!! I NEED SOME FEEDBACK!!!!!!!
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Old 07-02-2004, 08:10 AM   #2
eightball61
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Re: still in love w/ex after 6 months! HELP

Having depression and borderline personality disorder is part of who you are. That is nothing you can control. I am sorry about you and your ex. but maybe this was the best for the both of you. You both broke off numorous times and it would be nothing but heartach if you guys kept things going. You can communicating these feeling to him but its hard to say what the outcome may be. I do wish you the best and if this doesn't work you will find someone that will love you for who you are.

 
Old 07-03-2004, 03:31 PM   #3
wizziie
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Re: still in love w/ex after 6 months! HELP

Alrighty...I really feel for u gurl...I'm confused with him as well...bein nice then changing...damn...well it looks to me like he still has "something" for you but is REALLY REALLY overly confused...but maybe not...maybe u can try NOT contacting him...and wait for him to talk to you...(looks like he calls u or turns to u wen things r'nt his way) and then ask him wats up with his attitude towards u and all the mixxxed up behaviour...if he's being an "a-h"...ask why???....and wat he meant wen he said those things to you that night u's decided to pash eachother....anyways...good luck...

 
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