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  • Girlfriend's Dad

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    Old 12-12-2005, 05:53 PM   #1
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 68
    Akid1574 HB User
    Girlfriend's Dad

    Alright, so I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 months now. And one little thing that gets me, is her dad. She told me that when she was 8 (almost 17 now) that he used to sexually abuse her. He also did it to her sister (who is now 21). I'm pretty sure her father doing that to them was the reason her mom and her dad got divorced, and it is illegal for her to have any contact with him. Well thats what she said, so yeah. But he calls her every now and then, and they talk about just whats new with each other and stuff. She said she has forgiven him and everything for what he did to her and her sister. Sometimes they even go out and like have breakfast or lunch or something. I asked her if he still did these things to her and she said no.

    I mean i don't really have any right to tell her what to do, but it kills me when I know she's talked to him or just seen him recently. I'm not going to say to her, "oh you can't talk to him," or whatever, that's her choice (i guess?). but it just really gets me, like how could you still want to be involved with anyone that has done such horrible things to you? I just don't understand i guess. I don't really know, it's never happened to me. But it really irritates me, just to hear about him or anything. Sometimes he calls when we're hangin out and she'll talk to him, or sometimes she'll be like can i call you back later. I don't know, is it just me or should i just feel awkward or however it is i'm feeling about this situation.

    I guess she won't really know that it irritates me, unless i tell her though, huh?

    I'm sorry, i just needed to get this out, and i don't really want to tell people ya know? well thanks for any input you guys have

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    august4sure (09-12-2011)
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    Old 12-12-2005, 07:28 PM   #2
    Join Date: May 2005
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 347
    Hazel_Eyes HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's Dad

    I know how you feel Akid. It is difficult for you to understand because you have 'heard' about this in a short span of time. You are still shocked and disgusted about the whole situation. Your girlfriend, however, has moved on. Its been 9 years... that's a lot of time - in that span of time, I'm sure she has gone through fear, depression, anger, disgust and betrayal. 9 years has given your girlfriend time to think and perhaps accept, forgive and forget those horrible things.

    She has dealt with these memories for 9 years. She has matured and her way of thinking has changed. That's a lot of time for a person... Of course, this story was condensed and summarized to you in one day - its overwhelming!

    When you here're first reaction was OH MY GOD. How could her father do that to her? That's his own flesh and blood! Then you feel sympathetic towards your girlfriend. The next thing you know she has forgiven him and is talking to him about whats new. -Do you see where Im going? You're probably confused as of HOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND COULD EVEN THINK OF TALKING TO THIS MAN, who claims to be her father, when he sexually abused her as a child - you are still overwhelmed by the whole scenario. You have to remember, you were never in her place. You dont know what she felt back then and feels right now.You cannot understand completely why she has accepted it and moved on.

    Fathers sexually abusing their daughters is not normal thing to discuss with your peers. These are things we dont share to each other while we are partying or watching a football game. This is really personal stuff. The truth is, I dont think you can ever relate to why she acts the way she does around her father, despite all that abuse he has done to her. You cannot because you have never been in her position. The only thing thats on your mind right now is - THE OLD MAD IS A SCUM BAG, PERIOD.

    You need to understand that this is her father. Despite what he has done to her as a child, Im sure she still loves him and still wants him to be a part of her life.

    Last edited by Hazel_Eyes; 12-12-2005 at 07:32 PM.

    Old 12-12-2005, 08:34 PM   #3
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 53
    RachelGrace HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's Dad

    I know how she may feel.

    When I was a little younger than her, I was sexually abused - not by my dad, but by two different friends of mine.

    Often the abuser will go back to the person they abused and claim that they were "not in my right mind", that they "changed", or some other such nonsense.

    She has great bravery in telling people what happened. But I also know from experience and from the stories of others that healing does not come right away. She may act like she's "put it all behind", but it is truly difficult to do that. Your girlfriend may be feeling a responsibility to forgive her dad and give him a second chance because he is family.

    I think what you should do is mostly tell your girlfriend that you are there for her whenever she needs you, and to tell you if anything her dad says or does makes her uncomfortable. It's her decision whether to continue to talk to him or not.

    I know your girlfriend probably needs love. It's the best gift you can give her, especially with all she's been through. I don't mean sexual intimacy, but just trust, care, and understanding. Be there when she needs you. When she wants to talk, talk to her. Respect her decisions. Recovering from sexual abuse is EXTREMELY hard to do - she may be pushing all her feelings away, but she will eventually need to accept them. You can help her.

    Also, if it's illegal for her to have any contact with him, isn't going out to breakfast or lunch with him violating that?

    If you think there is any possibility that he is still abusing her, talk to her, listen to her, and observe her feelings and reactions. Often you will be able to draw some sort of conclusion from that.

    You must be a great boyfriend - I know from experience that it's hard to find guys who want to go out with somebody who has been abused. Your girlfriend is really lucky.

    ~Rachel Grace

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    august4sure (09-12-2011)
    Old 12-13-2005, 01:48 PM   #4
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 68
    Akid1574 HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's Dad

    Why thank you both for both of your input. I've never really known anyone that has been sexually abused besides her, so it's just it's all just knew to me and everything. I'm always there for her, and I don't mind, because I love her. But thank you both, i've never talked to anyone about, just because ya know thats kind of her business and i'm not gonna go around telling people or talking to them about and i just needed to tell somebody, so thank you again.

    Last edited by Akid1574; 12-13-2005 at 01:48 PM.

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    august4sure (09-12-2011)
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