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  • Why doesn't she believe me?

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    Old 06-04-2008, 07:24 PM   #1
    ANewEvolution
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    Why doesn't she believe me?

    My girlfriend.

    I think she's beautiful. Believe me, I'm not a shallow person, but I love her and her body and think it's hot, and I tell her that, but she just can't see it and doesn't believe me, though she says she tries.

    Why can't she see it?

    She looks in the mirror and sees this fat, ugly person who everyone secretly loathes. She hates her body, she hates herself, and thinks everything about her is just stupid and worthless. Sometimes she doesn't think she should even be alive.

    Call me a hormone-crazy teenage boy, but I really care about her, and it makes me extremely, unbelievably sad to hear her hating herself so much. And worst of all, I have no idea what I can do to help. She thinks I'm amazing (which I am definately not, in any way), but for all my supposed "amazing"-ness, I can't even figure out a way to help her through this. It kills me to see her so down on herself, and I really want to help, but don't know how.

    I mean, people might say something like "just be there for her", but I don't think that's enough, or at least I won't settle for that being enough. I want to show her a way, and I want her to believe me. She doesn't believe me...

    She's gone through hard times and abusive relationships in the past, so I guess I can't really blame her for not trusting me. But...I dunno. I guess it just kinda hurts...that I'm giving it my all and it's still not enough...

    I have self-esteem issues of my own, so it's been the hardest time for me to try and overcome my own insecurities in order to be strong for the both of us. But it'd all be worth it, if only it was helping...

    I dunno. I figured I might as well give it a go. Is there any way I can help her? And is there something about this whole thing that I'm just not getting?

    Because if there is a way or something I'm not getting, I really want to know what it is...

     
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    Old 06-04-2008, 08:25 PM   #2
    CyberNick
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    Re: Why doesn't she believe me?

    You can't really help a person that can't or wont help themself, sorry to say. If she is truly unhappy inside with her self-image and how she sees herself, then there's no magical words you can say to make that better for her. Her history of abusive relationships doesn't help much either.

    Unless you guys both seek at least some form of help this relationship is going to be difficult from the get-go, and that is me being truly honest. I went through anxiety and self-esteem issues as well years ago, and latched onto another with the same issues and we struggled through a relationship full of self-doubt, emotional abuse, jealousy and basically turmoil for the entire duration. It was like a constant emotional rollercoaster from day to day, never consistently good.

    Why are you so worried about her when you say that you also have similar issues? It's good that you say you are working on it, but the old cliche "you can only be happy with another if you are confident and happy with yourself" is all in all a very true statement when it comes to making relationships last. Now that I am years past my emotional high school days and have leveled out and accepted a lot of things about myself and who I am instead of trying to be what I thought I should be, the relationship I'm in now is the best and most healthy one I've ever had. She doesn't complete me, yet she complements me and my own life (which is how a healthy relationship should be in my opinion).

    You guys are going to continue depending on each other for happiness and it will be a downward spiral that will eventually crash, unless you and her both seek help or counseling for your issues. Your post is well-worded and you seem like an intelligent guy, so trust me when I say to seek some kind of help no matter how small the issue seems now.

     
    Old 06-04-2008, 09:57 PM   #3
    ergo4
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    Re: Why doesn't she believe me?

    What you can do, rather than tell her how beautiful she is and talk about her body, is tell her things that you love about her that are not physical. Say things like (and chose your own words of course), "even though we've been going out for months, I still get butterflies every time I see you" or compliment her on something that she does as a hobby or something that she loves doing (i.e. "your drawings are incredible, you are so talented"). I'm just randomly saying things because obviously I don't know her but I do know that self-esteem can come from other places outside of compliments regarding physical side of things.

    I had a guy recently say to me how I've opened up this "whole new world" of music to him because I got him playing an instrument and he never thought he could do such a thing. I thought it was sweet because he said that I bring out positives for him and that nobody else does that for him. It made me feel special.

    There are so many sides to love -- count the ways to her but make sure she knows she is special because of everything about her (her talents, skills, voice, kindness, etc.).

     
    Old 06-05-2008, 03:21 AM   #4
    daylight568
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    Re: Why doesn't she believe me?

    Maybe you could try sharing your insecurities with her,and let her show you the way to deal with it.Then maybe you'll have some idea as how to help her.

     
    Old 06-05-2008, 04:39 AM   #5
    Seraph
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    Re: Why doesn't she believe me?

    She herself needs to love herself a little more. I think therapy would be excellent here. A friend of mine almost went mad living with a woman like this - she started like your GF, next thing she would go bats if he smiled at another woman "You hate me, I am ugly, you have to look at someone else" on and on for days. He did end up hating her. Get her to a therapist, you cannot do this yourself. Sera

     
    Old 06-05-2008, 05:59 AM   #6
    happymom28
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    Re: Why doesn't she believe me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    She herself needs to love herself a little more. I think therapy would be excellent here. A friend of mine almost went mad living with a woman like this - she started like your GF, next thing she would go bats if he smiled at another woman "You hate me, I am ugly, you have to look at someone else" on and on for days. He did end up hating her. Get her to a therapist, you cannot do this yourself. Sera
    Exactly! You can't make her feel confident in herself. She has to do it herself for herself. I would suggest therapy for her. She has to learn how to love herself or she will never believe you or anyone else. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her.

     
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