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How do I stand up for him?

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Old 09-01-2010, 08:04 PM   #1
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How do I stand up for him?

Hello again!

To make this short, I have sometimes had friends or people say mean things about my boyfriend. For instance, I have a great picture of him on my phone and a friend said he looked high. I didn't know what she meant exactly, but no he does not take drugs and he honestly looked anything but high. He's smiling in the photo and I love that picture. So I told her, "that's what you think," because I honestly did not care about her opinion. (yet I don't want people to think bad things about him of course!)
Also, her brothers go to the same high school he does (I don't) and they often ask why he stays quiet and doesn't have a conversation with them or why, when we all celebrated my birthday at the beach, didn't my boyfriend come up and meet them and get to know them. I always defend him and say that he is pretty shy with unfamiliar people (and it was my fault that I never formally introduced him that time at the beach, though they know he's my boyfriend.) I feel like they're being mean about it because I can't change and don't want to change how he is towards people in general, because even I don't approach people I don't know. Still, it's often difficult to voice my opinion and make them understand.

I once felt very angry because my friend insulted his looks, and though I think he's beautiful and I felt like telling her off and making it clear she would never say anything like it again, I was so hurt and on the verge of crying that someone else stood up for me and I was disappointed in myself.
I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he understands that I try to, yet I very much want to defend him like he has with me.
I do get hurt if they say something mean about him. I want to stand up for him completely, without fear and with confidence. How can I? I feel horrible being sensitive and not fully standing up and telling them how I truly feel.

Last edited by GenGen*; 09-01-2010 at 08:09 PM.

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Old 09-02-2010, 05:03 AM   #2
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

It sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job of standing up for him to me.

The question is why are you hanging around with people that would be mean for no reason like that. They don't sound like very nice people.

Old 09-02-2010, 06:59 AM   #3
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

well instead of getting defensive when someone says something you don't like about him, why not try a different tactic......turn it around on them with a question.....
next time someone says your boyfriend is "this, that, or the other thing", just look at them and say "why would you say something like that?"
instead of telling them reasons why he's not "this, that, or the other thing".
just keep deflecting their insults with questions.

Old 09-02-2010, 07:59 AM   #4
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

I'm going to take this from a little different angle. These are your friends, right? People who love you, care about you, want the best for you? Maybe they see something in him that you are too blinded by love to see?

Why doesn't he think your friends are good enough to talk to or get to know? I don't buy the "he's too shy to say hi or have a simple conversation" excuse. I think maybe your friends are trying to tell you something. I'm not saying look for trouble, but maybe try seeing things a little from their perspective.

Old 09-02-2010, 09:52 AM   #5
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

I used to work with someone whose husband was like that. We all went out to happy hour and he was there, and he just sat there, did not say hello to anyone or introduce himself and when she finally introduced him he didn't even take his eyes off the TV but just kind of said hi really quick. The whole entire 2 hours he was there he did not say a word to anyone but his wife. She told us he is shy and socially uncomfortable, but we all kind of thought he was strange. This is a 27 year old man who works in sales, why can't he at least look at someone when he is being introduced and take part in the conversation a bit? No one said anything rude to her but we all asked if he didn't like us or something. She said he is always like that. Well, if he is then she has to understand why people might think he's weird.

Does your boyfriend have trouble meeting people? Is he uncomfortable in groups? Is he socially kind of inept? Do you usually do all the talking for him when you are with your friends? If yes, this may be why they say rude things, even though it is not nice. And insulting his looks is mean no matter what anyway.

Old 09-02-2010, 11:05 AM   #6
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

I don't think people are necessarily socially inept or that there is anything wrong with them just because they are shy or introverted.
It doesn't sound like (from the initial post) that he is doing anything wrong. He is who he is and she likes him for who he is.

I am an introvert also. I have occasionally been labled as stuck up, wierd, concieted, shy, and socially akward by people who are very extroverted, who can't seem to fathom why I don't have the desire to go and chat with them. The truth is intoverts just need more space and like to sit on the sidelines and observe more often than participate with new people.

I like Rose's suggestion. Next time you get a rude comment ask them why they said that. Turn it back on them.

Last edited by River rocks; 09-02-2010 at 11:06 AM.

Old 09-02-2010, 01:43 PM   #7
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Re: How do I stand up for him?

To trystme:

The friends I'm talking about have been kids I've known for 10 years because
my mom and their mom have been best friends. I see them often because I'm in a community chorus they're in. It's really only their sister that bothers me the most. I like her fierce confident attitude but she can sometimes come off as aggressive and say mean things, and I would get mad but I wouldn't know how to deal with it.
Her brothers are nicer, but they mention
a lot how my boyfriend doesn't talk to them. I can't exactly stop being friends with them; I just want them to respect my boyfriend and accept
how he is.

To rosequartz,
I thank you so much! I absolutely would love to do that rather than
give a ton of reasons why it's otherwise. It's short and straight to the point, so
thank you!

To larrylou'smom,
See, they aren't exactly the friends I could open up to and count on completely.
They're my friends since we've known each other very long. And no, I'm not exactly blind to his behavior; if he says something that might seem in a rather mean tone, I tell him and he understands and doesn't get offended.
I've also told him about this situation.
Then again, he only sees my friends in the hallways at school. They're all in different grades and different classes and he has to walk fast to his next class because it's at the opposite end of the school and he doesn't
have time for a conversation even though my friend told me that my boyfriend patted him on the back yesterday and said hi to him. I'm happy about that.
There really isn't another time when he sees them, so I find it understandable. And how could
they be the greatest friends if they don't really respect his character? The sister also said mean things about my brother.
Still, thank you for your insight.

to bibimbap,
hm, well I don't think my boyfriend is socially awkward, he just naturally feels uncomfortable around unfamiliar people, and so do I. He can easily make friends, and open up to them once he gets to know them. If I bump into a friend of mine, I'd do most of the talking.
He's pretty much exactly like me in social situations.

to riverrocks:
Mhm, I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I did mention to him what they said and he said he'd try and he did, because my friend told me he had said hi to him yesterday.
That's at least a step further!
And yes, same here.
And thanks. I like Rose's suggestion.

Thank you all!

Last edited by GenGen*; 09-02-2010 at 01:45 PM.

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