My boyfriend's mother is difficult

07-11-2014, 09:41 PM

Hi all,
My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance (Dallas to Houston -5 hour drive) for about 2 years. Everything with us is great except his mother. At the beginning of our relationship she was great but as the relationship has progressed and become more serious she has become more of a problem. My boyfriend is an only child with an absent father so him and his mother are pretty close. Also she came from a hard childhood and she is still dealing with "mommy problems" resulting from her mothers death. But all of this has resulted in her coddling my boyfriend like crazy! We are both now seniors in high school and still depend on our parents so I have to interact with her on a pretty regular basis. She still regularly takes his phone away from him and forbids us to communicate for no apparent reason. She didn't allow him to drive till he was 17 and she still babies him. It drives me nuts how controlling she is over him...she still treats him like he's 5. The only logic I have put behind her aggression and anger towards me is that I'm taking away her "companion" (yes she has called my boyfriend that I know it's weird), since her husband is never around she has made her Son into a companion. And this is resulting in jealously shown in the form of anger and resentment. I can't really complain about her
To my boyfriend because it's his mother and I'll always lose there. But he does understand that she is overbearing and he tries to tell her that he's growing up and everything but she continues to coddle. Along with the coddling she does small things just to spite me, like say mean things (but the kind of mean things boys don't really understand are mean) and make me out to be the bad guy, like if my boyfriend gets a bad grade it's somehow all my fault! Ugh it just drives me up a wall. All I can do is bite my tongue and try to be nice. (I've tried everything to try to get her to like me and nothing worked) I'm just looking for some coping tips to help deal with her. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm willing to deal with his mother I just need tips that will help me not want to use her face as a punching bag.
Thanks for taking the time to read all of this! All tips and suggestions are welcome!

07-12-2014, 01:47 AM

If it were me, I would think very carefully before planning a future with this family. The more permanent your relationship gets, the more she will fight and undermine it (as you have already experienced). The only person who can change this mother-son dynamic is your boyfriend, and it can take many years for a man to extricate himself from an unhealthily close relationship like this one. All you can do is to remain sweet and sunny and have as little to do with her as possible. Hopefully he will go away to college and that will help to break the apron strings. Good luck, Sera

07-12-2014, 12:49 PM

If you stay with him, then this is what your life will be like. Unfortunately, a mama's boy can become even more problematic when you get older. If you get married and have kids with him, she will only attempt to tighten her grip on him. The only way to deal with her is to suck it up and be as nice as possible to her because, especially if you're always nice to her in front of your bf, then he will see that you're the only one making the effort to be nice while she is the one being rude. Not that he would ever disown her or anything, but maybe at some point, if he ever becomes a man, he will enforce boundaries with her. Right now, you're both still kids so there's not much you can do but bide your time and try not to get more on her bad side than you already are. And I think she's being unfair to you, I just don't think there's anything you can do about it, still being in high school.

07-13-2014, 11:40 AM

How does your bf feel about his mom's behavior? My friend went through a similar but not as bad situation where her bf's mother would call him nonstop and make snarky comments to my friend and just be immature overall, especially for someone that age.
I would suggest having your bf talk to his mom (nicely) about how she's been acting. It sounds like she definitely does have emotional deep-ridden issues but if nothing is ever said to her, nothing will ever change. Try and come up with a conversation he can have with her where it doesn't seem like You're the one who brought it up, rather, he's just noticed her behavior and wants to talk to her about it. It may not do anything but it also may help her loosen the reins a bit. But, if your bf doesn't notice or care about your feelings with this situation after you've tried bringing it up, you'll have to decide whether you want to deal with this for however long, or cut the ties now. Good luck!

07-14-2014, 02:12 AM

Hi, sometimes in this life you have to play hard ball because all of the talking, coping and understanding will not solve your problem. Your boyfriend should have solved this problem already but it seems he is stuck in his ways with his mother and will not change anytime soon. You should break up with him and tell him it is because of his mother and if that does not light a fire under his butt to do something then nothing will. When you marry, you marry into a family and if you marry this family you will have a very troubled future...

07-14-2014, 08:05 AM

Mandyrm - I can't be sure, but it sounds like the mom has BPD. Take a look at this book and see if it fits: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

wb

07-14-2014, 12:22 PM

Run don't walk away from this relationship! There are plenty of healthy boys out there. If you stay with your boyfriend, expect years of heartache.

07-14-2014, 09:08 PM

I think some of the advice, while good, is a bit premature. You two are both still kids in high school. Your boyfriend is still a ways off from being out from under his mother's rules. If their relationship is like this after he's an independent adult living on his own, THEN I'd be worried.

It sounds to me like she's doing everything to keep him as her baby, but you'll have to wait a few years to really see if he lets her get away with it.

As for how to deal with her, just know that he's not going to be living with her forever (hopefully!) and then you won't have to deal with her nearly as much. Just keep being as nice as you can be, and keep an eye out on how much your bf sticks up for you.

10-29-2014, 01:37 AM

if i were you, i will deal with it for the mean time and wait for the time that you are both ready to be independent. but your boyfriend should solve this problem.

My boyfriend's mother is difficult

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