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Trying to Conceive (TTC) Message Board

“when are you going to have kids” question

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Old 12-11-2006, 02:59 PM   #1
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“when are you going to have kids” question

How often does someone ask when are you going to have a baby? As soon as I got married, I started to get that question. Now it seems like someone is asking me every other month! I was at my DH office Christmas party on Fri., and there were a bunch of kids, a baby, and two ladies were pregnant. My DH has only been working there since Aug. so I don’t really know anyone yet. Then this super nice lady who he works with asked in front of everyone, “When are you going to have kids? If you guys were having a baby it would be just perfect!” And here I am, thinking, well I should be five months preg. We just laughed it off and I didn’t really say anything, and DH said, “You just have to be patient.”

But that is just such an inappropriate question. Even when I wasn’t trying, I really didn’t like to be asked that because it wasn’t right for me at the time, and now its not like I really want to say “ oh well I just had a m/c,” or “we’re going to try again tonight.” I mean, what do you say to that? People just don’t realize a) you just can’t predict when you are going to have a baby, and b) that is a really loaded question, and they would feel really uncomfortable if they heard an honest answer. Ya know!

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Old 12-11-2006, 03:34 PM   #2
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

I feel your pain! I get asked this question all the time. And people just don't understand that it is difficult for some of us to get pregnant. Especially the ones that can get pregnant whenever they want.
Sometimes when people ask me that, I just want to say :"Well we've been trying for a year and had one miscarraige!!!!!" The other night my parents came over for dinner and my mom was looking at our Christmas people (decorations). We have one that represents me, DH, and our two cats. It's really cheesy but I like them Anyway, she was looking at them and commented on this one she saw in the store that was a grandmother holding her grand baby. I know she was hinting at something cause she has no grandchildren yet! (She doesn't know we have been trying either).
It's a good thing we have eachother on this forum so we can gripe about this stuff and know that we are understood here!

Old 12-11-2006, 04:16 PM   #3
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

I think for people you don't know well, I would just say, "we're working on it" or "we're thinking about it" and for people you do know better, I would tell the truth. People really don't know how difficult it it, and are just clueless, until it's their time to TTC. Also, in our sociaty, it' s just a question to ask, when you're trying to make conversation w/ someone you know got married recently and don't know that well.

So just keep that in mind, I don't think people are trying to be nosy or insensitive.

Old 12-11-2006, 04:47 PM   #4
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

i get frustrated at that question too. pretty much every married couple we are around have at least 1 kid. i almost told one couple that we have been trying for 7 months, i might have pcos and have had 2 periods this year, not all of us can be so lucky to conceive when you want one. i know i shouldn't get frustrated but i do. i've been told "here hold my baby and you might get the virus". sorry for the vent, but thanks for listening!! glad we can be here for each other!!

Old 12-11-2006, 05:13 PM   #5
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

I'm sorry you have to deal with those questions. We have been dealing with it since we have been married and now that we are ready, the questions come more often and I just blow them off because it isn't their business.

I had to go to the doctor the two weeks ago for my thyroid and I teach school. Well every day we try to do "good things". Anyhow, my kids normally are awful for the sub and I got back and the note was great, so I was thrilled. So, I told the kids that I had good news I wanted to share with them when they got back to homeroom, hinting about the note. The first thing out of their mouths are "you're having a BABY!!!!" I was like NOOOOO, you didn't get your names on the sub

Anyhow, I hear it so much from the kids I teach, and now my coworkers, my parents, etc. I just hate that they don't realize that this would be something that would be an incredible blessing for us and something we want, but not something that is their business. We have always wanted kids, but are just now in the position to try for them.

Know what I mean?

Old 12-12-2006, 02:18 PM   #6
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

This is just a thought I'd like to throw out there, which has actually seemed to work alright for me. I'm 33 & been married for 5 yrs, so you can imagine how often I get asked this question. After we were ttc for a while, I just started telling people the truth and it was very liberating. Not perfect strangers - because yes, it's truly none of their business. But co-workers, church associates, close friends & family. I find that most people don't want all the details, nor do I offer them, but a simple, "We've been working on it" or "It's part of our Life Plan - hopefully one day" seems to do the trick. They stop asking, and I realized that I don't care if they know that much.

Even my closer friends that I've told more of the details about our TTC & infertility only bring it up about every 6-12 months and ask how I'm doing - and they are much more sensitive and kind about it. Maybe this isn't for everyone, I am a private person, so I understand the "none of your business" sentiment we all feel - but I just wanted to share what has seemed to work for me.

Old 12-12-2006, 02:39 PM   #7
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Re: “when are you going to have kids” question

People are definitely a little prying in their questions sometimes. The good news is that for the most part, they are doing it to make conversation and mean no harm. You had a good response -- laugh and shrug it off.

The cheeky thing to do in response, if you're the cheeky type, is to reply when are you going to get some manners? or (if she is plump or you know of a "flaw" she has) respond, when are you going to lose some weight? It's not my style, but some people prefer to jab at someone who asks an inappropriate question.

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