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How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

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Old 04-29-2007, 11:42 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 191
VoodooQueen HB User
How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

Hello Ladies and Gents,
I am writing because I've been stuck in a state of confusion for years about whether or not to TTC.
I am 25 years old and have been in long term relationship with my comon-law spouse for over 6 years. We plan to get married and as much as we would like to get it over with sooner than later, we find that spending the money to arrange for a wedding would be an expense that would be less than smart for us.

I finished high school and went to college and after graduating, I found yself not able to find a job beause I studied financial services and had accuulated bad debts while studuying, so in turn, almost all employers who would be interested in hiring me could not because i would not pass the credit check.

After 3 years of trying to survive that, I find myself broker than i've never been before. We had to move into subsidized housing, which is less than a good environment to raise a child (mostly because of pesticide used due to unconrollable pest). I'm still not finding a job that would allow me to get out of this mess, so i'm slowly coming to terms with accepting to work as a cashier somewhere at minimu wage (at 20 years old I was making $35,000, now I can't even make my rent...but i understand now that life gets funny like that at times).

Basically, all the efforts i've been making since i was a teenager was so that I could build a better foundation for yself to raise a child. Now that I'm worst off than when I was a teenager and there doesn't see to be a way for me to get past that (I've tried and tried everything I could think of, believe me), I feel as if I don't have the right to be a mother. That got stripped away from me along with my ability to earn a living, go to school and be educated for something that would allow me to live and achieve my goals. I feel as if I failed everything and on top of that, I can even revert back to my natural duty as a woman.

If someone was to ask me how I would afford a child, I can only simply say that I don't know. I mean, if someone asks me right now how i'm gonna pay rent next month, I don't know that either. Yet, I think of having a child everyday. It haunts me everyday more than it ever did before. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me by lingering on something that I cannot allow myself to have.

But then, I started to see it the other way. This year only, 7 babies in my entourage were born. Some were conceived in a stable home with parents working and ensuring that the baby has everything he/she needs and doesn't need. Then I have relatives who when they got pregnant, didn't even finish high school. They had no job, no money, not even a place of their own. One of the got pregnant while living in a shelter. Another got pregnant from her ex-husband from whom she was seperated because he was abusing her.

Looking at this, it seems like i'm the only one who worries about how I'm going to be able to raise and a child and that really ruins my hapiness. It seems like babies are coming out, no one plans for them and no one worries, or at least if they do, they don't have a reason to because their families take care of them and their child.

All these women allow themselves to experience the happiness of motherhood, despite their financial or social situations. So then I wonder "Why can't I"?

I have no means of assuring that my kid would go to private school or would eat fresh organic food everyday, but yet, having and raising children is all i want to do and is truly the only one good thing left for me to do. It seems so absurd from anyone looking at from the outside. People tell me " You have so much potential, you could make money". But I'm not interested in living that life and making pure senseless money because to me, money that parents make is suppose to go to the children, so unless a child is at the receiving end of this money, I'm simply not interested in it. I don't need money for myself. I only need money for basic necessities. I don't care for the latest fashion, big cars, big houses and living a fake, empty and pointless social life with people that don't mean nothing to you. Been there, done that, drove the big cars and lived in houses that 2-3 extra bedrooms and I know how these things absolutely mean NOTHING. And I realize that all these materials things were obtained to compensate for my desire to nurture and become a mother, but since I could not allow that for myself at the time, I went buckwild into all sorts of needless things and possessions that, at the end of the day, would do nothing for me. Even my finance degree was all part of those things I had to go through to realize that it was not my place and not for me to deal with. I just came to understand my purpose and it just so happen to conflict with everything I used to do. I don't mind. Not anymore. It took some time, but I accept that and today, if someone give a a choice between two pills, 1 to get pregnant and 1 to get a $100,000 job, I wouldn't even think twice and go for the 1st pill.

Me being good ol' me, I find myself feeling guilty that I would give up everything and stear my life in the opposite direction. And that's why I'm not pregnant yet. It's the only thing I want to do and yet, I can't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I know very well that in reality, it's going to be awfully hard and one day i'm going to regret it because my child's future is going to depend on wether I can pay for it or now and if that day I'm not able to write that cheque, I'll be failing at that too.

I wish how I could get to understand how so many wonderful and courageous mothers manage to turn their life around out of nothing. That's pretty much what I would have to do, gamble on the fact that there's a chance i could turn nothing into something, but it's hard to see how and to be confident that it can actually happen. I'm just so scared of how I could really mess this up. I mean, do I take a gamble and take a huge risk or do I go the safer route and be a bitter old career woman all empty inside (no offense to anyone who are career women and have no kids, there's a need for that in our world and i respect that. I just know for myself that what I would turn into if I had a good job but no kids and family).

Tell me your stories. I want to know how some of you made it? I want to know if there are other women out there who chose to become mothers over financial security? My husband is no big bread winner either, he has enough for the necessities out of his full-time job. He's already fullfilling his duties of a family man, I just can't bring my part of the bargain (financially). My reasonnig was that he could concentrate on advancing in his career while I stay home to take care of the kids. When he's good and the kids are grown and are in school, I could go back to school and look for a career. I would run a business from home in the mean time. I've learned to crochet and am getting quite good at it, so i' slowly building myself a little inventory of garments to start selling. I'm also into herbalism and studying it steadily. I don't see why I couldn't spend the time while i' pregnant to study so more and by the time I give birth, I can be certified to sell my own herbs, which I could all do between bottles and diapers, I'm sure. All I would need is a few nap times during the week to prepare my blends and package them for resale. Anywho? Is that even realistic? I just don't know.

Please help, as you can tell, I'm confused and greatly need it!!

Thank to all for reading and have a nice day!! :-)

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Old 04-29-2007, 12:09 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: billingham, teesside
Posts: 499
lucii HB User
Re: How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

hi there. i had my son when i was 17. it is hard work but we came through it and were both happy enough. maybe he couldnt go to private schools and have all the best of everything but he was always loved and was happy with what he had.
its not as if your a 16/17 year old saying i want a baby, it seems from wht you have said that you have thought about this long and hard. i still stand by that there is never really a "right" time to start trying for a family.. there will always be the we should wait till this or we should get to there first.
if it feels right and you think it feels the right time, go for it!
most of the time, when you feel like you have nothing, children give you the strength to carry on and get to where your going
what ever you decide i wish you the best of luck with it.
lucii xxx

Old 04-30-2007, 09:22 AM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: north yorkshire
Posts: 170
scoobylou22 HB User
Re: How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

hi there voodooqueen,
Im only 22 and my husband is 28 we both work full time and we own are own home, neither of us have brilliend jobs but we get by! i know it will be a struggle getting by on one wage and i asked my mother how we could possibly manage to afford children and she turned to me and said you don't afford them you just have them! so i guess thats just what we are going to do!
My mum and dad worked really hard for us when me and my brother were little, she couldn't afford all the posh toys and private schools but so what! i can honastly say i have never looked down on how they brought me up! we might not have been rich but we still had fun! even if i wasn't wearing designer jeans or had the latest computer i knew my parents loved me and thats all we needed!

Don't hold back because you have a rubbish job, you could still be in the same situation in 20 years and you could miss your chance thats the way i look at it! When you do have children believe me you will find a way to manage, people always do! if you look around there are far worse off familys and they still manage!

Good luck xx

When you do have your baby nothing else will matter! the world could come to an end and all you will care about is looking after your baby!

Old 05-02-2007, 07:36 AM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 65
carterscutie85 HB User
Re: How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

I think what scoobylou is right. You might be in the same situation 20 years from now but by then u have missed your chance. Go for it. As long as you can afford diapers,clothes, toys, and formula u are fine. (I'm assuming you have insurance to cover baby's doctor's visits) If it came right down to it, there is programs (like WIC) that pay for your baby's formula and some food and some groceries. Look at me. Growing up with 9 brothers and sisters, and my dad being the only one working, we never had much, but we got by. For a while after the divorce my mom was taking care of 6 of us on her own. We never starved that I can remember. Sure our pantry wasn't always chock-full of food but we ate nonetheless. Sure we didn't have Nikes or Tommy Hilfiger clothing, but we were loved, fed,clothed, and had toys. That's what is important to me. And all of us turned out fine. If you want a baby, go for it. There's never going to be a *right* time. If it feels right just do it.

Old 05-02-2007, 03:20 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: london
Posts: 608
layla= HB User
Re: How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?

scoobylous mum is right... you cant afford children you have them!!!!

my dd is 7 years old i had her when i was 19 in an extremely violent relationship I left her bio when she was a few months old, i worked 60 hrs a week at some stages to make ends meet as bio was a deadbeat and wouldnt see her and couldnt provide, until finally 5 years ago met my wonderful dh who took on dd, NOW me and my wonderful dh who my dd calls daddy cannot have a child we have been ttc for almost as long as we been together and recently we stopped trying as we decided our relationship need tlc. We have dd already. So sometimes the timing is not right and the situation aint perfect, but really what is in life???

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