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A Dosage of Hope

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Old 10-19-2009, 12:42 AM   #1
Era Phoenix
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Era Phoenix HB User
A Dosage of Hope

Hello anyone who takes the time to read this.

I am not one to wander onto these forums, I am not one to seek one time assistance and then run off. I am persistent, I am determined and focused on recovery. However I have finally come to the point where I admit defeat, and find that in these situations it's only natural to reach out to others - hear what they have gone through and see you are not alone. I am in great need of hope.

As many, I do not have insurance. As many, I suffer from a number of medical conditions. As many, I cannot afford to treat or attend to them.

I have finally broken down and am here, nearly crying at 2 am in the morning and writing this post.

It's not the end, I know there are others out there going through the same thing. People talk about us like statistics, like numbers and fractions. We are people and we are hurting, is there really nothing we can do about it?

I think many take for granted the wonderful blessing of good health, a luxury I have never been afforded. I can't eat without pain. I cannot sleep without pain. I can't go to the bathroom without pain. I can't be active without pain. So much more... if I were to write it all out I feel attention grabby and selfish. I sometimes wish I knew what it was like to just do those simple things, things people hardly think about until they too are ridden with health issues.

I want to be the support I need for others, I want to keep people going as if gives me hope, lifts my spirits as well. I came here and read over all the boards, realizing I couldn't pick just one and be able to address all that happens to my body everyday. It didn't do much to make me feel better about my health issues.

For years my mother has been fighting with me about doctors, I only wish she would have let me go more when I had the chance to. When I was still covered in the family plan. Back when the unknown side pain first started. Back when the daily headaches were mild, back when my bowel movements hadn't gone crazy. Back before when mental help would have been more effective. Back when everything was livable.

It was like a line of dominoes, one fell over and then another and another. I have been fighting for health. I eat right, I exercise almost everyday, forcing myself into those blissful ten miles on my bike, but I live on pain pills. I can hardly sit up to work on my art for more than a couple hours. I struggle to walk around for too long. I can't even enjoy the pleasures of the one I love from pain.

I wrecked on my bike last Wednesday and since I have been irritable and even more distraught than usual. I have a horrible bruise on the inside of my thigh the size of a baseball glove and can't ride. My headaches and nausa only seem worse and I just end up laying around all day...sleeping and eating yogurt. It's miserable and on top of all my other issues I just needed someone to turn to.

I don't want to trouble my boyfriend, it would only stress him out to hear me like this. He's already noticed I have been acting different since the crash. I can't talk to my mom, her mentality is suck it up, get over it and find a job already. Good luck finding a job in this economy and with all my health issues it was hard a year ago to keep one - I can't imagine with the symptoms worse to work but I keep looking anyway, because I oh so love looking for suffering where you get paid. I don't really have any friends due to my PTSD, hard to go out and get to know people. So I am here, now at 2:30am looking for some magical words of wisdom to get me through this until a miracle blesses me with insurance or a job.

Who else here needs a solid dosage of hope...? Probably everyone.

Less than three all, sorry for the mopey read. It would have been less dark if I hadn't been so sleepy, I will clean it in the morning.
- Era Phoenix

"I am reborn from the ashes that continuously bring me down, it'll take more than fire to destroy me."

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