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Re: help with family

Re: help with family

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Posted by I feel for you! on November 27, 1999 at 04:18:53:

In Reply to: help with family posted by mabel royal on November 26, 1999 at 21:13:09:

: My dad has advanced prostate cancer and has begun chemo. Although he's still very weak (due to nutritional problems, altho he's tube fed now), he's at home. We are now wrestling with the idea of putting him in the VA hosp or some other extended care facility. Without going into a lot of details, my question is this: how do you get family members to understand that cancer is a chronic disease and that it takes time to recover from the disease. My immediate family (mom, siblings) understand this. My father's family (siblings and offspring) do not. We have a nurse check on him a couple of times a week, along with an aide and a physical therapist, plus stay in close touch with his family physician. At this point, he has no acute problems that we feel would warrant hospitalization, but his family is just distraught over his condition. (They lost their oldest brother to stomach cancer several years ago.) We're not happy either, we just understand it better and are doing the best we can to cope. The decision to put Dad in an extended care facility is a difficult one for us, because he does not like being away from family, especially my mom. Whenever he's been hospitalized in the past, we've always stayed at the hospital with him. He's already depressed, and I'm worried that he'll perceive the move into a facility as an act of abandonment. I'd appreciate any help. Thanks and God bless.

This is my perception and I hope it helps you a little.
There is no way to change the other side of the family's outlook. It comes from their experience and background.

Rather than to try to get them to let go, why not be more open and tell them your side needs their support and help in caring for dad's needs. Tell them you don't want to have to put him in a hospital care, and what can they each offer to help?

Have you contacted Hospice for help?
Is he dying?
I agree that he will probably perceive the move as abandonment. It may even interfere with his recovery, if he loses hope. Put relationships first in your decisions. This is not one side against the other side. It is nore like imbalance of work and worry. One side doing the work and the other feeling worried.

One side may seem kind of unfeeling to the other, so be sure you let them know how much you want his recovery and what is best for him but also just how stressed your side is feeling might even say the stress is not leaving you time to grieve over the possible loss of Dad, and you just have to have their help.

If you really open up, all of your side does, and they still just worry but offer no support or help, then it will be up to the custodial side to make decisions and if they complain or accuse, you can tell them you asked for their help and they did not respond, so you did what you had to do.

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