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Re: How much do you do for husband who is somewhat disabled?

Re: How much do you do for husband who is somewhat disabled?

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Posted by Gina on March 08, 2000 at 08:49:06:

In Reply to: How much do you do for husband who is somewhat disabled? posted by Donna Bunkelman on March 05, 2000 at 13:57:30:

I just happened upon your posting.
I have emotional issues and live with others that do.
I have learned that my emotions are never about the other person.
What does this mean?
That he/she may stir my emotions up, but I alone am in control (or out of control) of them.
I am sure that your pattern of over-doing relates to others, not just your husband, right?

Once you realize that others are not your problem, you can learn to establish boundaries on what you will do for others that you feel joyful and not resentful to act on. Only you know where that line is for you. This is not about your husband that has his own issues. It is about you having the integrity to be true to yourself.

Now I quarantee your spouse will not enjoy or like your new boundaries. Change never feels good. But just admit to him that you have felt resentful and realized that you were doing things that you resented and that it was up to you to stop doing them. When he moans and groans, empathize with his frustrations but do not give in where you do not want to. He will adjust or will grow...neither of which you are in control of...that is his to work out.

Most men will not seek "help" but are more able generally than females to make the needed mental changes without talking it over when they have to.
But right now he is comfortable where he is at...when you change he will not feel so comfortable.
Don't make your changes until you feel strong enough to deal with how he will likely resist the changes. He may try guilt trips, etc. Try to leave his stuff with him and do what you need to do for your self. Be sure to get some support for yourself and don't expect him to understand while you are going thru this!

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