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Re: Caring for Terminally Ill Mother-in-law

Re: Caring for Terminally Ill Mother-in-law

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Posted by Betty on June 17, 2000 at 17:56:39:

In Reply to: Caring for Terminally Ill Mother-in-law posted by Patty on June 16, 2000 at 17:13:46:

: I am a 39 year old and I care for my mother-in-law who is 78 years old and has congestiver heart failure and a
: feeding tube in her stomach.I have been helping hubby take care of her since she was diagnosed back in 1995 and it's been a living nightmare.It all began November 23,1995 at my parents house,which also Thanksgiving day.My hubby and I got married November 20,1995.While we were eating our Thanksgiving meal,my mother-in-law had a stroke,we took her to the hospital,but it wasn't until February 1996 that she was diagnosed with congestiver heart failure.Since then,she has brokend her collar bone and her wrist from falling.Last year she was in the hospital for pneumonia and this year in February she had a feeding tube put in her stomach.We have also been back and forth to the hospital with her and to doctor's appointments every three months for her heart checkup.I quit working back in 1997 because of a mental breakdown I had because of all of this,I am doing okay now.I went into treatment for my depression,but had to stop last year and stay home and take care of her.My days are pretty much lonely ones because I literally have no one to talk to,she won't talk to me even though I'm the one that feeds her.I spend most of my time in my bedroom with the door shut and listening to music and playing around on the computer.I have 2 friends actually,but don't talk to them that much because they are both very busy and one of them is busy taking care of her triplets.I do what I can to cope with all of this.I can't get out very much,my car has been brokendown for the past 3 months and hubby hasn't had the time to put it in the shop to get it fixed.He has been borrowing the company truck and they have been nice enough to let him do that.I won't to know how everyone else copes with caregiving,I'm about to go nuts again and it's all I can do to keep my sanity.

Patty, my heart,sincerely goes out to you. You have been placed in a very difficult situation, and I cannot understand you husband being blind to what it is doing to you! You were just a bride when saddled with this responsibility. Are you taking care of her in your home or hers? Do you have any help, whatsoever, in household chores? Do you do the shopping,laundry and all other things that goes with this type situation? Does he have siblings who can help?
I can't imagine him leaving you stranded without a car. If he doesn't have time to take it to a garage, call one yourself and let them pick it up. Get yourself out of the house. Take a taxi, is necessary, and go to the movies, or mall, or shopping. Don't let yourself be dragged into the pit you have climbed out of once.
Can you go to your parents for awhile, and get yourself together? Perhaps, if you make a stand, and stick to it, he will listen and realize you have got to have relief. Surely, a loving, thoughtful, considerate husband will understand this. His first duty is to his wife. This doesn't mean desert his mom,but make other arrangements than what is there now.
I read your post last night, and thought about you this first thing when I awoke this a.m.
If the shoe were on the other foot, and he,taking care of your mom under the same conditions, would he still be around and available?
Please listen, make a determined decision that you will do what is best FOR YOU......WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR WEDDING VOWS, YOU DID NOT SAY TO YOUR MIL "TILL DEATH DO US PART". SHE WASN'T PART OF THE CEREMONY, WAS SHE? I admire you for hanging in there for so long, but when it gets to you, physically and mentally, some CHANGES MUST BE MADE.
Keep in touch. My prayers are with you.

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