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Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me.

Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me.

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Posted by Mike on October 05, 2000 at 19:15:46:

In Reply to: Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me. posted by Kathrin on October 05, 2000 at 17:51:58:

All of those things are true.
I don't wish that I could talk to them really, I only wish that I could be like them. Sociable, arrogant, oversexed, and happy about it. I do feel more mature than them... But in a bad way.
A "I've experienced about as much pain as anyone you've encountered and I still have hell to look forward to" kind of maturity. I don't have anything to say to them, nothing to talk to them about... I have nothing in common with them. I'm part of a different species altogether it would seem. I'm afraid to talk to them, they'd look at me strangely... These people care about nobody but themselves, and they're to indulged in sex and relationships to give a crap about me.

My teachers do know what's going on... I have a form here they gave me today, I have to get it filled out so they can get extra funding to help me or something of that nature...

I do know where Carli lives (I visited her), I do have her phone number (long distance is expensive) and all those things... but I'm used to being able to talk to her any time about any thing... Now that I can't I feel completely lost.

I just wish that everything was over with, and I could hide in Carli's arms away from everything... and now I can't even talk to her.

: Clone (Mike, I mean)
: it seems that once again the darkness seems impenetrable... remember you are INSIDE the darkness right now and from the inside the outsdie cannot be seen, but it is there. The fog will lift again, never ever forget that. It is NOT true that it will just get worse and worse. You can only fall so deep. Then you will stand up and walk, look around and maybe still feel a little shaky on your feet but you will realize, oh, the world is still here, the sun is stil shining, a new day will begin... it is ALWAYS that way.
: I am concerned about your feelings of isolation, Mike, the stuff you write about school, how you only said two words (and ironaically that was when somebody asked a favor of YOU). You also say that your teachers probably don't know what is really going on, becuase they probably think the projects you turn in are just art, right?
: Mike have you ever asked yourself WHY you are feeling so isolated? it would be really important to now. Is it because you feel so down all the time that you just don't have the energy to even start an conversation? Or is it because you feel they wouldn't understand anyway and you don't have anything to say to them? Or is it because you are afraid they would reject you? Or maybe, HAVE you been rejected in the past? (like me when i went to junior high, that was SO sad).
: It is very likely that with all the things you have been going through you are much more mature than your classmates. is it that feeling that tells you, they wouldn't understand anything about you anyway?
: Please tell me oif all the assumptions I write down are wrong, i am just guessing and writing down possibilities.
: Would you LIKE to be closer to the others at school?

: By the way, do you know where Carli lives? Do you ahve her last name? Maybe there is a way to contact her. If not, rememebr, as somebody else said, it is not htta she doesn't love you anymore, the connection is just gone for the MOMENT. It will not be forever. Don't give up. try to think what Carli might think at the moment. She wouldn't want you to swallow pills and disappear from this world, right? Maybe she is hoping for a connection again later too? I am pretty sure she is. Don't give up hope my frined.

: Kathrin

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