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Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me.

Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me.

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Posted by Kathrin on October 06, 2000 at 00:50:18:

In Reply to: Re: Some say "nowhere to go but up!" but I know the truth, there's no bottom, at least not for me. posted by Mike on October 05, 2000 at 19:15:46:

I want to share something with you, maybe you can relate.
When I first started studying at the university that was after I had just gotten over anorexia and I was feeling really lost in this world, i didn't even know what I was studying for, I just knew I had to do something because I was so filled with that kind of emptiness that creeps up on you when there is just no dream to dream... I went to the orientation day and they talked and talked and they were all so enthusiastic and it felt like they all KNEW what they wanted to do... and I was sitting there thinking my own thoughts knowing I had just gone through such a bad time, how could I ever feel "nromal" again?
At another time, much later, I had another really bad time, this time it was all about fear, I was so SCARED all the time of things "normal" people just wouldn't even think about, I would sit in my lectures unable to comcentrate, just thinking FEAR all the time... and I remember how I looked down on the street from a classroom window and saw the people walking dwon there, thinking "they all have normal lives, they don't have these fears, these dark thoughts", feeling so alone in this, so stuck...
And I didn't relate to the other students.
People had told me I was different ever since Junior High, and there it made me very sad, because I just wanted to belong. Then came a time when I was sort of rebellious, wrote a lot of poetry and became quite popular, and started liking being different. But then later. during that depression-fear-etc time, i had times when I just wanted to be "normal" again, whatever that is.
And now?
Now I look back at all the good times and the bad times, all the things that I ever did, and I relaize, in the end, all in all, it will be good. It will be good. Who would I be now if I had always been just "normal"? Would I ever have moved to San francisco and gotten involved with helping the homeless? Would I ever have had so much inspiration to write all the songs I ever wrote and now often perform at Open Mics in cafes? Would I ever have met all the friends i met and feel close to now? And, most of all, who would I BE if I had never been "different"... maybe I would be happier (I doubt this though. Happiness on a superficial level is just not the same as real happiness that comes from having achieved something or really having helped somebody)? I would be... more suprficial probably. Less empathetic to other people's problems, because how could I relate if I had never seen any darkness?
On the other hand I truly understand that feeling of "I just want to be normal". I still have them sometimes. Sometimes I see other people and wonder if they ever have those kinds of problems, I see them on their way home and wonder, are they just going to go home and enjoy family life and do they never have problmes (believe me I am probably so wrong. THEY don't see MY problems either).
But Mike do you ever have times when you think it might just all be worth it? That all your experiences have a purpose, that there is something bigger than ourselves that gives our life meaning... and that there are even payoffs that we can enjoy and that make us feel strong?
Life is such a weird thing, isn't it... I wonder how people can be so superficial and just think about sex and dating and clothes and cars, the way you describe your classmates. Life is so much more than that. You know so much more about life than they do. They will probably have to learn a lot, still.
You need to find people you can relate to. When I came tom San Francisco I started hanging out with artists in cafes, mostly older folks, but who seemed to understand... we could philosophize about the world etc... support groups can be great too, maybe you can find something in your area? Where you could talk to people who can understand?

I hope any of what I am writing makes sense. I hope I expressed what I meant to say.

You may be right baout you having experienced much more pain than your classmates have ever encountered, so much that probably you don't even feel like TRYING to explain anything, because it is beyond words... (well mayeb you can ifnd somebody who looks kind of quiet too all the time, somebody who maybe doesn't talk a lot either becasue he/she is having a real hard time... and maybe you would get more understanding than you have ever thought of?) In any case you do NOT know what youb have to look "forward to". Things have been pretty bad, but that doesn't mean that you have "hell to look forward to". Things do NOT go down indefinitely. There is a point where they go up again.

In my life things have turned around 180 degrees so many times that I don't expect the darkness to last anymore. I am beyond that. I know there will be bad times again. When they come, i know they will go by again., Such is life. It is hard at times, but it gets easier as SOON as we think: This too shall pass.

I know right now it is especuially hard for you because the person you love the most (I think that is true right?) is out of reach for you... but Mike, as I said, she is there somewhere, she has not disappeared from the earth, and she probably thinks of you just as you think of her! Can't you feel this connection, how it is still there? If your love is strong (and it seems it is) it will not cease to be, but find its way. It is not just you who loves her, it is also her who cares a lot about YOU. Do not give up Mike.


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