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Re: Was I wrong?

Re: Was I wrong?

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Posted by RR on October 10, 2000 at 17:54:13:

In Reply to: Was I wrong? posted by Kat on October 08, 2000 at 14:26:44:

I think the most telling thing about the situation you describe is how short a time you were married. That's the key right there.
If you had a good marriage for years before this happened, perhaps counselling could help. But it sounds to me like you learned about
other unpleasant sides to your husband that would have shown themselves in other situations eventually. The fact that he burned pictures
of you is frightening: its permanent, vicious, and seems to symbolize a threat to get rid of you, or at least the person you have
been in the past. Most people just say terrible, hurtful things when angry, but actual physical destruction is a worrying sign. I apologize if I am
simplifying things with my opinion, but if I were in your shoes I would have bailed out and felt relief, never looking back. I think you should
be grateful that you were not together long enough to have a family. Please be strong and remain independant until you have found someone
you can really trust and communicate with, who has proven themselves in a variety of settings.
P.S. I'll bet if you look back on things, you'll begin to remember other early warning signs you ignored from early in the relationship.

: My husband and I are separated and we only communicate by phone. Our conversations are brief so that we don't argue. He blames me for our separation. Eight months ago we had a decent relationship. It wasn't perfect, but it seemed like things were okay on the surface. We have been together for eight years and we were married almost a year ago.
: Two months after we were married his best friend needed a place to stay so he invited him to stay with us. Both his friend and I said it was a bad idea. They had been friends since junior high and I knew the guy from high school, he had been my best friend's boyfriend. We didn't really know each other. My husband insisted and he moved in. At first we were all friends and since his friend was out most of the time things were okay. Then my husband complained that he was never here.
: To make my husband happy he started coming home early. We would sit around and talk as a group. Then his friend got a night job and things went to hell. He started staying out all night and my husband got mad again. Again his friend tried to please him and come home at night. I only work part time and when I don't work the next day I stay up all night. This gives me time alone to think. It's also a habit left over from my childhood. When he came in we would have brief conversations about work, music, movies etc. Normal conversation at 1am or whenever he came in.
: So far everything was normal. My husband teased us about talking too loud, but he wasn't mad. Then my husband found out his dad was dying of cancer. He was severely upset and both of us tried to be there for him. He denies this now. About a week or two later my grandmother told me she was sick and might not make it. This woman is the only family I have contact with. She raised me so I felt like I was losing my mother. I was extremely upset and when I told my husband he blew me off and treated the situation like it was nothing. I was losing it and had noone to turn to. I have no friends and no family I can talk to.
: I started drinking a bottle of wine a day. When my husband came home I was drunk and he didn't even notice! I was hiding the bottles and having mini-breakdowns after he went to bed. I cried all the time. I wanted it all to end. Unfortunately his friend walked in on a few of these crying sessions. At first he would try to give me space, but one night I was so bad he sat down and didn't say a word. He gave me the opportunity to talk and I spilled my guts. He told me things would get better and not to do anything stupid. I finally had someone to talk to and he could help me understand my husband. I saw him as a mutual friend.
: I discovered that we thought the same way. It was like talking to a male version of me. We became good friends. Nothing more. My husband didn't see it that way. I told him I had talked to his friend to help me sort out my problems and he went nuts. He kicked the guy out and burned my stuff. Photos of me for the past 15 years. I was extremely angry, but I still wanted to be there for him and help my friend in the process. I also wanted to salvage their friendship. My husband got even madder when his friend and I started saying the same things to him word for word, or so he says. I told him this was just because we were alike.
: I lost contact with his friend because my husband was making his life and mine a living hell. I haven't talked to him since. My husband still blames me for everything. I was desperate and I needed a friend. My husband had turned his back on me. I was thinking about suicide and I grabbed the only lifeline offered to me. I've tried to let the situation go, but my husband won't drop it. Was I wrong? I know this was long-winded but I am feeling depressed again and I had to get this out. It would help if I could get a male point of view. I have apologized more than once. Thanks.

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