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Suicidally depressed - are meds making me worse?

Suicidally depressed - are meds making me worse?

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Posted by Jen on October 29, 2000 at 17:22:26:

I am 26, and a single mom. A month ago I got very drunk while on 60 mg of Prozac, and I took 2 bottles of muscle relaxers and slit my wrists. I guess I nearly died, but my roommate and her boyfriend came home and found me. I was in intensive care for a week, and then released. I am now on 150mg of Effexor and 600mg of Neurontin. I feel like total crap - I go from being exhausted to shaky and restless. I have been irritable for no reason, and smoking almost two packs a day. I also have been very nervous. I just don't know what to do. I think about suicide at least ten times a day. I have been on several different meds and none have worked. I don't want my son to grow up wth a horrible mother who is too self-centered and mopey to make him happy. I have been depressed since I was very young, and bulimic since the age of eight. I used to be a professional model, and my family doesn't approve of me unless everything I do is perfect. I have managed to hold down a job thus far, but it's starting to get very, very difficult to even get up in the morning. I just want to be drunk so that I can not feel. I hate to be so whiny and self-absorbed - I really try to snap out of it and move on with my life, but I feel so very alone. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with my son, and I can't even bear to look in the mirror because I think I look hideous. I know it isn't true, and I know that people at work think I do a great job and am always very cheerful - but I go home and have no energy to do anything because I've been "acting" all day. There's really no one I can talk to except my shrink, who I think just wants to dope me up and get me out the door; and my roommate(who, ironically, is studying to be a shrink), who is probably so sick of hearing it, and who is also still freaked out about the OD. I feel like every year gets worse, and I have no hope of ever meeting anyone, or having a normal life. And now these drugs are making me feel like I'm psychotic. I know this message is way too long, but I just needed to get this off my chest. It seems like suicide is always in the back of my mind no matter what I do, and I have a child that I love - suicide just can't be an option, and I don't want to end up locked away somewhere. I'm so scared. I am so sick of feeling like this. If anyone out there has any insights or suggestions for me, I would truly appreciate it. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread.

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