Quote from bluejulie5:Hi everyone,
I am extremely ashamed of myself and a little depressed.
I have been ordering hydros and also getting them from my dr.
When I have a large supply I take them like I think they will never run out.
My daily dosage is increasing.
I am hurting my body and spending tons of money.
when I get down to 40 or so I feel the need to find more because I
am scared of w/d.
Please, is anyone out there that can relate to what I am saying?
Are any of you in the same situation I am in right now?
All I can really say as an reply to your statements is "me too," "me too," "me too," and "me too." We could be Blue Dallas or Julie Alice...but I am going through exactly the same as you. I have leveled off to an average of 10-12 of the norco 10/325s...by averaging I mean binging on days 1-3, then out of fear of running low too soon or not having enough to enhance those "special times," then I cut down to sometimes only 6 or 8. My intake is very erratic and the only consistent thing is when I wake up in the a.m. and realize I am still (right now the word would be "unfortunately still here") I always take about 3 first thing in the morning.
I am replying to tell you that I understand what your thought process is like, and I've been doing it for over 20 years...I won't repeat my whole story because it's posted in bits and pieces all over this place, but the night I decided to kill myself I made a thread called "Hard is life for those who live on for the sake of their loved ones," and Michelle immediately replied and talked me out of...for that night and until now...to not take the permanent solution to this "allegedly" temporary problem.
I can only say I empathize...my credit cards are maxed out, the hospital filed a lien on my house, I am in total seclusion, I only surface as needed, I flit from job to job, I am divorced and alone...with the exception of my two kids who live with me every other week and of course, my pills...my best friends. My life revolves around them...when, where and how I will get them. I don't know how old you are, but I'm just about to turn 47 and have lived most of my entire adult life (since 14 or so) on drugs of some kind or another. These opiates are absolutely the hardest thing I've ever tried to make a decision about.
I finally called a methadone/subutex clinic but haven't gone over there yet; I've talked to Philster about a tapering plan but am concerned I don't have the right amount of not only pills but of the willpower the other poster spoke of to do a taper. I've tried c/t so many times, but never make it past day 3 and that's what sends me to the ER, and to say that I spend $1,500 on an ER visit to only get the 3 hrs. of the morphine or demerol IV they give me plus the script for percs or vikes upon my discharge is downright impossible for me to read what I am typing! Imagine what I could do with that money! If I start thinking about that, though, the depression just gets worse and I beat up on myself that much more.
I am where you are, and you will be where I am, and it's not as fun a place to be as it used to be, that's all I know, and all I can share is to say that I understand very clearly what you are saying, and I have used this place to vent so much over the last few weeks that I finally think some of what these good people here are telling me is sinking into what's left of my brain cells. Amazing what that warm fuzzy feeling will make us give up and chose over other things in life...
I'll watch for your posts and will talk anytime. I don't know much about getting clean except for how hard it is, and I know a lot about staying up with the cycle of juggling doctors and pharmacies and the price it costs, and I'll share with you whatever you'd like. My rational thoughts battle my irrational thoughts constantly, and it's like being a hamster in a wheel--round and round and round she goes, where it stops, nobody knows?
Hang in there and keep venting. They tell me here that it does get better...I so hope they are right.