Discussions that mention demerol

Addiction & Recovery board

Thank you Lisa, Rockingham...and Michelle from another thread!

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes, your thoughts and words really do mean a lot to me. It's like you said, Lisa, I do feel as if I know many of you and I do have pictures in my mind of what everyone looks like, and I sincerely consider you all my friends, even though for now it is in the "virtual reality" sense! Seriously, you all have made such an impact on my life, that there is no other way to think of you than as a very good friend of mine.

This birthday was so different from my b'days of the past. My last b'day that I had that did not involve pain pills was probably around when I turned 18. Ever since then, I've always had a way of getting pills for "those special days!" Ick... I remember the pills and what kind and how many from most b'days, but I don't recall the people or the events of the day, so I hope that this b'day will be the start of a new tradition and I will always have different memories to fill my mental scrapbook with.

How I spent my day...well, I went to the clinic and took my dose, then I stayed for my first group meeting. It was so wonderful! There were only 4 of us, and then the head of the counseling dept. to lead the group along with the meth clinic director. We did an exercise in cognitive behavior, and I found it so enlightening and also a reality check that I've only begun to scrape the surface of this thing known as addiction. We had to write down an event that triggered an angry response in us, and then discuss it and learn a different way to handle a situation like that if it were to ever happen again. Well, when they got to me, and I read them mine, I heard lots of "oh man," and "oooh, wow, really?!" My anger inducing situation was my relapse in August...so I wrote down "Using for a migraine last month." I got so much help and the group focused primarily on my example, although we did go through each person's example as well. I guess because mine was an admittance of using, it was a good one to address for a group of addicts. So I spent my morning with strangers with whom, by the end of an hour, I felt they were no longer strangers. One was a 22-yr. old man who had been an addict since he was 15...got into his mother's demerol at a very young age. Another was a woman much like myself, she is 40 and addicted to pain pills, but the mind-blowing thing is that her husband put her in detox for 5 days and now thinks she's "cured." Little does he know that she is on methadone! She waits till he's gone to work and her kids are in school and then she comes to the clinic. I was so surprised, and I asked her why she didn't tell him? Her answer was, "he'd kill me..." I felt really bad for her. The other lady was a 40ish Latino woman who reminded me of Charo! Her accent, her energy, all of it! She was so cool, and her anger inducing moment was when a lady whom she is letting stay with her until she gets back on her feet, took one of her last 3 packs of cigarettes and left a note and some money in its place. We spent a lot of time talking about her rational and irrational reaction and thoughts about what happened, and she ended up realizing that it wasn't the actual incident that caused her this much anger, it was that she expected this lady to know that what she did was beyond her personal boundaries with respect to her belongings, etc. It was quite an eye-opening session that's for sure, so my present to myself was going to a group meeting where I learned that contained within most actions an addict does is either an expression of love or a seeking of it.

There was an hour+ long conversation of unconditional love and support with my sister, who is ten yrs. older than me (the one w/the incestous ex-husband). It was great talking so openly and honestly with her :)! Then there was a call from my kids who are at their dads and it was filled with "I love you, mom" and "happy birthday, see...you're not old!" sentiments. Another call from my ex's aunt and uncle to express their love and best wishes, and then a coming to this board and seeing a birthday thread started by my anonymous support group pals! All of this is so strangely overwhelming, and in all honesty, a meeting with strangers, your posts and these calls were the best presents I could have ever asked for.

So today I celebrated my new life and the realization that if I had kept on the way I was going, I may not even be here to have this day. My job at the mortuary ended (thankfully), but I know I was sent there for a reason, and I took with me what I was suppposed to learn...the value of a human life. I started a new, full-time permanent job last week and they waived the 90-day probation period for health insurance, and offered it to me Friday, and said they will pay 100 percent of it!!! I haven't had insurance for 5 years, and I almost cried (well, I did, I just waited until I was out of the office...) It has truly been, for the first time, a birthday I can celebrate by looking back on what I've accomplished in this last year and be able to say that I feel I've accomplished a heck of a lot for an addict. I have gone from being unemployed, uninsured, and a full-blown pain pill addiction full of depression and suicidal thinking to being gainfully employed, insured, and no more thoughts of pills and the craziness that surrounds it. It was a very good day indeed :)...

I also celebrated having my senses still about me, and having at least the sense to not lose my house by spending the day at home after the meeting and doing some "puttering" and cleaning...after all, this is my home and this is something I own and it deserves some respect and appreciation for giving me a comfortable place to live and grow and learn. My sense of sight I celebrated by watching the sunset and viewing the almost-full moon thru my backyard telescope as well as looking into the eyes of my counterparts in this mtg. today; my sense of hearing I celebrated by listening to some tunes of my past, my children's voices, and listening to my baby cat purring as she slept by my side this afternoon; my sense of touch I celebrated by feeling my children's hugs, my cat's soft fur, and my ability to click on these keys and communicate with you all; my sense of taste I celbrated by tasting my methadone and aknowledging its role in my new life, and later, by eating my dessert before my dinner simply because I can :)! My sense of smell I celebrated by smelling the carnations I bought for myself along with a "sunshine" scented bottle of hand lotion to take to work! I am relishing in my aloneness rather than wallowing it it, and tomorrow I will go to a depression glass show and even if I don't add anything to my collection, the beauty of the glass and the history behind it will stimulate my senses all over again.

I have finally found that I can have my b'day cake and eat it, too...and so with all my love and respect and thanks, I wish you all a good night and a wonderful day tomorrow. It is a tried and old cliche', but stopping to smell the roses, or in other words simply appreciating what we have and what we didn't, as addicts, do today, can be quite a big reward for time spent and often wasted on other way less important things. And that leads me to my final celebration...today I didn't take any pills, nor did I even think of or desire them. If you would have asked me 3-6 months ago how I would feel at 47, I would have said the then-obvious thing, "old," but today I feel very much alive and each of you played a very big part in my achieving that feeling, so thank you all again from the bottom of my heart...