Discussions that mention emsam

Depression board


I don't have the mental energy or clarity to do justice to the incredible amount of misery I am in/have been in since being diagnosed 4 years ago. (I'm now 21) I am currently on 6 mg of the new EMSAM patch, have been for over a month with ever-worsening symptoms...psychiatrist believes I may be manic-depressive. Also taking Ativan for anxiety, changed from Klonopin which was started in December. My fourth antidepressant. Was hospitalized partially as an outpatient last September for three months after my university therapist and home therapist insisted. (I withdrew from college one year ago today due to severe depression. I was on the verge of psychosis)

I just want to share what I came up with at 2:00 this morning after sitting in bed for two hours, unable to sleep. I thought it very profound and the closest I've ever come to describing how I feel, but maybe it will seem nonsensical or dramatic...anyway...

"I feel like life is something very far away, as if mine is existing somewhere very distant and remote like outer space. Meanwhile, I am here, on Earth, and all that connects my physical being, the state of being alive, in its most scientific and dictionary-defined sense to and all knowledge of a well-structured continuance is a very long, very thin, and very fragile string, that of which I can't quite grasp." ..."I am ebbing away. I feel like there is a complete blankness behind my eyes, a silence surrounding my being."

I have a full-time job in retail, and only my assistant manager knows of my struggle. There have been times, more often than not, where I will burst into tears, and become completely silent and withdrawn while at work. It's becoming harder to separate my personal life (which is not much different...I do not speak to my parents, I can't even look them in the eye, I ignore all of my friends, I spend most of the time crying, journaling, listening to music, sleeping, worrying, contemplating...) from work. It's at the point where I don't even see the point of making the effort to be productive. I am not a fully functioning human being.

I've had thoughts of suicide, but I would never go through with it. That is why I fear I will not be admitted.

Also, I find it very hard to explain myself/my situation/my feelings to another person, at least in words. I have journals full of my emotional spillings but would never show them to anyone. However, I feel it's the only way anyone could understand, as I lack the ability to communicate anymore. I want my psychiatrist to literally go with me to the hospital and tell them everything that's wrong with me. I don't have the objectivity to do it for myself.

I feel like I have no concept, no understanding of anything. Especially of my existence. I'm just floating through life, and it scares me.

I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. Please share thoughts and experiences of hospitalization, other options. Electroshock therapy? Surgery? I say this because I'm convinced I am treatment-resistant. Hopeless.