Discussions that mention emsam

Bipolar Disorder board

Hi all... :)

((I am finding it EXTREMELY hard to concentrate at the moment, I'll do my best))

I was diagnosed with BP II in August of 2006 after a four week hospital stay. I admitted myself because of severe depression, and the diagnosis was made based on the fact that almost instantly after being taken OFF of the particular anti-d (the "revolutionary" EMSAM patch), my mood swings surfaced, and I exhibited ultra-rapid cycling.

Since I can't recall anything med or mood related from that far back, (everything seems blurred, you know?) I'll fast-forward to where I am now.
Currently taking 50 mg of Lamictal, 20 mg of Lexapro, and 1 mg of Ativan 4x per day.

Despite what was possibly the lowest low I have ever experienced in my life at 2:30 p.m. on February 15th when I cornered myself on the bathroom floor, called my psychiatrist, and through gushing tears, answered, "yes," when asked if I had thoughts of killing myself, I think that the Lamictal is stabilizing the extremity of my depression.

However, two days later, I found myself in a completely different place. I'd appreciate some feedback here, as I'm not sure whether this was a manic episode. It was the evening, and I was suddenly, out of nowhere, filled with an immense amount of irritability. It literally stopped me in my tracks and I remember grabbing at walls, pacing, circling, rocking back and forth on the floor, lying on the bed and kicking my legs uncontrollably, throwing myself face-down on the mattress, placing a pillow over my ears because I suddenly could not stand sound, thoughts racing, repeating words in my head, and a desire to go outside and run 50 laps around my house. I wanted to scream.

Since then, (and it's so hard for me to distinguish anymore) I suppose I have been feeling alternating symptoms of irritability, distractedness, confusion, agitation, spurts of energy, indecisiveness, mind-racing, little to no motivation, extreme social withdrawal (I have not spoken to my friends in a month), isolation, and a general feeling that I am constantly living in la-la land!!!

I seem to have forgot where I was going with all of this...

I want so badly to be able to function in society. I want to go back to school, I want to move out of my parents' house, I want a steady relationship, I want to contribute something, I want my life to mean something, but all I feel is that I am mentally deteriorating. At 21, it's especially frustrating.

I am now wanting to erase everything I just wrote because I feel it must make absolutely no sense and it is positively worthless.

I feel like I will be fighting this battle and feeling this way for the rest of my life.

Point blank: will I ever rise above this and live a semi-normal life as an adult??? Whatever that means..I don't even know anymore.