Discussions that mention hydrocodone

Addiction & Recovery board


Hey guys and gals.
First,no,I didnt use.I had quite a scare,but I didnt do it.

Let me explain. My family and I went down to Boston this weekend for a family get together,nice,was my older brothers daughters first communion. I'm the black sheep,my family is all pretty straight,couple beers now and then,thats it,no drugs at all. We had a really nice weekend.
Loads of people,great food,etc, saw some great folks we havent seen in awhile since we moved to Maine a few years ago. Again,great time.
So i go to get a glass out of the kitchen cupboard,and BAM.
Bottle of pills,look closer, see "hydrocodone,for pain..."
BAM,BAM,BAM...heart lurching from my chest,had to go outside...smoke a butt...there goes my demon trying to figure out how to get those pills...and here is my strong side fighting it...was absolutely awful...Here i have been so good and figure i am so damn strong,but I am not.
Again,tho,I didnt use.was awful,but I didnt do it.
Fought it all night, we stayed there, woke up early,and here is my demon being an absolute hateful thing...here goes the battle again...I went so far as to open the cupboard..look at the bottle...hydrocodone,hydrocodone...
I was scared bad.
You want to know what stopped me?????????????????
YOU GUYS.
I kid you not.
This has become my safe place that I love dearly and need badly. I could not do those pills and come in here and feel good and do not want to lose the very good,no,great feelings I get thru this place.
You have no idea how many different ways i thought about getting away with taking some of those pills but could not bring myself to do it for fear of losing much.
I hate this. This was bad. I am an addict and realized it very much this weekend.I will always be an addict,even if dont ever use again. This realization is so scary.
I have been so strong,and felt so good about what I am doing for quite awhile now,(for me,anyhow) and felt soooo weak this weekend. I dont like feeling weak.

It was because of this place that I did not use this weekend. I know its not a good reason, but right now I can sit here and be honest and feel good and if I had used I would not feel good and might not be here,and I dont want that.
I want this,instead.

If all of you had not been supporting me thru this past month the way you have been, with love and sincerity and hope I might have used this weekend.

Thank you all so much. I am still clean.

jerry.
Good morning,and thanks for the replies.

I feel good today, but yesterday ( 5 am while everybody was sleeping) when I had that pill bottle in my hand I was scared to death. Now,I didnt do any,and put it back quickly, but just for me to reach into that cupboard...take out the pill bottle, read it...I even went so far as to open it and look inside....that was bad,bad, bad.

I know any reason is a good reason, but for me to have that open bottle in my hand shows how weak I really am....and just how easy it would be to be right back where I was; A really bad drug addict oxy snorting pill popping fiend. It would be soooo easy to be right back there and when I tell you I was scared that is an understatement.

Funny how it comes at us...my brothers house was the last place I ever even expected to see any narcotics...I think they are for his bad back. Probably been in there for a year. Seems to me like danger is around every corner.

If I continue to be clean is my addiction going to get better?
Am I not going to be scared seeing a stipid pill bottle?
Does it take ten years or will I never be normal again?

I ask myself these things and worry so much. I want to do good like you dont even know...or you probably do. I hate worrying. I hate the one day at a time thing. I know I need to and will continue but addiction just plain sucks.
I look at people like my brother, or so many others who have never been and will never be an addict and then I look at myself. Folks who are not addicts have absolutlely no idea whatsoever how lucky they are. They just dont know
how lucky they are not to have to go thru what we do, battle for good or bad in your head, fighting this every stinkin step of the way.

I really do worry that maybe I'll be clean for ten years, 20 or 8 months...and that I will use. I hate this daily battle right now. And then if I do use that I'll be right back where I started...

I feel good today. I'm just venting, please bear w/ me. I guess I'm clean today and thats all that matters.Right now,at least. That pill bottle of hydrocodone at my brothers just hit me like a ton of bricks as to just how vulnerable I am. I'm not invincible, but I'm sure as hell going to keep trying. day by day.

peace,and God bless.
jerry.