Discussions that mention hydrocodone

Addiction & Recovery board

I am new here. Here's my story:

I am 27 years old. A year ago, I got a prescription for 7.5 mg hydrocodone, ad I knew it was a bad idea to fill it, because I have a very addictive personality. It's never been terribly bad with the hydros, the most I've ever taken consistently is 3-4 a day over 2 months. I will get a script of 90, eat them in a month, go through withdrawals, and then swear off them. The problem is I'm never off them fo more than 2-3 weeks before I go get another one filled.

The physical part sucks, but the emotional aspect of this drug is killing me. I've always ben a pretty positive person, but negative thoughts now constantly overwhelm my mind. I had a beautiful girlfriend who I loved for two years, who just broke up with me a few months back because she wasn't feeling the same way about me anymore. She used to adore me, and everything I did. I am positive that the man she fell in love with wasn't the man who took 2 hydros a day behind her back. While that may not sound like a lot to som people, I am positiv that it changed my personality from a type A, to a fearful, and antisocial (unless I just took a pill) person.

When we broke up, I would get off the pills for a few weeks, and magically she would come back to me....then I would be fearful of rejection again, begin using.....and magically she would fall away from me again. It's like she could sense the moody, fearful, person I became INSIDE wen I was using....I never let it show on the outside.

I'm not really interested in anything I used to be interested in....music, wakeboarding, going out...it all revolves around I am high or not. The depression is the absolute worst, and I cry uncontrollably at the thought of her, r the thought of what I am doing to myself.

I am highly successful, and have everything in the world going for me..... except this inner turmoil that I battle everyday. Everyone has noticed a change in me, and they originally chalked it up to the breakup, but I know I would be over it by now, if I didn't keep taking these stupid pills for 4 hours of happiness, and 20 hours of emotional hell.

I decided to stop this. I have about 4 hydros left, and I plan to either flush them, or go down to 1 per day from 3 a day if I can't get my Valium script filled (I don't have a problem with benzos).

I guess I'm looking for support, and some reassurance that my old self will come back....like I said, I never make it past the 3 week mark, so I never have time to emotionally recover. I remember 1 time earlier this year, when I felt a moment of pure happiness that I hadn't experienced in a year. I had been off the pills for 3 weeks, and guess what? I was in such a good mood that I refilled my script because I felt invincible.

When does your old self return? I know my problem is not that bad, but the depression is killing me.

Thank you to anyone who responds.