[SIZE="4"]My journey began as a child being thrown around & beaten by a very abusive mother. I got thrown out at the age of 16 because I couldn't take it anymore & started fighting back. I started hearing the voices during my 15th yr but I dealt with them by smoking a LOT of pot. I also drank severely. I self-medicated till i was 20 when I met a beautiful & wunderful woman with 3 kids. We wed & she got pregnant 15 times in 9 yrs. I lost a total of 28 children to misscarriage. I don't know why it happened but it really sucked. At first our marriage was great but then she started showing signs of depression. I had a homicidal episode & got put on meds for psychosis & bipolar. My wife got worse and I sat there unable to do anything about it. It finally killed her in January of 2000. Devestated & in trouble of losing my mind, her 3 kids were taken from me by her family in April of that yr. Now I was alone, totally, and hearing the voices again. My meds weren't doing anything to help and my shrink was telling me it was just trauma and that it'd go away. It didn't. I moved & got a new shrink & new meds & finally the voices stopped. I met a new woman in february of the next yr & have been with her ever since. She has seen me absolutely lose my mind twice in the almost 7 yrs we've been together & she's not afraid. I'm surprised by that fact but very relieved too. I have a new shrink & am on several different meds (Invega, Lamictal, Lexapro, Prevacid fer stomach troubles, Lisinopril fer high BP, Glucofage & Actos for diabetes caused by the antipsychotics, Xanax) These have caused the voices to go away but with great cost. I have been on SSI since 95. I have learned to live on next to nothing but it's getting harder all the time. I live in a small town & am considered an outsider because I wasn't born here. I don't have any friends that I can talk to around here except on my puter. I live in here most of the time. I've been looking for a place to talk to others like myself, schizoaffective/bipolar, with no luck at all. It would be nice to finally have somebody that understands exactlly where I'm coming from. Evidently, the bipolar & depressed in the town rule because there just aint any psychotics looking for friends here. There is a diabetes group that meets on mondays but they think I'm strange. Or maybe I think they think I'm strange. I dunno for sure. I'm going to see my shrink again soon to discuss this paranoia problem. I keep thinking that certain people are either out to get me or can hear my thoughts. What really sux is not knowing for sure if you're hunted or paranoid. My voices don't tell me I'm the worst person alive anymore, thankfully, because they're gone for now. But the paranoia thing is starting to hurt my relationship. Welp, I think I've taken up enuff of y'alls time. I'll check back soon to see if anybody read this. Thanks if you do, and if you don't wanna reply, that'll be ok too.