Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

It’s hard to know where to start with something like this. I guess chronologically. There is so much to tell and in many ways I’m afraid. I’m afraid I might bore you, put you off talking to me, or make you think I’m an awful person. But I believe this will help. That by telling complete strangers my story I may come to terms with things myself. So, here goes……

I started at 15 taking silly drugs like weed & acid. To be honest, everyone else did so I found myself following the crowd so to speak. This carried on and really wasn’t a problem until I was 18. I started going out to clubs and bars and taking cocaine, x and speed on a regular basis. Again, this didn’t seem a problem to me at the time. I had it all under control. But with drugs, one thing always leads to another. You keep your ears to the ground listening out for the next coolest drug around.

It was only a matter of time before I found out about heroin.

It was a friend of mines brother who introduced me to it. He was very reluctant but I hassled him no end. I was totally unaware of how it could take control of me. I had really only been a recreational drug user (if there is such a thing) up until now. None of the drugs I had done in the past had really controlled me, so I went into this oblivious and naïve.

It was the most euphoric feeling I had ever experienced. I managed to limit my use to once a weekend at first. And then Friday and Saturdays. And then Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. And then I was doing it every day of the week.

I introduced many of my friends to it. I got them addicted too. In many ways, I felt it was innocent. I hadn’t experienced withdrawal so I wasn’t totally aware of what I was playing with. I was positive that if I wanted to, I could stop. But at this point, I didn’t want to. Everything was so comfortable on heroin. I was wrapped in cotton wool. I could cope with everything life had to throw at me, I took my life with a pinch of salt.

I managed to work easily at first. Until I started turning up late, leaving early and having extended lunches so I could get a hit. I lost my job.

I turned to various other methods of getting money, none of which included theft. All of which, at this point, I don’t feel comfortable telling you. I did, however, work intermittently here and there. I must have got through 15 different jobs.

Anyway, much more happened during the heroin days so I’m going to cut this very short and start to explain what changed in my life.

I had tried rehab, detox, cold turkey, methadone programmes and counselling as half-baked attempts to stop using. Always for someone else, my family etc. None of them worked with me. I sometimes believe because I wasn’t ready to stop.

January 2002 I met a guy. He was American and lived in Austin, Tx. He totally changed my life around in many ways. I went out to see him, taking along my ‘stuff’ & some methadone with me…although I probably shouldn’t say that. I totally fell in love with him and I got alone amazingly with his friends. I decided I wanted to stop using heroin. For the first time in my life I made a conscious decision to stop because *I* wanted to. One of his friends told me about Oxycontin. It was the perfect way to stop doing heroin.
I did stop using heroin. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but I gradually became stable on OC. I was using around 60-80mg a day at first. Of course, I was really under false pretence of being ‘off’ drugs. I had just replaced one for another. As time went on, my intake of OC increased and I was snorting pill after pill and spending an absolute fortune on it. People would goto Mexico and bring me my share back. My new life was starting to resemble my old life.

My visa was about to run out. I had to come home to England. I bought a few home with me to wean me off. But when they ran out I went back to heroin. Without my boyfriend around to ‘keep’ me off so to speak.

Well, to cut a VERY long story short. He came to visit me last summer. I wanted to get back off heroin for when he came over. I went to my doctors and got into a Legal! Prescription on Buprenorphine (Temgesic) which I have been on ever since. My doctor is taking me down gradually. I still buy the odd extra prescription off friends who are selling them. Just for that extra bit of comfort.

I realise I still have a problem. I’ve done heroin two or three times since last summer. Its so hard to live without it. But I’m going to keep ploughing on. I try to be happy without it, just like other people I see. Everyone is so normal. I always feel cold, both physically and emotionally. I truly imagine I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life. The devil feels so good and once you’ve felt that, everything seems to pale in comparison.

Woe is me.

God, I’m so sorry for boring you all. This post is stupidly long and very self centred. I guess I just want to talk to similar people. Help people with my experiences as much as I can. Most of all, I want to feel a part of something. People who havn’t experienced addiction, especially opiate addiction, are just so different to us.

Anyway, I’ve read a fair bit about you guys. So now you know about me too. I hope you all still want to talk with me!!

Love Kat xxx

Hi Kat,

I was hooked for so many yrs on H and it ruined my life.
I have been on methadone now for 18 yrs. Have you tried that?
Could relate to everything you said in your post.
Hi txdebb,

Yes, I was on a Methadone script for 6 months....it didnt agree with me.....my detox off Methadone was a vile experience.....see, I want to be clean of everything eventually....I dont want to spend my life addicted to something....I dont want to replace heroin for methadone......for me, its the lesser of two evils...

I'm not undermining the fact that methadone has worked for you.....thats great..and 18 years??!! WOW!....have you ever done heroin since??...do you do any other drugs??...or are you just stable on meths??....would love to know more about you

I'm glad you could relate to my post....its nice to know there are other people around who 'know' as I mentioned in my post, people who have never been addicted to heroin are soooo different....they just dont get it do they?

Anyway, you have a nice day...look forward to hearing from you

Kat xx