Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board


Hello,

I'm new here (to you), yet I feel from my many, many months of lurking as if I know so many of you...Root and his long trials and tribulations, Michelle and her faith, Lisa and her struggles with an abusive husband, Banker who has dreams I have no doubt she will see to fruition, spark who posts only as needed, Philster who has helped so many with his ability to taper, Rockingham and the methadone road, Murphy who loves cats as much as me, Willow who got to go take a trip to England, Howard and No Patience facing the battle of their lives...so many success stories, and then for every one of those, there's a new one from the likes of a person like me.

My story, you don't want to know...well, maybe it would be cathartic to just type it out and it can be thought of as a deadly car accident one drives by and doesn't want to look but chooses to anyway. I have used and abused every person I know in my 20+ years of drug abuse. I have lied, stolen, even pretended to love someone or two or three just because they were chronic pain patients and it gave me access to their drugs. I've dated a neurologist that I had no interest in whatsoever, he fell in love with me and wanted to marry me, but when I found out he no longer was going to dole out percs or vikes to me, I left him in the dust with so many others...so many men.

Early on in life, my rationalization for using men was that "hey, they used and abused me, so I might as well get something in return," and it was so dang easy. Flirt with a doctor here or there in the waiting room, shed a tear or play damsel in distress, and they would whip out a script pad without a moment's hesitation and give me whatever I needed. I'm not proclaiming to be all that, or say what I did was right...it's just that I wanted "payback" and make myself "comfortably numb" (as Pink Floyd sang about).

I've systematically eliminated everyone who was ever a friend or family member from me in an attempt to be alone with my best friends...my pills. I have two children who are in their teens, straight A's, athletes, more awards and trophies than I have room for, and instead of feeling proud...I wonder where the heck they got it because it sure wasn't from my gene pool. So when I do my every-other-month or so dance for the docs and get "my friends" to come over, I feel fine--temporarily, that is. I'm now almost 50, have over $10,000 debt, and have been unemployed for 15 months, but those "friends" keep calling, and I keep answering.

I've tried c/t, tapering, everything but the sub and/or meth and nothing works; I have zero willpower and I truly don't know what to do. I have Post traumatic stress syndrome for which I've sought treatment (a result of being raped while tied up at knifepoint, along with an incestous "relationship" with my brother-in-law who was my "first" at the age of 15, and having grown up with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother addicted to phenobarbital), but it didn't help. It's old news, it all happened a lifetime ago, and it's over...but the repercussions I feel are just now showing their ugly faces. I know I can't justify my actions because of a pity party over what happened, and it's not like the rapist killed me (well, a part of my soul, maybe), and probably the worst thing--and catalyst for more drugs--was the death of my brother when I was 25 (he was 33...motorcyclist vs. drunk driver). My parents are long dead, but I don't blame them (maybe the genetics are there). I know I only have myself to blame...

I've been used, abused, and you know what? I don't like it here anymore, and that takes me back to the heading of my post as I ponder my life, what I've become, and what the heck it is I'm doing here anyway? (besides consuming massive doses of opiates and benzos...not too productive a member of society). It was so easy in the beginning, and I finally realized it all has to end...but how? Choose following the heading of my post or not? It may sound silly, but when taking a shower or doing a load of laundry becomes almost a "Herculean" task, you wouldn't think it would be so hard to decide, would you?

Thanks for listening, and good luck to you all...

DallasAlice
i know you want a change and it is possible. and its not about you not being able to stop using all the narcotics. its about having the desire to stop using. you make that decision first, then you take the steps that are needed.

you are an excellant candidate for methadone treatment. you should strongly consider this option. i will answer any question you have.
After reading some very kind and sincere replies, perhaps its the amt. of drugs in my system, or the fact that drugs have been part of my life since the age of 13, but unlike you all...I just don't feel the desire to stop it yet. As I've gotten older, they're just easier and easier to get. My primary dr. who put me on the benzo (tranxene) 15 yrs. ago said I was a candidate for being on it for life...I've tried to quit it (it's really expensive and I don't have health insur.), but the wd are the absolute worst...Howard knows what I mean.

To the poster whose father shot himself, I am truly sorry for your loss. It was his life any way you look at it, though, and how he chose to live or end it was his business. I know you are hurting...my father died 10 yrs. ago of cirrhosis of the liver, and he was such a mean, brutal man that I wish he would have left this world before he left more scars on people. Maybe your father was a nice alcoholic, but mine was downright vicious and I don't miss him a bit nor have I ever shed a tear for him. I spit on his grave 10 yrs. ago in Minnesota, and I've never looked back. My mother chose cigarettes, and she preceded him in death 7 weeks before from lung cancer...and deep down, I knew she wanted to go. I never saw such serenity until the day the morphine drip was hooked up and she died the next day. My brother died 22 yrs. ago, and the one sister I have left...well, to say we're estranged is to say the least, but I hear she is dieing from Hepatitis C. I'll never know, we don't talk.

Rockingham says I need the desire...I'll let you know if I find it. If I chose Methadone, wouldn't I be facing the wrath of those on here who say "don't exchange one drug for another?" And it would appear that the end result is the same...withdrawals, unless it's a lifelong thing...am I right?

Burnaby, I know I'm not special or unique...gracious, when I went in to hear the voice of a suspect in my rape case (I was 18), I walked into a room with at least 20+ women in there...all to listen to one guy talk because we were raped with the same M.O. I would say I understand depression, but I truly try to cover the self-pity when it rises up in me...the only way I survived the rape at knifepoint was by telling myself over and over, "at least he didn't torture me, at least he wasn't a Ted Bundy...." because it could have been worse. No, I am not unique, special, just alone...yet you say it can't be done alone? I have purposely pushed everyone out of my life, my phone only rings when the pills call. I did it deliberately because I didn't want anyone to know...ssshhhh, don't tell...that's what children of alcoholics are taught.

Michelle, I'm sorry I don't have your faith to share, but I do want to know if you think you can really tell heaven from hell...here on earth, that is?

My kids and I have already talked about my arrangements...I neglected to tell you all that I had cancer many years ago, and my dr. suspects it's back yet I don't, but in a sick way (I guess it is a sick way?), I am almost hoping it is back so this can just be done with...no insurance, don't want to leave my kids without a home to live in, so "sorry, I'll pass on more surgery," and never could you get me to take chemo or radiation! No fight in me if it's back...been there, done that. So when the kids see me uncomfortable, they wonder if this is it...and I know they're as prepared as they can be. We've talked about the cremation, who gets what, etc. My "Will" is to be finalized this week.

Fight? So far, I'm not sure for what, but I'll hang around and see if anything clicks with me here. Guess this is the part where one takes what they need and leaves the rest, eh? When the "you're so selfish," and blasting posts start to show up, please don't confuse my closing an eye as a wink, it is simply to not see as I pass by....

DallasAlice