Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board


Hello all,
I don't know why I'm writing this right now. This is so totally unlike me, but right now, as of this very moment, I'm terrified. Scared to death. Lying in bed next to a woman that I love dearly and crying inside. Afraid that I'll never get over this addiction. Afraid that my pills won't last through the vacation....afraid of withdrawals as soon as I get back from vacation, afraid of what I'm doing to my body, afraid that my girlfriend will be so disappointed in me, more afraid that parents will be even more disappointed in me after watching me, but not understanding, me go through my first addiction while I was in the military and seeing me go through a 5 week inpatient treatment, then afterward go to court and then jail for 5 months. How can no one understand how difficult this is? When I'm without the drugs, I sit here and wonder how its possible to even get up and walk out the door to check the mail. I'm soooo afraid. I'm terrified. I'm going to call the Methadone clinic tomorrow and see what must be done to get on Methadone therapy, but I'm terrified of that as well. I'm a Biochem major in college. What self respecting Biochem agency is going to accept a Methadone patient? All these things are flying though my mind a million miles a minute. I'm 25 yrs old and have been fighting this for the past 4 years. I'm young. I don't want to live with this. I don't want the pain anymore. I don't want the fear anymore. I don't want the self loathing anymore. None of it. Please just let me have the strength to live each minute for the minute while I am on vacation and make it an enjoyable and memorable trip for myself and the one that I love. I just needed to get that out. I'm sure some of you have felt the same way at times. I don't cry on the outside. I pray that I can afford and am able to begin some sort of treatment when I get back. I'm a college student and I have no health insurance. All we can tell ourselves is to be strong, but its hard sometimes when I feel as fragile as a leaf bitten by the frost. There has to always be some sort of hope.................
DJ-
Why not seek the help of an addictionologist-for suboxone-its private/no clinics/no public health,etc..
This will basically do the same thing as methadone-w/o all that hassle-you can search suboxone-on the web-there is a physicians locator for your area-
Im telling you-it saved my life-and others on this board-
I feel for you-all the emotions you are feeling-as natuaral-you are ready to blow this off-you can do a short term detox-or maintainence-
I hope you look into this-i think you'd be a good canidate for this program...
peace-
GGRl65 :angel:
Thank you for your kind words. I really needed them. I'm feeling much better today. I'm trying to limit myself to 8 or 9 pills a day. That should last me through my vacation and a little bit further. Goddess, the reason I am not seeing an addictionologist is 1. I have no insurance.....2. the only Sub prescribing doc in my town charges $400 for the initial visit and $100 each week thereafter....3. his waiting list is over 6 months long...............What are the hassles associated with Methadone? I tried to call the Methadone clinic today, but they have odd hours. I will call them tomorrow and see what is required to become a patient. Does anyone know? Can you just walk in or do you have to make an appointment? Do they have waiting lists as well? I really hope not. I'm going to try not to worry myself right now though. I have tons of packing and getting ready to do right now so I can enjoy my trip. Thank you to all who replied. Kindness is a healer and is so comforting sometimes. I'll be back later tonight.
DJ,

I have more I could write about all the things and feelings you wrote in your first post on this thread...I've had that same "movie reel" play over and over in my mind many, many times until I was at the point of thinking death was the only answer, and then I came here, made a post about two months ago called "hard is life for those who live on for the sake of their loved ones," and the replies and relationships I built with these board members kept me going and then going some more until I finally did something...I made a call to a methadone/suboxone clinic. I haven't even filled the board in on what I'm doing as I try to quit my hydro/benzo addiction, but I'm going to write you real quick with hopefully some answers to the methadone aspect of the clinic I called.

First you go in to the clinic and they do a physical--blood work, UA, and a general overall exam. Prior to that, though, when you first come in, you meet with a counselor and they fill out all their paperwork, a kind of drug addiction history, when did you start drugs, what do expect of us, of yourself, what are your interests, kind of personality profile sort of thing. Then if you decide you want to go the meth route, they "dose" you, (with either meth or sub, you need to be at the point of some kind of withdrawal--maybe if it hits you at 4, 6, 10 or 12 or more hours, whenever you start feeling that first hint of w/ds, you take your dose of methadone. At this clinic the first day's dose is 30 mgs. and you hang around a bit after drinking it so they can see how you are doing.

Then you do go in every day for your dose (this clinic's hours are 5 a.m. to noon so you can dose on your way to work). On Saturday when you go in for your dose, you bring in a lock box so they can send Sunday's dose home with you in it. You can earn extra take-home privileges if you go to meetings, have clean UAs, and other things that I'm not sure of. Then they up you 5 mgs. a day each day until you get to 50 mgs., and you stay at that level for 3 days before moving up 5 mgs. again per day until you hit the 10's (by that I mean 60 mgs., 70 mgs, 80, 90 mgs. and so on.) They pretty much rely on your feedback as to what dose you need to be "stabilizes."

This clinic has ex-addict counselors, two nurses who give the dose, a doctor there who will see you for just about anything you need medically, and a director. All the info is private, and they don't even call your name over the intercom...you are assigned a number, so for example, you might hear "123 on the line for so and so." Also all your medical records are secured and private...you are covered by HPPA (sp?--I have a ton of paperwork that would explain more). The only time it's necessary for any other physician to know you're on methadone is if you were to have a surgical procedure done because the meth acts as an opiate blocker, so you would need much more pain control after a surgery than "regular" folks.

That's the best part, though, once you are at the right dose, you can take your oxys or whatever, and you won't feel them...you can't! Your brain receptors won't allow you to feel it. I suppose you could take a bunch just to see, but then the risk of overdose would be very high and you won't even want to try it, really! The beauty of both meth and sub is that once you are at the right dose level, you don't even think about your pills...REALLY! I know it sounds too good to be true, but it really is, it's just a slow process to get to where your dosage of either the meth or sub is at the right amount.

Cost...well, at this clinic, it's the same as you said for the sub, about $500/mth. total, and for some reason it can't be based on a sliding scale like the methadone can. For a low income person, the meth is $180/mth. but getting off opiates via sub is supposed to be a faster way to do it while going the meth route is supposed to take longer. A lot really does depend on how commited you are to getting off the oxys and if you're diligent about working the sub or meth program. And in the end, if you want to not be on anything, you will have to detox off both of them, and I've heard both are different yet the same in some ways...meth is supposed to be more difficult, but then others will say getting off the sub is heck! So I don't know what the end brings.

I wish you the best of luck, and will talk to you again about the other thoughts spinning through your mind. Although you are a college student and I'm a 46 year old user of drugs for 20+ years, with addiction we all have something in common...LOL! Now go and try to put these thoughts out of your head for awhile, take that wonderful romantic vacation, and just know you have all this to think about later when you're back so you don't put yourselves off to a bad start as you head to Bora Bora with your loved one. Then you can come back ready for a new life and a continuation of the "vacation" only of a different kind, okay?! The stress of not wondering when, how, and where you'll get your next batch of oxys alone is enough to relieve soooo much stress, I really want you to know that is also one of the best parts...no more money down the drain, no more "what if I run out" thoughts, it's gone...no more! But it takes a lot of dedication to keep those thoughts at bay, and it's not magic, but it sure feels like it, and that's the part you have to be careful of...

All my best,

Dallas Alice
DJ

Hi there.....I was going to share my personal experience of being on methadone and give you some information to sort through. In reading the posts, Dallas Alice said it all perfectly. I have been on Methadone for a few years, and I know for a fact that it has saved my life. I read your post from the other night and I could relate to that desperation all too well. When I was using, I hated myself for what I had let my life turn into....I had so much to live for....but logic means zip when you are using. It is amazing what we will risk all in the name of the almighty pill. I won't go into my long, boring story right now, but I nearly lost everything I had, and was very close to going to prison. Yes, the little homemaker from the suburbs was in BIG trouble, and my life was all a big lie. The shame, guilt, self-loathing, etc...are all part of addiction, so just know that you are not alone in your thoughts.

All I might add for now about the methadone is that if you are getting ready to leave for vacation, I'm not sure if you could start the methadone before you leave. In the beginning of your treatment, you have to go into the "clinic" every day to dose. I don't think you would be able to receive "take homes" this early in your treatment. It seems that you will have to wait until you get back - but, it doesn't hurt to call and ask. I know you're concerned about your vacation, (isn't that sick when even our vacations are ruled by our supply of pills??) you may want to share this concern with someone at the methadone clinic. They deal with this type of thing every day. I don't know, perhaps they would have an idea for you...just a thought. As far as how methadone treatment works, although each state has minor differences, the clinic I go to is exactly how Dallas Alice described it. And yes, you will be SO elated when you start your methadone and realize that you have all this extra time on your hands. It's really incredible how much time we spend in drug searching, counting pills, planning our calenders according to our supply....you know the game. Just keep in mind....methadone is not a cure for addiction, it is something to facilitate recovery. Once you are stabilized on the methadone, it's important that you work on your recovery. Attend meetings or group therapy, or one on one therapy, whatever you are comfortable with. At my clinic, this "work" on your recovery is a must, a requirement of treatment. I'm getting too far ahead of things......I don't want to give you more than you need right now.

Please, please, know that you are not alone. You are not an awful person, even when you feel like one. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your girlfriend, but sometimes, letting someone into our world of addiction turns out to be a lifesaver. She may be just the support you need right now, don't predict how others will react to your addiction...in doing so, you may be missing out on some much needed support. Try to take things one day at a time.....you will be okay.....really. Post on this board to vent your feelings, and do whatever you need to work toward a life of recovery. I wish you the best....and I know everyone on this board will be pulling for you. Fondly ~ Jen
Hi DJ,

I know what you are feeling. You feel like you are in a prison and are afraid that nobody will understand what you are doing. I was addicted to Hydros and taking around 15 a day ( 10/325). I felt trapped and unable to tell anyone. well what I did is first tell my wife who was more understanding that I thought she would be. Then I went to my doctor and confessed to him what I have been doing. He wasn't shocked but really was the best help I could ever have. He cut me off the Hydros and put me on Clonidine patch which is a high blood pressure medicine. For some reason is will get you through the withdrawls with no symptoms untill all the Opiates are out of your system. They give this to Heroin addictes and as you know you are on the same thing but in pill form and not as powerful. I am now 6 weeks free and never felt better in my whole life. So I know you need to make a decision for yoursel on what you need to do But I am here to tell you the family and your love ones understand.Not only that but your doctor should be a great help also as long as you come clean with him.
i hope this was a little help to you and just wanted to let you know that I understand the panic and fear you have. Hang in there and good luck.

Oh another thing. Methadone is worse to get off thanthe other. It is the only med that stores itself in your bone marrow and the withdrawls are about 5 weeks. This is what I read about so if at all possable stay away from it.

Bart