Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

Hi Katie,

I'm glad you wrote back...I feel like you have some things on your mind that you'd like to toss out to the board for something more, maybe it's simply some understanding and finding others who can relate to your lifestyle. There seem to be a lot of successful, have-it-all members here who still, for whatever reason, are addicted to something. It's pretty amazing the different personalities on here and the varying range of addicts--from the suburban housewife to the chairman of the board. I suppose many, like you, wonder what their careers and financial life would be like if the alcohol and/or drugs hadn't also been in the mix of their lives.

27 years...wow, well you got me beat by about 5! I'm going to be 47 this weekend, and I honestly can't remember my life without some form of drug or alcohol surrounding my activities...pot first thing in the a.m., and then again the last thing at night. I often used it to just come down from the coke or acid or whatever that was keeping me going after 24+ hours! When my connection's connection commited suicide, I was lost without it...OMG, I couldn't sleep at all, it was like losing my longest pal as I'd been smoking since I was 14. I didn't find my drug of choice--pain pills--until I was 1bout 18 and had my wisdom teeth out. Boy, when that first round of opiates hit me (Percodan back then), I knew I'd found my favorite, and it has been in my life in varying degrees ever since. If it hadn't been for the money, I don't know if I would have had the "push" to go for treatment or not, you know? I would like to think my desire was strong enough to want to quit, but I can't honestly say that was it. I do know that the high wasn't there as strongly as it used to be, so really all I was doing was keeping the withdrawals at bay and I think I finally said, ok...I can't be doing this when I'm 60 and 70 (if I was even going to make it to that age), and I can't keep piling up the debt, so I just started methadone 11 weeks ago, and so far, so good--only one relapse and that was at the end of August.

So I am curious about your statement that you have decided not to fight your drug addiction? Like it's just a given that is what you are and that is what you will always be. I know what it feels like to be getting older and finding some parts of life are stuck in another time and place and don't change along with the rest of things. Do you think your chance to quit has passed by or are you interested in quitting? I was pretty adamant that I was living the life I had been dealt, but I guess I'll find out...since I'm here, I might as well try something different because the life of addiction I had created wasn't as much fun as it used to be.

I came here only a couple of months ago and made my first post when I was very close to a suicidal moment, but I held off...I've always found comfort in knowing I can control my destiny that way I think. I thought I was surely doomed to this pill-chasing, money and time consuming addiction forever...you know, like till death do us part? It was my relationship, it was my friend, it was my everything...and I made a point of pushing everyone I knew out of my life so I could be alone with it. I didn't want to hear criticisms or judgments or preaching or any of it...and fortunately, when I posted here, I didn't and I was so relieved. I've been enjoying this place ever since. Sure, you will find those who disagree with some things or feel one form of treatment is better/worse than another, or maybe don't always read between the lines of a person's post...but if you stick around and expose a little bit more of your world so we can get to know what's going on in your life, I think you'll find a pretty understanding group of addicts who aren't shocked by much. Well, I hope you will stay awhile so I can enjoy some "pot" talk at least! Ah, how I loved that stuff...mentally I miss it quite often, but the last time I had a chance to smoke some...I fell asleep within an hour and it wasn't the creative, energizing high it used to be--I had been away from it too long (plus this was some really good stuff!), and there's a huge difference being this age and smoking it and being 20 years younger. One thing about all the drugs I've taken--they do make me feel so very old.

Sorry for digressing, and I'm sorry your mom left you to fend for yourself while you were so young. I bet that had something to do with your attraction to the drinking and other drugs, wouldn't you think? My folks didn't physically leave, but they emotionally left, and I too, was able to party at a very young age and pretty much do what I wanted. I think I read in a post here somewhere that a common theme among drug addicts is that they take drugs to replace something that is missing in their life, and I guess that could be pretty right on when you think about it. I'm glad you aren't alone now, with your marriage and your dad. I bet it is hard taking care of him. It's so weird when the roles between parent and child become reversed. Do you think you will try the morphine again, or did you find out what you wanted to know about it? Just be careful because I really would like to talk with you some more...

Well, gotta go for now, but I wanted to write you back and thank you for replying and tell you that I look forward to getting to know you. I hope we can talk again--I am nobody to disrespect anyone for their situation, their thoughts or their words--we're all the same as far as I am concerned. Oh, but about the impulsiveness of what you did with the morphine, do you think that if you've reached a "point of no return" so to speak with addiction, that you are in a place where you are kind of throwing caution to the wind and doing some potentially dangerous things just to see if you can survive it? I wonder, but I'm still not sure because like I said, that was a very curious post you made.

Take care and talk to you soon, Katie :)

Dallas Alice
Hi Katie,

I hope you are still checking the boards...it has taken me longer than usual to get back to someone, and I'm sorry if you thought I'd forgotten this thread and our conversation. I certainly feel a connection with you and I would never knowingly want to cause anyone a feeling of loss or rejection.

Ever since you asked me about my school years, I've been thinking of them and seeing them anew through my son's eyes. He is 16 and a sophomore in H.S. Seems that the names, music, kinds of drugs, and all that might change but the same thread runs true through the years. He is a straight A student, and he hasn't even missed a day of school since he started 1st grade. He has more awards and trophies than I have room for, and so I look at him and ponder the differences of our youth and have come to the conclusion that, yes, my school years have played a huge role in my turning to drugs. That along with the incestous brother-in-law and a stranger-rape when I was 18. He broke in through an unlocked window, tied me up with electrical cords, and held a knife to my throat as he raped me. He was never caught. I just noticed my heart is pounding as I type this....

Anyway, that was a lifetime ago and if you want to read my first post that tells a bit more about it all, it's back a few months under a thread called "Hard is Life for those who live on for the sake of their loved ones." My school years were awful. Elementary school was in the farm country of S. Dakota. I went to a one-room schoolhouse that had outhouses...I'm serious! In 3rd grade we moved to the city in a different state, and I met the best friends and had the best time, until puberty, drugs and my dad's alcoholism changed it all. By the time I was driving, I had discovered every drug but H, had managed to skip a year of school and graduate at 16, got a job at a restaurant (high aspirations, eh?), and found myself simply drifting...one drug, one drink, one guy, one party, one bed after another. By H.S., I had moved in w/my sister and the visits from my brother-in-law started, so after finally getting out of there, I was faced with the more horrific situation I already wrote about. Then I met a guy who was 12 yrrs. older than me, had a chronic pain problem, and then I had my wisom teeth out and had my first real taste of pain pills, and the rest, as they say...is history. My history, but yet very much like others here I'm sure. My b/f had massive quantities of Percodan, and I was soon hooked. I quit c/t somehow, and even developed the self-discipline to only use them on occasion when they were around in the future. It was only in the last 5 years or so that I allowed my pill use to spiral out of control and only when I couldn't hide from the past, the bills, the reality of life and death, my kids, and myself, did I turn to this board and later, to the methadone that has surely helped me in my quest to turn my life around.

I wonder at you and your desire to analyze, and I wonder if that is a way to soften the blow of the things you've felt and been dealt in this life? I think we tend to intellectualize our feelings rather than just feel them sometimes when we are afraid of what that might bring out in us...those feelings from so long ago, and so deeply and safely covered up and buried long ago. I think with me, those things for whatever reason, have only begun to show their faces to me and I am now in a place where I have no other choice but to look at them again, only through different eyes, and not analyze them anymore but to simply allow myself to feel them and all the icky, depressed, sad, and lonely feelings that will come out as I let them out of the box one by one. Only when I face them and learn whatever it is I need to learn from them will I be free to move on to something new...I hope so anyway as I surely don't want to be stuck either trying to still change the past or still acting and living as if it's my present.

You seem to have a lot of empathy and compassion for people, and I understand that feeling of wanting to be treated the same by others as you know you would treat them. I wonder if sometimes we expect people to know that we are asking for love and respect and an acknowledgment of sorts when we haven't really told them. They only see the face we wear and they don't see what's underneath...like a person covering themselves with cosmetics to change their outward appearance so nobody sees the imperfections and blemishes underneath, we do the same thing but in the words we say and the actions we show, so others don't really get to know the "real us." That's one thing I love about this board, it gives me the opportunity to be my real self, and I have used it to my full advantage. I can write things here that I may never say to a living soul in my life, and it feels so good to get it out of my head...

I hope I will hear from you again, and please let me know how you are doing. I do not think it is yours, or my, lot in life to be unhappy, alone, nor addicted...not if we don't want it. You have so many positives in your life that you seem to enjoy...a life partner, a career, and family to care for, yet I sense you are looking to fill a hole left by something larger, something more than an occupation and a marriage can fill. I am not sure what it is, and we might analyze forever, and still never know! But if analyzing is what you need and want to do in order to get things straight and to remove yourself enough from a situation in order to see it for what it really is and then be able to deal with it accordingly, then that is what we will do! :)

Take care my friend,

Dallas Alice
Hi Katie,

I'm sorry to read about your dad...it is hard to watch someone die, even if it is a person who has hurt us in our lives in some way, it is still watching the end of a life--& in your case, the end of the life of a person who--in part--gave you life. It sounds like you two had a close, yet still somewhat detached, relationship? By that I mean, you shared closeness in your taking care of him and in living quarters, but yet stayed somewhat distant as far as expressing YOUR feelings.

I am so very sorry that you had to endure his concerns about you & your way of life. The way he came across served no purpose other than to give him peace of mind by getting things off his chest...& you, what are you to do with the things he said to you? All you can do is put them aside and realize it was the act of a person dieing, & perhaps they don't deserve the amount of weight you've given them. They were hurtful, horrible things, & I think much more of you than him for not allowing them to come between you when the end of his life was in sight. It was selfish of him, I think, to lay all of that onto his daughter--his caregiver--& then, because of your love for him I suppose, not hear the things you needed to say in response. You did the right thing, though, by taking the high road & remaining silent. I don't think you would have gotten what you were seeking by saying anything about the past...he sounds like he wanted to unburden himself, when in fact, it was you who needed to unburden so you could let go of some of the things that still must haunt you. I say that only because you say you tried to change some of your behaviors after he said those hurtful, mean things to you, so I wonder how much of what he said really made a difference to you. I would think that the best you could do with the things he said would be to sift through it, see if you agree with any of it, & then address it as if it were your own thoughts. It seems if we try to change for someone else, it seldom works.

My experience with death is a long one...I have buried my brother (motorcycle accident when he was 33--I was 25), both of my parents who died 7 weeks apart (mom lung cancer; dad cirrhosis of the liver); my in-laws (mother-in-law ovarian cancer; father-in-law heart attack) & a few boyfriends, friends & employers along the way. The weird thing for me is that after my brother died, I never cried again at the death of a person--not even my parents. My dad was such a mean, brutal man that I actually spit on his grave after everyone had left the cemetary, turned my back & walked away...I've never thought of him in a good light since. I look at my kids and I know it bothers them that they don't have any grandparents, but in a sick sort of way, I am glad they didn't know my folks. These are the people who hurt me most in life, and I'm glad my kids were spared the knowledge of them.

You do know that you are not gutter trash, don't you? Please don't let him have the power to still affect your life; he is gone now, & you are a grown woman who will make her way without him now. I suspect you mourn him & the loss of your routine of caring for him, but I hope you know that the care you gave him was a statement of unconditional love, & maybe he was deserving of it or maybe he wasn't, but either way...you took the high road & I hope you have no regrets over actions not done or words not said before he passed on. I think in your heart of hearts, though, the words "gutter trash" bothered you. I say that because although I have always maintained that I hate my father--when I was raped at age 18 by a man who broke in through an unlocked window, tied me up & held a knife to my throat until he was done...well, of course I had to go back home and heal up some, but after a few weeks my father could no longer stand the sight of his now-tainted daughter, who in his words "should have died rather than LET someone do that to her," so I was kicked out of the house--and I was hurt more by that than the act of the rape. I have tried to analyze till I am paralyzed on that one, but now I just see it for what it was...an act of cruelty that is beyond comprehension. I look at my children and I know the love I feel for them, & I can not begin to imagine treating them that way nor saying the things to them that I heard at their age. My dad was a mean, phsically and verbally abusive alcoholic who damaged his three daughters' emotional well-being, and that is that. There is no other way to see it or express it, and no amount of "well, he had it hard when he was growing up" sentiments eases the blow of the words that a parent can hurl at their children. How he was able to sleep at night I will never know, and I like to think that deep down, he realizes what he did & what he lost by doing it. Sincerely, I am sorry for what you have gone through and for the loss of your parent and all that goes with it, & please know that I understand the pain that comes with harsh words.

So it seems we have more in common than I knew...if you have a 26-yr. old son, you might be getting closer to my age, give or take about 5+ yrs? I'm 47, and my son is 16, and my daughter is 12. I like to think they listen to some of what I say, but I know that they are their own person, and I can only give them love and sanctuary, and the knowledge that, yes, they can always come home. I will love them no matter who they become or what they do, & I have vowed to not say hurtful words because I, like you, know how words can cut a person to the quick. But nobody is perfect, and parenting is a hard job, so I should say I will "try not to say hurtful words!"

I find it interesting that you and I have the commonalty of anonymous bed partners...I could make a list and it would contain things like "guy I met in New York" on it--I couldn't remember his name, or many others, if I had to. I wonder why we did that? I am much different now that I am off the pills and on a program. As I try to learn to love myself (despite my own "gutter-trash" like past existence), I have realized that the gift of my body and my affection is a true gift & not one to be given lightly. I hope to one day have a partner to share life with again, but I will not settle for less again. I am recalling something my father said when I met my now-ex husband...he said I should be quick to marry him because if he (my ex) was willing to have me after what happened to me, then I was lucky to have him. Can you believe that?! Geez, I am not sure I really understood until this moment of writing how much that man has been lurking in my subconscious.

As far as your work, I think if you are the boss then you will know what to do and you will find what works with your employees. If you experience a lot of employee turnover, then maybe a more in-depth look at how you relate to them is in order, but if that is not the case, & you are good to them as far as rewarding them for a job well done, then I say carry on! In reference to swearing, well...I don't know, but if saying the "F" word is really the worse thing that you do, well, maybe that's not a very big deal in the whole scheme of things? If it bothers YOU, then address it--I am fairly sure that is something that you will be able to control & change if you want. I guess my point is once again, if we try to change our actions for anyone but ourselves, then we will most likely fail.

Drinking...I drink, too. I was very happy (and relieved) when I went into the methadone program & they did a liver and kidney enzyme test, to see that my organs were fine! I breathed a sigh of relief & said to myself that I will cut down also. My drink of choice is a vodka & tonic...I suspect you are a martini person--stirred, not shaken (or is the other way around? LOL!) Anyway, I don't think it matters if your father thought you had a drinking problem...it's do you think you have a drinking problem? I thought I was being tested a few yrs. ago when I was put on some antibiotics for 10 days & I couldn't drink alcohol while on them or I'd get sick. I was pleased to find out that it was not difficult at all to go those 10 days without drinking. Does that not make me an alcoholic though? I don't know, but I know that like you, I drink less now than I used to, so I hope that means I have control of the situation rather than it having control over me. I am addressing my addiction to pain pills first by going on the methadone, & next I have begun addressing my 15-yr. use of benzos--I've weaned down from 45 mgs. a day to 15 mgs., so I am okay with where I am. If I find I am drinking more with the pills gone from my life, I will address that then--one thing at a time the meth clinic dr. told me or else I will get overwhelmed trying to change my entire lifestyle! So I am honest with the clinic about everything I take, & it feels good to be honest for the first time with a health professional. You say you're doing pretty good in life despite the drugs & all, but maybe the reality is you ARE doing fine, & changing anything about your life would only make things that much better? I know I am doing better now than before, & I am lucky I didn't lose everything I had, so I am happy every day for my job, my house, & of course, my children. I know what I stand to lose now, & I won't let the pills get in my way again, I hope. But drinking is something I am on the fence about--I really don't know if I have a drinking problem? If I were to take the AA test where if you answer "yes" to 1 or more questions, then you are an alcoholic, I would surely be one! I don't know...that is something to think about another day...

I hope this post finds you doing well, & thank you for being there to listen to me ;).

All my best, friend...