Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

Hi HydroQueen!

Thank you so much for your post, I hope you know how much it means to me that you would say those things. I'm surprised when someone tells me that they've followed my story as I've always thought of myself as nobody special really, and feeling like that about yourself sure seems to play a part in setting the stage and setting a person up for addiction. Funny how our self-esteem issues begin to show themselves so clearly when we begin a recovery plan.

Yes, things have surely turned around for me in the last few months, but my fear of course, is that I won't have the skills or the strength to keep up with it. I just met with my counselor today at the clinic, and he told me to not EVEN start thinking about the end of my treatment. It was a gentle reminder from him that I need to remember that it took me 25 years to get to this point of asking for help, and I am not going to cure myself in a short time nor am I going to be able to just quit the methadone maintenance treatment overnight either. When I am ready, and only then, will I tell them I want to try to get off and start to go down on the meth. I like that approach because it makes me feel like I have control of the situation in a way, you know? Kind of like "we will help you get through the physical & chemical aspect of what taking all those pills did to you, and while you are on MMT, you need to use that time to talk to counselors, go to group mtgs., find your support and do your research, and relearn your way of thinking about things." We talked a long time today, and I finally understand the way my brain was re-wired from my using pain pills for over 20 years so that now my mind has been trained to think that it needs to have those chemicals in me. I have to not be impatient, and I have to trust that they have the experience to deal with this and kind of put myself in their hands, so to speak. Without even a thought, in the past I put myself in the hands of some very dangerous people, so I need to learn to trust and allow myself to believe that this can work--and no matter what happens, anything will be better than the life I was living ("enduring" or "surviving" are probably more accurate terms to describe what I was doing as I certainly wasn't "living" by any means.)

The methadone can only do so much, though, and then the rest is up to me, and that is where I find a lot of comfort and support in this board. I often wonder where I would be if I hadn't finally stopped lurking and broke down and made that first post in what feels like so long ago, but in reality it was a very short time ago. I'm convinced that the understanding and encouragement I rec'd here when I was feeling suicidal and so awful about myself was the catalyst for me to rethink my ways and start thinking that maybe it wasn't my lot in life after all to be an addict, and I still have time to make choices. If a forum like this can do that for a person, than I am just so happy to have found it.

I learned from this place that there is definately strength in numbers and comfort in knowing there are others out there in this world who are going through the same thing and with whom I can share these similar thoughts, feelings and experiences. I've read your posts on here ever since I joined and I must say, you are one heck of a strong, caring woman....just the fact that you would make a thread to tell me that you've followed my progress made me feel so special, I don't know how to quite tell you how much your act of kindness means...but it means a lot! I hope you will give us an update on how you are, and if you have already, please point me in the direction of the thread where I can find it, ok? Sometimes if things get moved further than page 3, I might miss it.

So thank you again for writing to me, HQ. I missed seeing this last night, so what a nice birthday surprise it was to log on today and see it :)! Today I turned 47, and it's the first b'day since I was a teenager (except for the b'day I had during one of my two pregnancies) that I haven't given myself a handful of pills as my present (or going back further to my teens & 20's, some pot or coke or acid or some "whatever," too.) Although I look back on all those past, lost years with regret and an icky what-was-I-doing feeling, at least for now I have hope that there is a new life ahead for me and so far I like what I am seeing very much...



p.s. I miss Michelle, and I don't know about you, but it feels like the last couple of posts she made didn't sound like the "old" Michelle, do you know what I mean? I know you two go way back, and I've wondered if you feel the same. To me, and to Lisaaa, too, we've sensed that there is just a different tone to her words, and I understand depression and the health concerns and that life just keeps us busy, still...it would be a lie to say I don't miss her perkiness and her uplifting words to read on the boards. And if she posts, they don't have to be perky or upbeat words all the time either, I just wish she would let us help her with whatever is on her mind, which is what I told her--and what I'm telling you now--in that other thread. If I recall on that "Michelle, throw us a bone..." thread, I think it wasn't until you posted to her that she finally posted to let us know that she was ok. Maybe you could do some of your HQ magic again and draw her out ;)? I understand, too, that sometimes a person just needs to be alone or needs to be away from the boards for awhile--I've done that myself. (Michelle, if you see this post, please know that I am just worried and wondering about you and if you're really alright...)