Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

Hi Lisa,

Had my kids with me this week, so not much computer time for mom, but before I settle in for the night I wanted to write you as I noticed this thread a few days back.

I feel that if I were able to have quit taking the vikes c/t, I would be doing a cycle a lot like yours...off and on, off and on, and off and on. You have had some very valid reasons for pain relief; however, and I wonder sometimes if you aren't a bit too hard on yourself for using during that time? It always sounds like you are very disciplined when going thru something medical and it never reads like your posts of days gone by when it was binging and splurging and doing the "dr., may I have some more please?" dance that we've all been so guilty of! I don't know, but maybe you aren't really relapsing, maybe you have gained enough self-determination and discipline to be able to use when you need them and not use when you don't? Unless I missed something...but sincerely, you sound so good and you do so much that I think you are like a totally different Lisa then the one I used to read posts from last year :)! I suspect you just want off the merry go round of pills regardless of the medical issues, and that may be why you get PO'd...you need some pain relief, and with the ulcer and stomach issues, well, all valid fingers point to using your scripts as directed and you, in all your "Lisa-stubborness" ;) doesn't want to be told to take this many at this time of the day! You do know what's best for you, though, and what works for you, and that is always something that I loved reading in your posts while I was lurking...like how will Lisa handle it this time?! But truly, you are very different now (for the better) than then, and I think you know that, too. Maybe you could just flash that beautiful smile of yours at yourself sometimes and see things as being okay for now and better than in the past...?

Self-medicating was always a lot more fun for me than taking them "as directed," and by then, for me anyway...one every 4-6 hours was like taking a couple of tylenol when I was feeling good! To truly touch any kind of real physical pain, it would easily take 3 of the 10s every couple of hours. That's one of the things that concerns me about being on the methadone...if I have a medical procedure or have any real pain issues get worse, then the meth clinic doc has to write a letter to my primary doc (or surgeon or whoever) that I am on methadone and will require much more of whatever for pain relief. And another thing about that is I really don't want my family dr. to find out about this as he's been my dr. for 17 yrs. and was one of the ones who was giving me vikes (50/mth). I rec'd a note from his office that he would like to see me to go over my meds (it's routine, we did that about once a year before) but I don't EVEN want to see him as I've gone down to one benzo a day from 3, and 0 vikes from a couple a day (from him anyway), so I don't know how to approach it other than to say that truthfully I am trying to get off of them and just leave out the part about having to use a methadone clinic in order to do so as I wasn't taking just 50/mth, I was taking 3-500 a month!!! Yikes, it spooks me just to type and read that...

Well, I just really wanted to say hi, and that maybe you could say to yourself that you are way better now than before and for now and for you, that is okay, too. I could never have been as disciplined as you and have done it without the aid of something else, whether it was this meth or sub or detox or something, but never c/t or a taper or even taking them as prescribed, so my hat is off to you once again...

Lynne...I am so sorry to hear about your foot holding you hostage! I guess it is a good thing that you have the kind of personality where being home doesn't bother you all that much, yet I'm sure some cabin fever has set in to some degree. I understand about the fall...it is so beautiful here, and today my kids and I drove out to the forest for ice cream outside...upper 60's, sunny and blue sky, and pine trees and yellow aspens all around. I am teaching my son to drive, and he drove the whole 25 miles! It was a lot of fun. Now that he's the driver, he can rule the radio, so I got to hear a lot of the music they listen to, and you know what? Some of it isn't half bad if you really, really listen close--it's kind of funny because to me, it sounds mostly like just a variation of Motown and disco with some cuss words thrown in for shock value! It was his H.S. homecoming this weekend...so there was truly an autumn feel in the air. I have to admit that while I was sitting outside his school last night at midnight waiting to pick him up, I was watching all the girls all dressed up in their heels and long dresses and corsages and I had to flash on my homecoming circa 1972, and I couldn't help but look at those fresh young faces and the cute boys with the cute girls and wonder what in the heck was wrong with me that made me want to be what I became...a drug addict? These kids have the whole world and their whole lives in front of them and I felt such a hint of melancholy at my regret over time not well spent and time lost. But I guess I have to just hang on to this new life I am trying to make for myself now and see if good things come to those who change...

I am very happy for you and your decision to go on the sub! I hope to hear you write more about that soon. Will twin Alice be doing the same? You two could do it together and how great to have that support and help from someone so close. Whatever you chose and however you chose to do it, just know that I am always on your side, okay? You have always been there for me with tons of encouragement and positive feedback and total understanding, and I would love to be able to give some of that back. I don't know if you and your sis really know how much help and how big a role you had in my quitting the vikes and going to the clinic...I hope you do, because you did.

With all my love and much respect, take care Lisa and Lynn, and please know that it is people like you and stories like yours that drew me in to this board and then further in to the point where I finally reached out even more for the help I knew I needed but didn't know how to get. You all do so much, yet sometimes I think you don't realize that you do anything at all...and for that I love you the most. And so my gal pals, for what it's worth, you've got a friend in me.

Dallas Alice

p.s. Lisa, yes I had a cervical conization done in 1986 (the day after Xmas), and I'd talk to you about it anytime. Fortunately the surgery got all the cancer and I never had to do anymore treatment as I had clean borders. Sometimes they do the cone biopsy as a more radical way to treat the pre-cancerous cells as well rather than the cryosurgery and laser options. Let me know what's going on, okay?