Discussions that mention methadone

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Dallas Alice! :-)

I, too, hope so much you've been okay. Better than "okay"--I hope you've been GREAT! :-) I know you have problems fighting for your computer time :-) but it seems a long time since you wrote...and I worry about you.

How are things working out with the Methadone? Have you found just the right dose, yet? Well...listen to this....you may be interested to hear that starting yesterday, I began calling around for Suboxone doctors for Alice and I. (Haven't heard back, yet, but will phone a couple more today.) Yes......after all these years....Alice and I are trying so hard to stop. We've been just miserable....unable to do a thing, but hide out. I am so lucky that this foot injury allowed me all this time off. Because I have just reached the point where I can't seem to do anything, except care for my dogs (one of whom had a terrible heart episode several weeks ago, but is better now.) Alice and I have just finally come to the point where we feel paralized by life. So....we just hope and pray we will find a Sub doctor who can help us.

I want to hear all about how you've been....good and bad! :-) Been on any wild and crazy shopping sprees, recently? LOL! The way I am feeling right now, the entire holiday season is going to pass me right by and I'm going to barely notice it!!! It is so strange to know that the streets of NY are filled with beautifully lit trees and such imaginatively decorated store windows...and Christmas carols playing all over. Free concerts and holiday markets are everywhere. But....I am just indoors....so much not part of it..or able to "feel" any of its spirit. I really need this help soon.

Please write soon and let me know you're okay! I luv ya...and wish you all the joys of the holiday season...and all that stuff! :-)

Take care, xxxx Lynn :-)
Hi Katie!

I've missed you, too. Thank you for thinking of me and writing me this new thread. I thought your original thread of "Analyze this..." had been pushed back to like page 10 or something by now, but I just saw it above and see your initial post and our subsequent conversations have generated over 1,600 views along with 28 posts! Now analyze that :)! I remember when I read that first post of yours and saw the one short reply you had received and I decided to chime in to find out what was really going on with you that you seemed to want to talk about, and I was hoping we'd 'click,' and I think we really did, didn't we? So, no...a hundred times "no," you have never said anything to upset me. But then I go and do something to cause you to think that, and for that I am truly very sorry. I apologize for leaving that thread hanging as the posting turn was in my court, and I can only say that I'm sorry to see that I am doing things in cyber life that I tend to do in "real life," which is what my sister means when she calls and leaves me the message, "Dallas, you've dropped out again, where and how are you?!" I don't know why I do that, and it's one of the things I need to work on because it is never anything personal, but I can see why my sister thinks so and why others, like you, might have thought that as well. It is certainly a flaw that I would like to analyze ;), and stop doing.

I think when I get lonely, I tend to have a mindset on the lines of "oh well, nobody really would want to talk to me now anyway..." kind of a solo sorrow party thing. I am afraid I will come across as sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself or like I might be on the verge of relapsing or maybe I'm not worthy of even cyber conversation and support. All of those things are true, though, I am lonely, I am on the verge of relapsing, and I am feeling quite unworthy as of late. Surely it's this time of year, also. Along with Twin Lynn, I have no holiday spirit in me right now, and no interest in the decorations, bells, buttons and bows. In an attempt to not be a seasonal downer, in my twisted thinking right now, I thought I might just do you all a favor and "drop out" for awhile rather than cloud up anyone's good thoughts. But then I remember how good it felt to click with you, Katie, and how your words often were enough to change my focus and shift my day around to being a better one. Same can be said for the good folks in Lynn, Sara and Christianmom, who like you Katie, despite their own current wars right now, still reach out and ask me where I am and hope that I am okay. Sometimes I forget the true meaning and spirit of this board, also, which is support. So here I am asking for it again...

Do you think "down" thoughts are intensified by the season ladies? Do you all find this time of year a bit more difficult? With the money factor, the commercialism of it all, the anniversary of my brother's death coming up on 12/16, I tell you, if I see or hear one more "perfect family" setting commercial...you know the one...the perfectly intact extended family all sitting around the perfectly decorated 10' tree opening what on the outside is the perfectly wrapped on the inside perfectly chosen present smiling with their perfectly white teeth as the non-drooling, and ever-so-graceful golden retriever gently wags around licking the perfectly clean and shiny faces children's...YIKES, the scene is almost as bad as my writing! I wish they'd show a real commercial, you know? But I suppose the drug addicted, single mother who is either downing her methadone, dissolving a suboxone tablet, or waiting for the pain pills or speed or whatever the drug of the day is to kick in before opening the scarce presents and the kids saying "that's ok, mom, we understand," while the guilt of the past drug-money spent kills her inside when she thinks of what she could have done with it all now, and while the smell of the credit-card purchased dinner is cooking, and all thoughts are on the ghosts of the holidays past, present and future rather than on the moment. I do want to change things this year...it's the first Christmas where every activity won't include drugs, and I keep thinking that in itself is enough to make it better...now I just have to believe it strongly enough to feel it. I don't know what to do, my friends...this is becoming much harder than I thought it would be when magnified by the month of December.

Please bear (or is bare? Geez, my linguistic skills are leaving me also!) with me and I'd love to hear back from you as to how you all deal with Christmas, and the money, and all the rest of it. I have to be honest to all of you, visions of vicodins have been dancing in my head lately, but I am holding on...problem is I'm not sure if I'm holding on because my next UA is probably right around the corner, or if it's because I'm really still trying to keep with the program. Lynn, to answer your question on the meth, yes, I've been stabilized at this dose (110 mgs/day) for about the last 2 months. They were upping me 5 mgs. a day, and I thought I had reached it at 100 mgs., but then what a difference those 10 extra mgs. made! So there are no physical cravings, but a lot of mental ones and more flashbacks to the days when the pills worked, shopping was fun, and the money didn't matter...you know, when my thinking was all messed up?! But for whatever reason I'm remembering it as if it held fond memories rather than remembering it the way it really was...a horrible feeling of suicide and sadness that had no definition, and no income but a lot of output, and so many holidays that I don't even remember the feelings or emotions of the day, but I do remember the pills and exactly how many I took and when...

Oh well, I think reality of this time of year is hard on a lot of people, and not just addicts, and I think if I could extend myself to someone rather than wallow, I would feel that feeling I've been missing, and I really need to see my kids...

Katie, once again, thank you for calling me out, and I wish I could have been more uplifting, but I have been needing to pour this out to someone, and it seemed karmatic that I scrolled down far enough to see this thread, and so by virtue of your thoughtfulness and your understanding, I dropped this on you. I hope you don't mind, and I am anxious and hopeful to hear back from you and hear your analyzing on this post! I sincerely do want to know how you are as I know this will be your first Christmas without your father, and I wonder how you will be with that. I hope this post does find you doing well, and I am very happy to see that your original thread is alive and well and generating more input from others...who'd have thought?!

Keep in touch with me now, okay? With much affection, my friend...

Dallas

p.s. GGrl, and CMom, I caught up with you on our twin's thread about her life-altering decision...what a great gift to give to one's self! CMom, I have some other things to share with you in reference to your post on the intestinal/stomach/bowel issues, so will have to get back on in a bit as my fingers are numb! Thanks to you all for your thoughts. I do think of you all so often...I need you to know that.