Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

Im not sure how i got here again, its like a sick, twisted deja vu, im noy even sure why i am posting here, like many the need to vent and talk about problems, while still keeping the secret from the world, helps, My story is much like any other person on here, one of a life of addiction.

My story starts at 13, back then i took heroin to fit in, everyone was doing it, and i was far to young to truely understand what i was getting into, and even if i had, i wouldnt of cared! by the time i was 19 i had nothing but the cloths on my back, i was homeless, jobless, and everyone i cared about had turned their back on me, or at least thats how you feel. I made a conscious decision to end the addiction, by now i was hooked on crack, heroin, methadone and benzo's. But you get through it, you find something to fill that void, i turned to music and spent the next 7 years living a somewhat normal life, ok so i still took drugs, but it was limited to weed, the ocassional line of coke, not like this... At least you kid yourself that its all under control, but all it takes is one thing, and you fall back into the trap.

It started when i split with my long term partner last year, i dont really know how it happened, i dont even remeber when the first time i took heroin again was now. Its all such a blur, you start off having a few lines, you enjoy it, you feel good, your in control, you could never go back to how it was before, you know better, you are better, yet here i am one year later with what i see now as a problem.

Im not as bad as i was (their we go again), but im injecting again, something i told myself i would never do again, crack has showed its ugly head again and i can see where this will lead, and i know myself i have to break the cycle. Am i truely ready? the drugs hold such passion with me still, to say im in love again is an understatment, but i know that its one sided, the drugs will never love me as much as i love them, they wont treat me right,make sure im ok in life, if anything they will suck the life right out of me. Im already loosing intrest in all the things ive began to enjoy being clean, i can almost see the pattern, and i know i have to stop now, but it nags at me, constant, without it i feel empty, sure im on prescription substitutes, the almighty subutex, but is not a solution, its just a way of saying its under control, im "stable", but yet i use on top, constantly, its getting better, im not using daily right now, but who am i kidding, im not in control, i never was..

A cry for help? only i can help myself, only i can break the cycle.....

I know the answers, they go round and round in my head, over and over, its like you can see yourself, but you cant stop yourself. But i realise now i need help, im ashamed to admit it, you feel like you have let yourself down, but the biggest lie is to think im in control.. I never was...