Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but my situation is very, very difficult (above & beyond the norm) and will take some space to describe. With the exception of a few years scattered here and there, I have been using or abusing something for more than half my life. I've been around the block with just about every drug you can think of. Now I have a serious problem with fentanyl. It is prescribed for me for chronic pain (which by the way is legitimate), but I abuse it all the time. Also morphine. To give you an idea of what I'm into, where the fentanyl patch comes in doses of micrograms, I have used as much as ten miligrams at a time without it killing me. Periodically I end up in withdrawl because I have run out and can't refill my prescription yet. I have been on methadone in the past, and do not want to do it again.

I also have PTSD. I was abused in every possible way as a child and teen, and it was my abuser who started me using drugs (as a means of control.) I also have serious problems with major depression, something that I do not remember a time without.

To complicate matters, my husband of 15 years is unaware of this. And he has made it painfully clear in the past that if I repeated past offenses (ie, drug abuse) that he will leave. So telling him is out of the question. My doctor obviously trusts me and I do not want to tell her that I have betrayed that trust. I think I'd rather eat a bullet.

I've been through inpatient treatment multiple times in the past, and it has helped me not at all. I've also given 12-step groups an honest try more than once, but have some major issues with that approach.

Remarkably, all these years of drug addiction has not kept me from achieving things. I just (this month) graduated with my second degree (in biology; the other is in art) and was named our department's outstanding biology graduate, something that almost always goes to a pre-med major. My intent is to find a good PhD program in marine ecology.

All of which leaves me - where? I have a chronic pain problem but abuse my medication. I am comletely isolated, cannot come clean with my husband, and am beginning to believe that there really is no way that I will ever have a life worthy of the name, in spite of the genuinely positive aspects of it.

So - any thoughts? I'd much appreciate it. Thanks.