Discussions that mention methadone

Addiction & Recovery board

Everyonce in a while I have to come back to this and read....I was a complete junkie that started with pills and wound up a herion addict/ sometimes smoked crack when I was on methadone to drinking to come down off the crack.

I am 32 in a wk. I have been clean for over six years. If you would have asked me if that were possible six years ago I truely had given up and did not know if that dragon inside me would ever actually leave.

I came from an upper class neighborhood and was rebelious with the skaters...pot, mushrooms, concerts, acid...then a little coke up the nose and a little ex up the nose or by pill to trying one more little substance up the nose like coke and it was herion. Ummm I loved it from the first moment I tried it.

Ate pills while getting some for some friends (selling them I know now)...loved the opiates. No big deal only a pill

Well all the sudden the morphine pills turned into herion...I became a full out junkie that would steal from anyone that I did not hang out with daily. Did not care either. I ruined my credit at an early age.

I stole from my family numerous times. I had thier support numerous times when I felt I could not go to rehab with out thier support...which meant could they cover me and my bills while I was there because I was backed up against the wall.

I went to rehab everytime I had enough people pissed at me and my family really upset with me. It always calmed everyone down. At first I had good intentions...I prayed and got into the meetings ect. I really did want God to take away my addiction. He just did not...so I always left early.

Finally the family had had enough...I was on my own and met a guy that was in the same boat as I. We were trying to get it together on methadone and stop doing dumb stuff.....like running and chasing drugs and money for drugs daily.

We ran together and loved one another dearly. We got kicked out after enough crazy episodes over drugs at his and my parent's houses. We lived in the car for a while in Chicago and it was cold...but hey when that car started to brake down we made sure it was in the ghetto....needed drugs.

Found another place to live...got kicked out and finally had got caught stealing enough that I had a no bond warrant out for not appearing in court...and a dui not appearing...because I was out chasing drungs.

He left me and I ran with one of his friends for a little while. I finally got caught and I can not tell you the relief I felt. After a million rehabs and trying over and over again to stop I had no self will or choice left in me and gave up trying. I was happy to be in jail. I knew I belonged there. I went through c/t w/d off of 200mgs of methadone and a lot of crack and a pint of liquor a day. You want to talk with drawls...wow...never felt one of those. It took a long time to sleep....a month...and when I did I could not stop sleeping or eating when I was awake. I knew it was my poor body taking what it needed to repair itself which only told me how truely f ed up I was.
I was tired for months and hungry.

I finally decided after feeling that way that I would not only committ myself to a thirty day rehab but as long as it took...ninety and then even a half way recovery house and then even the next stage. I did not care I just knew that I did not want what I came from.

I went to the rehab and got some better and then to the half way house and started to become some what productive and started to lose the eighty pounds I gained and get some energy back...and then that guy I loved would not get out of my mind...I just had to see him....well with in a month .....back to the dope. with in a four month period back to jail and this time pregnant.

I knew it...I had a plan to take off to my mom's and get an abortion. This would have been our second child...one miscarriage..did not even know I was prego...and now because I had been on drugs pregnant I could not do that to a child. However one thing I knew the hole relapse is I did not want to do that anymore and knew I could do something different.

Went to jail, went to work release, saved money and worked my butt off....he did the same but for about a year and a half longer than I. I had nothing...I got an apartment and some how randomly people had stuff they were trying to get rid of and I had an apartment full of stuff. So weird. I had nothing. I had no license but I had my legs and they got me to work to eat and have a place to live. I became mg. and got great oppurtunities and was always the most responsible employee where ever I worked.

He got out and we got back together. We loved the new us still weirdly enough. We worked really hard with no credit and finally after a year of fighting and classes I got my driver's license back...and we got a place with nice stuff....and we had a beautiful baby boy. And you know what...he was so healthy and so pretty...and I was so scared that karma was going to bite me in the butt.

He is three now. We started off small and did crappy credit cards and with in a year of having him we moved to Kentucky where we had always wanted to and bough ourselves a house...and not just a house but a four bedroom three bath house with an acre in a very safe and peacful neighborhood with good schools. My husband has progressed at this point from a mechanic at any old shop (with five felonies) to the one and only and first north american tech for these big wig german dudes.

We do not go to mgs. We both have at some point a long time ago. I do believe the promises. The best part about all of this is that we worked and fought for what we have and it is ours baby. And anyone we knew in our using days would have never in a million years picked us to be the ones that would have gotten it together the way we have.

It was slow...but it happened ...and let me tell you it happened a lot faster than I ever expected. I never thought three years after I got sober I would own my own house and have a driver's license and be able to pay for a car that cost more than a grand cash. I am responsible and so is he and we are good parents. More over we are really good people because of it and I can't say I am ashamed anymore, or embaressed. You are that way for a long time and at some point you decide in your recovery to forgive yourself because you are sick of not forgiving yourself. And no one else's forgiveness matters more than yourown because you won't feel it anyway untill you decide you are not a piece of crap anymore...why because you have proved it to yourself

you are the only person you have to go out there and prove it to....dont' make promises....do what you can.....slowly regain your own confidence with in yourself. The rest will follow and by that i mean everyone and everything and those who don't your confidence will beat in time. Good luck to you all. Sorry....I just have to say it out loud sometimes. I have to remind myself. I guess I could write a list. Maybe someone wants to read my crap....there is a time where that is it...no more exuses .....now or never....all or nothing.....be homeless, familyless, and die or put the time in to get better. There is no short cuts and there is not easy fix. I hate that but it is so freaking true. If you are a short cut person you probably have been that way your hole life....has it ever truely worked for you?