Discussions that mention methadone

Hello to everyone! I am a new-comer to this site. I'm so glad I finally found a site where I can vent my frustrations and possible get some feedback as well. I have been a herion addict for approximately 10 years. The funny thing is I never really did drugs, drank or smoke up until that point in my life. A so called friend of mine had me try a bag of herion one weekend and as they say I was "off to the races". I couldn't describe the feeling I got when I did the bag, it made me feel 100% whole, I always felt something was missing in my life. My friend never explained to me that I would get addicted to this wonderful new drug that enabled me to do anything I knew I could do, but was afraid to do. Needless to say, I have lost just about everything in my life (home, car, money, friends, family) due to this so called wonderful drug. I recently had a son, although I stayed clean while I was pregnant, once I had the baby I started right back, and as far I can tell, for no good reason. I believe it was just force of habit. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes and forget about it if I come into a nice sum of money, I really don't know what to do. Even though I know herion will bring me back to the gutter, I still remarkable find myself at the cop spot.

Believe me when the 12-Step Programs say "never say never" it's true. I remember saying I would never do this or never do that. I would never allow myself to get that strung out on herion. Well I'm here to tell you alot of my I NEVERS came true. Herion had me sleeping in abandoned buildings and eating out of garbage cans, but I didn't seem to mind as long as I had my wakeup bag.

Currently, I'm on a 6-month detox methadone program. So far it seems to be helping me. I recently signed up to go back to a technical school to try and get my life back, for myself and my 2-year old son, and most days are OK, but once in a while (like once a month) I find myself at the cop spot again.

Could someone please tell me I'm not crazy. Why do I continue to try and kill myself even when everything seems to be going fine.


[This message has been edited by Darlene Smallfence (edited 05-09-2002).]

[quote]Could someone please tell me I'm not crazy. Why do I continue to try and kill myself even when everything seems to be going fine.

I commend you for trying to get clean and getting your life back on track. I have never had an addiction problem, although i have used almost every drug available... i did heroine twice, first time felt good, but the second time felt toooooo good, and knew that would ruin my life.

You're on the right track... not only for you, but for your son. You won't be destroying your life if you fall back into the gutter, but you'll be destroying his as well. The fact that you were able to stop your usage while you were pregnant shows you are more committed to your son than you are to junk... just don't lose sight of that.

I just need to ask you, how is the methadone program going? I have known dozens of people who have gone on methadone, and not a single one has successfully kicked their addiction with it... but then they were forced into the programs, and they weren't as motivated as you.

Anyways, i hope you're doing well... and hope to see more of your posts on here.

I think that it is good that you are on a methadone program. I know that the withdrawal is just the same, if not worse, then heroin, but I believe that being on methadone helps a person learn to live a drug free life again. So many people think that if you get the drugs out of your system, then you will be fine. The fact is that the "getting" of the drug is just a big a part of it as anything else. My boyfriend shoots heroin, and he has told me that the actual needle addiction is hard to break too. I think that methadone gives you the time you need to live a "normal" every day life without constantly trying to score. You learn again what it's like to say your going to the grocery store, and actually GO to the grocery store. (know what I mean?) Sure it's hard to come off, but a medical supervised detox is what you will need. The physcial part of heroin addiction is big, but the mental, this is what I am used to doing every day thing, is hard too. Once you have the desire to quit, that is the first step. Learn to LIVE without the drug, then your free.

Sorry I took so long to reply to your heartfelt messages regarding my posting. I seem to never have enough time in the day to accomplish all that I want to. Since I've enrolled in school, homework and such have really kept me busy (which is a good thing).

Regarding the methadone program, all goes well so far! This particular program is a 6-month detoxification, they wanted to put me on methadone maintenance, but I don't really want to just replace one drug with another. A lot of people have told me not to go on maintenance, because if I do I will never get off.

In the past I have tried shorter detox times, and everything seems to go well at first, then for one reason or another I go back to the drugs. I figured this time I would try something different. I enrolled in school to keep myself busy (and enable myself to get a good job) and I have been trying to get the "mental" addiction under control. Physically I always seem to do just fine, but where the mental part is concerned, I always have trouble.

Do you have any suggestions or ways you have changed your "mental picture" of yourself. I need to learn to love myself more. My counselor has told me that although I initially started this process for my son, I need to finish it for myself; otherwise, it will not work. Why is is so hard to love oneself? Maybe it's years of low self-esteem and feeling that I'm not love worthy.

Now I understand why, when you go to detoxs inside hospitals, the detox unit is always right near or right in the mental ward.

I truly appreciate all of your responses, they have really given me alot of hope that I'm not alone in this and that it can be done. Please continue to respond with any suggestions you may see fit to my situation.