Discussions that mention morphine

Addiction & Recovery board

Hey, Jenny. I have been exactly where you are right now - the coliky baby and all. I know how hard that can be - sometimes the only thing that put my youngest to sleep was putting her in her swing, which at the time meant me getting up every 15 minutes to crank the stupid thing up. It doesn't make for a good nights sleep at all. My hubby actually broke two rocking chairs in her first year trying to rock her to sleep. He wore them them right out. As far as the pills go - the people here have really good advice. Please, take it now before it goes any farther. I remember when I first started taking vicodins after a trip to the dentist - I was in college at the time, working, and trying to take care of three kids. I found that if I took a couple of the pills that I could study all night and just get so much done. Anyway, that went on for about 6 months and my husband was getting them from the doctor for his back so we had a pretty steady supply of pills coming in and at the time I could take 2, 3 or 4 pills and I would be great all day long. But, it doesn't take long before 2 pills don't do it for you anymore and pretty soon you have to take 3 and than 4, than 5 just to get the same effect that you used to get from 2. Before you know it you're taking 15, 20 pills at a time and it just gets worse and worse until it totally consumes you. I am so completely not discounting what you are going through right now because I know - for the first year or so I would take maybe 4 or 5 pills a time and if I didn't have them I was sick and I felt like I was going to die if I didn't have them and I would lay in my bed and just cry. That's why I really think that there should be way more warnings on those things when they are prescribed because honestly even when you take them as they are prescribed you will not feel good when you stop taking them. Not only that but the mental part of it is horrible too - the depression and the crazy thoughts that go through your head when you don't have them and when you do have them, I guess because you are not rational than either. Please, please trust me that it WILL get worse if you don't stop now. I can't tell you how many times I went through the w/d's and every time I promised myself that if I got through this time I would never, ever touch another vicodin again in my life and for the first year or so I could make myself quit for a few weeks at a time and sometimes even months and than one day out of nowhere I would get that thought in my head that it would be nice to have that buzz and that was all it took. . . I was right back to them. My husband and I were both on them and we'd get high together and than we'd get sick together and pretty soon we were lying to each other about what we were doing sometimes just so we could keep more pills for ourselves. We would have fights over who got the last pills and on and on. It takes complete control of everything you do and you find yourself not being able to go to sleep at night without making sure that you will have enough pills to get you through the next day. You go to sleep thinking about it. You wake up thinking about it and to tell you the truth you might think that you are getting so much done when you are on them but in reality you're really not - I know I wasn't anyway. You do crazy **** - I remember one night- after taking about 20 lortabs in a day - being outside in the rain after dark planting flowers and I didn't stop because I just had to get it done and when I look back I know that people had to be thinking what in the hell is she doing, you know? The rest of my house was completely trashed because I had spent ALL day on those flowers - but I really thought that I was doing something. It was stupid. I would go to school functions for my kids just as high as I could be and at the time I really thought that I had it all together and that I was functioning normally - but, you know what? Now, it's all kind of a fog and I really don't remember it all that well. I really do regret not seeing my oldest daughter in her play at the youth theatre while I was sober. . .because that wasn't me there, you know. I was always there for my kids, but I really wasn't -does that make sense? I'm sorry for making this such a long post but your story really touched me because it reminded me of myself. I wish that someone would have told me to stop way back than - I had no idea what I was getting myself into. . . I didn't even know that they were opiates. I thought opaites was heroin and just heroin and maybe morphine. I really didn't know and do not ever think that taking the pills can't lead to other things because it can and it does in a lot of cases. One day you are taking vicodin or lortabs and before you know it somebody comes along with something bigger and better - oxy's. The first time I took one of those I was kind of scared but before you know it you love that too and your taking handfuls at a time and than one day when you're really sick and nobody has any pills one of your so called friends come along and they hand you some heroin and they say take this and you won't be sick anymore - its pretty much like taking the pills but stronger they tell you. Well, by that time you're so sick you're about willing to try anything - I had all ready snorted up the pills anyway so I could feel them faster - so, what the hell - it can't be that bad even though I saw what it was doing to my husband because he had all ready been using heroin at that point and I saw how quick it was taking him down and I hated it. But, all I could think about at that moment was I didn't want to feel sick anymore and I did it. It was the one thing I promised myself I would never do no matter what and I did it again and again and again and I still did the pills too. I wasn't super mom anymore. I was just another junkie and that was something I thought that I could never, ever be. I have been through a lot in life, I've been hurt in many ways, I lived through ten years of physical and mental abuse with my two oldest children's dad, I got remarried and had another baby and for a while I thought life was going to be okay but he was an alcoholic and than we both got on the pills, He is in prison now - he's doing 8 years because of his addiction and Im raising three kids by myself, He's clean now, he's been gone about 2 and a half years. I still love him. They have him so far away that we never get to see him and it still hurts and I still cry myself to sleep a lot of nights because its hard - I'm in a methadone program because I couldn't seem to quit the pills and the heroin any other way and I feel like Im never going to get out of there. I work and I go to school and I will have my teaching degree in May of next year. Somedays I feel like Im going to be okay and other days Im not so sure. A lot of times I still feel like just giving up - but, I love my kids and I know they need me so I can't do that. I am all they have so I have to stay together, if not for me, than for them but even now almost three years later I still feel myself slipping sometimes. I really want to be completely clean . . .no meth or anything but Im scared and I don't know if I ever will be. But, I want to be. It still consumes me and I still think about getting high - after everything I have been through. I wish that I had never seen a vicodin. I'm not saying that all this happens to everyone but it can. Nobody wakes up one morning and just decides to be an addict...and it is never too late to stop...but the longer it goes the harder it is. I'm really sorry that I went on and on. . .I think I am writing all this mostly for myself, but if my experience can help you or someone else to not go down the same road than that is cool too. Hang in there, try to get a support system and get off now and you will be okay. It sounds like Phil can probably help you to set up a taper that will work for you. There are a lot of real nice people here. I'll be thinking about you