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i finally have the nerve to write something on the board..i tried anonymously to seek answers within the board but i have only had an explosion of questions myself..here is my story

04aug99 as a soldier on a deployment i had a hydrolic door compressor fall on my head and the actual door fell on my back--i do not remember any of it and only remember waking up in the hospital. i was informed that i had had a closed head wound and that thank god i have a "hard head". after a couple of days hours in the hospital i was sent home on convelescent leave. on my follow up i told the doctor that i had problems with balance, headaches, fatigue, movement in right my hand, overall back pain, and i was getting moody. the doctor told me that i needed a couple of weeks to get over the accident. i returned a month later with the same symptoms and more. he diagnosed me with post concussion syndrome and a pinch nerve in my cervical spine and a herniated disc in my lumbar. i was immediately place on light duty and required to attend 6 months of intensive physical and occupational therapy--which i believe mad me worse--after the treatment i was told that i was no longer fit for duty and was discharged with 80% disability. this was a major shock for i had a wife, child, newborn, mortgage payment, two car payments and NO JOB. my wife got a job but we eventually exhausted our savings and had to move in with my parents. luckily in 2000 i was granted total and permanent disability status thru the Veterans Affairs becuase i could not achieve gainful employment. and in 2001 luck struck again when my wife got a better job making more money so we eventually bought another house to live in while we rented the other one. but my condition began to worsen and my wife began to miss work taking care of me and taking me to the hospital. the VA doctors authorized more test becuase i demanded to know what was wrong with me-after numerous MRIs CTs X-rays they found nothing to explain to me why i feel so much pain. i had an eeg done and it stated the brain waves in the region where i was stuck on the head are not working properly. again this did not explain the pain and sense of hopelessness that i have been going thru these last 3 years. the VA finally enrolled me into the neurologists that gave me a consult to the pain clinic and mental health. the people in mental health are telling me that i am a manic depressive and the pain clinic still dont know whats wrong with me and are giving me morphine for the pain. this past month i have had 2 epidural spine injections and now i have pain or numbness in my feet.

i have no insurance and to make matters my wife is being fired for to many missed days at work. it seems that with all my medication (well for me it is alot because i have never neede medicine) it is not helping. i am taking 600 mg methocarbomal, 90 mg of morphine, 500 mg diclofenac and 800 mg motrin for the pain. and my psych meds are depakote ??mg and celexa 60 mg.

no one at the va can pinpoint whats wrong with me i have told them that my physical symptoms are simple--i have constant pain in the back of my head (rather on the back of my head), constant neck pain, upper and lower back pain, my back swells when i stand for more than 15 minutes or when i sit for more than 45 minutes, i am always tired and sometimes i can sleep for days or i can stay awake for days, my knees constantly hurt and the inside of my hips swell similar to my back

as for my mental state that is a different issue that i am scared to talk about am not homicidal or suicidal(in a couple of months) but i am either constantly sad or constantly angry. i dont know why this has happened to me it is not fair--these last couple of months i have been thinking things that scare me- thought that i can not get out of my head---i think i dont deserve certain "things" i dont want to harm anyone but i blame myself for the suffering i have put my family thru--if i wasnt around i think things would work out for the best--dont worry i ahve had the "it is not worth it" speech from the people at the 1-800-SUICIDE. i just feel so worthless.

where did that come from?? sorry got carried away writing..... i know i am reaching out for help. that is one positive thing i can say about myself-years of cognitive therapy have made me realize when to be honest with myself and how to improve but i dont know why i cant take action on it---i didnt mean to focus on my emotional state--i just feel that if my "physical" symptoms can be treated i could feel better about myself. if any of my physical symptoms sound familiar to anybody reading this please help me for i am got in the government's handling of medical patients-get them in as quick as you can so that you can get them out quicker--the VA hospital has never given me real anwsers or advice on my condition-maybe someone reading this can