[B]MESSAGES TO CHEF AND TO TOBIAS
Chef - 60 degrees in Florida, eh, Chef?? As a New Yorker, I say "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!" :D (Whichever kitchen you are currently cooking in. Do you have a restaurant? Have you ever read the Chowhound site produced by "Big Dog?--it's great. Or the E-Gullet site?) My younger sister lives in Florida--she refuses to understand that with my body temperature--any temp over 70 degrees drives me to seek refrigeration storage. "It's freezing here," she says when the temps plummet down to 60 there. I just sigh. I'm a January baby and like the cold--but our earlier 1 degre here in New York was pushing it. Anyway, it's up to 9 degrees now (though still freezing in my apt), so I've removed the ski suit and replaced it with a thick fleece jacket.
Congratulations on reaching your 400th post! Your journey back to health must have tested every ounce of you. I have to check out your earlier posts--only read the last couple of months. By the way--my cousin's pill is not Ativan...it's a morphine based time-release capsule--very new I'm told. And I did find it on the net--but have to check up on the spelling. "Avizan" or "Azivan?"
Tobias - - Your message was so sweet, wishing my sister and I good luck and saying you'll be thinking of us. Ditto, you! Incidentally, Alice and I live in one another's pockets! We're both in the same NYC apt. building, tho in different apts. (I separated from my husband two years ago--and finally have enough space for all my junk!) :D There is no one in the world who means more to me than my twin. She has seen me through (and vice versa) horrible clinical depressions, anxieties, caring for a wonderful mother who slowly became senile...and now we're sharing this addiction. We talk all the time about how very lucky we are to have one another. She works at home as a free-lance writer and I'm am a news publication all day--but the minute I get home, I go up to her apt and we talk for about two hours. When they talk about "soulmates"--having an identical twin is exactly that. Oddly enough, you can still be lonely and depressed by life, even with a soulmate--but the difference is that your soulmate shares it with you. When I separated from my husband, Alice saw me through it. Twins share an undescribably, almost intangible bond--the best in the world, in my humble opinion. :) But both of us are also very aware of our friends' problems and lonliness--and we each have our own special friends, who we try to "mentor" thru hard times.
Your description of taking the MsContin is exactly what I had wondered about. The main difference between you and I is just that, for me, the effects of it were WORSE than withdrawal. Almost like my body was allergic to it. About ten pills have been gathering dust in my dresser for a year now. And believe me--it ain't strength and fortitude. :D I just can't TAKE the stuff.
I know so well about how withdrawals make you depressed. Even though others would say I'm not "on" all that much....and AM tapering...the depression of looking forward to only "reality" can be overwhelming. But...this just proves how awful all this stuff is, because I have nothing to be depresed about. And, besides, my years on Prozac and Wellbutrin have been a lifeline to me. Thanks heavens my actual clinical depression can be curbed. But, somehow, withdrawal, makes life seem so stark. And even though these opiates were affecting my mind and my memory (and how quickly I could think on the job)--I found it so hard to taper until they became unavailable. I think the mental effects of withdrawal are almost worse than the physical (tho, I'm currently enjoying both!)
Both Alice and I wish you the very best--and we'll be thinking of you, also. We hope you will find a soulmate, too. :)