Discussions that mention morphine

Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia board


Martha ..

you and I are SO alike !!!!!! I was mentally abused in my first marriage .. controlled .. manipulated ... not that I realised it .. all in the effort of 'keeping the peace' until ONE DAY ... enough was enough and I walked out.

T'was the hardest thing to do in my life.

Actually .. I've run away from all confrontation in my life, I ran away from home at 16, I ran away from a not so good marriage, I've run away from jobs in the past that were too confrontational and made me miserable (always to another job ... gotta be responsible!!) ....

So ...... why can't I MYSELF go up to people and say "look .. your asking too much of me, your pushing me too far and I cant' live up to your expectations or what I think you want of me" ......

G - the Social Worker and I are going through this one at the moment. He's a Trouper .. I will admit ... with the right words ..but not 'right' enough to make me able to verbally say anything .. I can to those NOT involved (you guys, social worker, specialists) but not to those concerned ....

WHY?

Anyway .. from what I can gather, people who end up caring for others have a moral and ethical battle .. and have at all times. We put up with "X" amount of stress and wait until the LAST MOMENT. We can't walk away WHEN WE SHOULD, we hang in until it turns into a volcano .... at at what cost? OUR HEALTH .. OUR SANITY !!!

*taking deep breath*

FIL is in hospital. MIL came home just as ambo's were loading him in. She leapt out of the car, glared at me (but didn't hit or scream .. so this is a step up) tapped his feet, stayed with him for a moment .. and then happily went upstairs into the house. I hopped in the ambulance with FIL and stayed with him (making sure ambo's DIDN'T give him morphine .. !!! ACK !!!!)

I KNOW I have done my best. I KNOW I have done as much as I can. I am FLATLY refusing to look after MIL ... I just had a conversation with one of my nieces (BIL's 2nd eldest daughter) and felt like I haven't done enough ... ACK .. more GUILT !!! Slap up side of head .. SHE doesn't live here, BIL DOESN'T live here ... I keep saying that .. I keep saying that .... but NOBODY is listening !!!!!!!!!!!!

I even said to niece, "sweety, your DAD doesn't live here, he doesnt SEE Nanna's behaviour .. he hears about it, but he doesn't SEE IT" and she said "Yeah but he's gotta make a living too ..." I said "yup, don't dispute it, nor am I asking for him to do 24/7, but I need help with two old people .. there's not enough of us to go around"

And yet .... I can't even take my kids away for a break over THEIR school holidays ... well, BIL comes home tomorrow night, I'll see him Friday. I will TELL HIM he can have his mother for a few days and WE will go to my Mum's, or DH's and BIL's cousin (just an hour away on a property) ... but I need to get the kids AWAY .. they have the right do do SOMETHING cool on a holiday .. yes??

Ok .. ranting and raving now ....... will sign off

Hugs
Sally