Discussions that mention morphine

Addiction & Recovery board


You know I never actually conciously think about the energy or enthousiasm factor. I mean I have like zero motivation lately (past few days) but for the most part I don't seem to mind that. I so rarely just take two weeks to sit around and do virtually nothing, so I'm almost okay with that. There are times though when I want to work out or hit the Strip and I just can't muster the effort to bother. That is frustrating. Thankfully I've had few critical things to address recently, but when I have had them I get hit with a burst of nervous energy and adrenaline that seems to carry me. This is in very short supply now though. I still very much like I'm acting when I deal with people too. Like I am doing an impersonation of me instead of actually being me. Very surreal feeling. I suppose I'm grateful I can even pull that off. If I didn't live out here and do what I do I'm certain I couldn't get away with this. As it is I'm back to dodging certain calls and I've avoided my Mother like the plague. There is no way she wouldn't notice this -- not because we are close (we aren't) but because the universe hates me and if I had to contend with her not only would she figure it out (she's a got a 10 year pill habit) but it very likely wouldn't stay quiet for long. I'm positive if she lived out here my entire life would implode -- as foretold by the ancient prophesy.

You know the thing with the hottub is that I find at night it ends up waking me up more than anything. When I was still having RLS during the day (which thankfully doesn't happen anymore) it was great, but for sleeping, not so much. On the bright side my pain has been nominal today. I wouldn't even mind the insomnia/RLS stuff if I didn't suddenly become so dead tired that I can do nothing but yawn and I feel the RLS kick in, but then can't sleep for another four hours. That is the worst. I've come to loathe midnight. All of this has put a damper on any sleepovers because I just don't want to bother with the questions. Maybe tonight will be better though. It is possible I suppose, so I'll try to dread the coming darkness a little less.

All I can say is I hope week three is better because I really can't just do nothing for another two weeks. I really haven't looked back though. I don't have any cravings and I threw out the left over empty pill bottles the other day without so much as a twinge of desire. I hate the stuff, regret it, and no matter how long it takes to feel good again there is a 0% of me taking another morphine again. I'd be more inclined to stand in front of an oncoming train than to touch another pill. In fact, an oncoming train is a million times more appealing because at least the coming death is quick as opposed to the slow suicide I was commiting before. And I say this as someone who really hates having their hair messed up!

I'm glad things are improving for you, it gives me hope. Your peace of mind goal is a worthy one. I can't even count how many things I've blown off in the past two weeks under that line of reasoning. I can also relate to the freedom from waking up and having to reach for that bottle. Man everything was planned around taking my dose but I'm surprised how quickly that compulsion left. I think about that freedom everytime I start feeling really edgy just to remind myself why I'm going through all this.

23 hours of daylight a month? Time to buy a home out in the AK!

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