Discussions that mention morphine

Addiction & Recovery board

Hi! I am new to this forum. As a matter of fact, this is my first reply. I have spent the last 30 or 45 minutes reading through different people's stories, and, yes, it actually does make it better to hear how others have made it through.

Here's my story--

I had a car accidnt about 7 years ago. Shortly afterwards, I started taking hydrocodone. At first it was for the pain. Quickly there after, I started noticing the great feeling it gave me. It was such a burst of energy. I found that I was nice to everyone, very talkative, and I could work without limits, requiring very little sleep. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night just to take another pill. That went on for quite a while. Slowly, I went from 1 or 2 a day to 5 or 6, ultimately ending up at about 25 or 30 a day. In the latter days, I wouldn't count the pills. I guess that was a way of not coming to grips with this problem.

I ended up having one back surgery in 2003 (partial laminectomy), followed by a major 3-level fusion in the summer of 2005. I could tell I was REALLY addicted when I was in the hopital with the last surgery. Not only did I sneak pills into the hospital; to take on top of the pain pump I had been given, but the traditional amounts of morphine and dilaaudid just weren't working for me. My neurosurgeon commented that he had never had to give someone so much dilaudid following surgery to alleviate the pain. I told him I just had an inherently high tolerance to pain meds.

Well...what started as a "majic pill" turned around on me and made my life miserable. I hated to talk to anyone, I noticed my job was suffering, and [frankly] noone really wanted to be around me anyone (not that I wanted to be around them, anyway). Thje perfect day for me was one where I was ALL ALONE. I had always been somewhat of a loner, but this was taken to a new extreme.

Outside of work, I did NOTHING. I went home, watched TV, eat, and went to sleep. I hated for the phone to ring. As a matter of fact, people always took it as a "hit or miss" to whether or not they could reach me. Sometimes I'd sit there and let it ring, without a care in the world for who it may be.

Financially, it was killing me as well. I was doing the same thing that I have read about on this forum. I would "doctor shop" and go to different pharmacies claiming I didn't have insurance. I really reached a low the last 6 months, for I was forging RX's left and right. Although I'm not doing this anymore, I'm deathly afraid that this is going to come back on me.

The big kicker financially, though, has to be the on-line pharmacies. I learned the ins and outs of the on-line pharmacy world. Some of them require you talk to a doctor for like 30 seconds, who then will prescribe either 90 or 120 Hydro 10/500 or 10/650 with 3 refills. Others required nothing more than a credit card. It is unbelievable. These places still call my cell phone letting me know "that my refill is ready for my pain meds." Just today, I noticed that one of these places actually charged my credit card without getting my permission. Now, I've got to change all my credit card information.

This internet thing was costly. The places that required the doctor "consultation" charged between 100 - 150 bucks for the 30 second discussion, and then about $1-2 a pill for the medicine. The other ones (that didn't require the "consult") were getting up to $4 a pill. It didn't matter to me, though, as long as I could get my pills. Who cared if I could pay my light bill, car note, etc?? (as long as I got my pills)

So here's what happened---
About 3 weeks ago, I reached an all-time low. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go on or not. I decided to break my silence and let my family in on my little secret. I was expecting everyone to really look down on me. I guess that I had been "emotionally numb" for so long, it was hard to fathom that my family might just really care. Anyway, they found out about suboxone treatment and talked to me about it.

I decided to go for it! I had tried to quit on my own a few times in the past, but I never seemed to have the discipline. Well, the doctor required that I be off the medication for 48 hours prior to showing up. He also suggested that I take a little time off of work.

The weekend before last I stopped the medication, starting my 48 hour waiting period. I also took vacation from work for all of last week. The first 2 days were BRUTAL. I had all the normal side effects and was truly a JERK in every sense of the word. I went in his office on Tuesday (after Memorial Day). By then I was actually feeling better. He talked with me for a while and then sent me to the pharmacy to get 2 pils (2mg each). He gave me one at his office and asked me to take the other that night. I had to do this for the following 3 days. Each day he increased my dosage, and on Friday he gave me a script for 6 days (8mg 2xday). I have to go back on Thursday to get another week's worth.

Last week went by OK. I can't say it was easy, but it wasn't as hard as I expected. Part of the reason it probably seemed easy was because I was off of work and was able to just lay around all day. I could hardly sleep at night, but that didn't really matter since I had cleared my calendar and had nothing to do.

OK- so today is my first day back at the office. Other than my first 48 hours, this has been the hardest day yet. I am having stomach pains, am sweating a lot, and am experiencing more cravings than I did the last few days. Also, I don't feel like doing any work. It's weird because I don't mind sitting here typing into this forum, but the though of doing any real work on my computer seems dreadful. Like many of the reast of you, I focus on tomorrow and the fact that it'll hopefully be better than today. Clearly, time is the best medicine for sopmething like this.

Something that is of particular interest to me is around the dialouge about benzo's. I have had anxiety problems for some time, and xanex has seemed to provide the short-term relief I needed. I can honestly say, though, that I've never had an addiction problem with the xanex. I know this because of several reasons: (1) I have run out on NUMEROUS occassions and didn't suffer any w/d's, (2) I have always used xanex on an "as needed" basis and didn't take it just to be taking it, and (3) I haven't experienced a build-up of tolerance like I did with the opiates.

When I went to the doctor for my suboxone, he gave me a pamhlet with some useful information on it. One thing that stuck out was a warning about the dangerous interactions the suboxone could have with benzo's. I didn't ask the doctor any questions and just took it at "face value" figuring it must be dangerous. I had thought all along that the xanex would have probably helped with the opiate w/d's, but I didn't pursue it, given the warning. I have read on this site where many people are taking benzo's daily and aren't experiencing any problems. Is this warning legit? Or does the doctor post this (and drug test) just to keep you off of another potentially additctive drug?

Thanks to all of you who take the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the benzo issue.