Discussions that mention oxycontin

Addiction & Recovery board

Hi, I'm new here and basically just really frustrated with my current state of being right now and looking for answers I guess, or at least people who can relate and may have advice.

To give a bit of background, I am a recovering heroin and oxycontin addict and if I'm striving to be completely honest I am a functioning alcoholic. I have been clean and sober this time around since the end of October and the only reason I am still clean and sober is because I am 33 weeks pregnant. Before getting clean this last time I had been using Oxy and on a few occasions Heroin for almost a year after having been clean for two years. Which that two year stretch of sobriety had followed a 3 year period in which I was severely strung out. I had been clean six months prior to that and yadda yadda you get the picture.

I dont know why I am having such a difficult time with things but for the past couple weeks things have been very challenging. I have yet to slip up because as I stated I am pregnant and being that I already was using for a month before I found out I was pregnant and I have a hard time dealing with knowing that, I would hate myself for knowingly using when I wouldn't be the only one being negatively effected.

I am terrified for what might happen after the baby is born though.

I have spent my life getting clean for the sake of other people and have never kicked because I wanted to. I have never wanted any part of recovery and I need to know how to figure out how to want to be clean. It makes me feel like a terrible mother for saying that even though I'm about to have a child I STILL dont actually want to stay clean / sober.

I caught myself bargaining or trying to work something out in my head so that once the baby comes it wouldn't be so bad if I just used once a week on the weekend or something but I know thats not really possible.

It just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me feel like **** that I can't figure this out and that no matter how hard I try I just cant get it together completely.

It frustrates me that I want to feel numb again and that I want to just sit in a closet some where and shoot the day away and not give a ****.

Giving a **** is exhausting me and I feel frustrated that I can't deal