Discussions that mention oxycontin

Addiction & Recovery board

I have been on this board for a few months now and I have posted here and there, more of a lurker than anything else. I have had an addiction to suboxone on and off for 4 years or so. I have been on and off of suboxone for about a year. If anyone is interested in my story, you can look back at some of my previous posts. Anyway over the course of the last 2 weeks I have relapsed. My drug of choice is oxycontin and it is extremely frustrating and it drives me crazy. I feel so weak and just dirty. I relapsed for a weekend and then went back on suboxone for a week and then again I relapsed this weekend. IT is so disheartening becasue I felt that suboxone was such a great tool for me when i began using it but now I feel like im using it as a crutch. Previously when I tried to kick the habit and I was clean for a while, the fears of withdrawl would keep me in line, but now I know in the back of my head that once I am all out of pills and the withdrawls begin, I have the suboxone to save me.

I have kept my dr. informed of all my previous relapses but this time I have not, i had an appt. last week and I lied and said everything was fine. As strange as this sounds I just didnt want to let the dr. down. I know this is crazy becasue this is waht they are there for but I had relapsed many other times and I get the feeling I am wearing on her. She has previously told me that the only way I can truly stay sober is through meetings. I dread the idea of going to a meeting and actually having person to person converstations about my drug use. I am just so frustrated and sad that this affliction will never go away. I can go for months and feel great and be relieved I no longer use but then in a flash I get an urge and Im right back in the midst of this hell. When I am not using I am a better man, a better BF a better family member and a better friend. when i am using I am not a better anything. I am just at my wits end and I am really hurting here. I cannnot continue this vicious cycle of being clean for months and then using for 2 weeks and wiping away all of the positive things I gained from being clean. I am sorry to ramble on like this but obvioulsy since I began using again I have not visited this site. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. For all of those who are winning this battle good luck and keep fighting.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes I am sure my post could be the post for many anonymous addicts out there. It is amazing to me that people from completely different backrounds, beliefs, hobbies and family can have such similar traits when it comes to addiction. I often wonder if people possess addiction from birth. For example I became addicted to Oxycontin after numerous surgeries and additional recreational use. If I hadnt had the surgeries I probably never would have tried painkillers but I wonder if eventually I would have had an addiction issue with something else or if the first time you use an addictive substance it opens pandoras box and there is no turning back. At this point in my life I do not want regret to play a role, I have made mistakes and to dwell on those mistakes will only make things worse. It has been two days since I last used, from my previous posts you can see that I have had a mixed bag when it comes to suboxone. Eventually the suboxone becomes a crutch and I believe it hinders my recovery. I am making every effort this time to not use suboxone. I hope to etch these withdrawl symptoms in my head, I want to remember the last two nights when lying in bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep and unable to get comfortable and I hope I am able to utilize these feelings a month from now when I am no longer withdrawing and that devil on my shoulder starts trying to convince me to use again. Again I really am grateful to those that have responded to my previous posts. Hearing from others that are battling this just like me and actually hearing from people that have won the fight. Well I guess you can never declare victory, you always have to keep your guard up. Anyways keep it up!!