Discussions that mention prozac

Depression board

Long winding rant. I'm sorry.

I've been so low lately, lower than I've ever been. I'm 19 and have been depressed for the last 6-7 years, although I wasn't diagnosed until I was 16. It seems like I've been continually depressed for the last year and I can't remember when I felt happy last. I'm trying so hard to overcome this, trying different meds and going to therapy religiously but it seems nothing is helping. I've tried Paxil, Zoloft, Buspar, Prozac and now I'm on Lexapro, which in all honesty doesn't seem to be helping much. My therapist has been prescribing Ritalin for supposed ADHD for the last 6 months; I personally don't think I have ADHD but I find the Ritalin helps me concentrate so whether I have it or not at this time doesn't matter much to me. What ever works, right?

I'm a full time college student and work almost every night waitressing as I'm financially independent from my parents. Now that classes are wrapping up, I fear I'm making B's and C's which is definitely not what I had aimed for which makes me even more depressed as I feel like a total idiot loser.

Now that Mother's Day is coming up, issues that I've long tried to keep under wraps in regard to my mother have been coming up. We're all going out to dinner this Saturday in honor and I already know I'm going to have to buy her a gift. I know she never meant to hurt me or my brother and that she just simply was and is how she is but I still feel angry. That she allowed so much abuse to happen to us as children, when we were our most vulnerable. My father was a hardcore drug addict, which meant growing up he was constantly bringing home crack, pawning all my stuff off or beating me and my brother up. I guess my mom never planned on being married to a man like that but being the good Christian she was, the whole idea of divorcing my father was out of the question instead she was an emotional wreck and would often forget that me and my brother even existed. Luckily for me and my brother my father was sent to prison for attempted murder and for a while we were safe.

When I was around 9-10 my brother for reasons I'll never understand molested me, I've never talked to him about it and I don't know if I ever will. A part of me wonders whether he was just acting out what may have happened to him, my dad was always keen on getting my brother alone. I've tried to talk to my mom about the abuse but she keeps saying it was so long ago and I need to get over it already.

My dad died a year ago from Hepatitis with a lot of my feelings and issues with him still unresolved. I just feel like such a terrible person, like I should be there more for my family but as it is I can barely see them without feeling anger and disgust. My mother has been getting worse, she calls me every other day crying and it has gotten to the point where I dread listening to my messages. I only really have one good friend but he has already told me he doesn't want to hear about my problems, which is understandable. So here I am burdening, bothering or perhaps enraging who ever is reading this with my stupidity, laziness and self absorption.

Lately, I fear what I'll do one of these days when I'm not thinking clearly. When I go into one of my emotional tailspins, I lose all touch with reality as the only thing I understand and know is the pain which I'm sure you all must know well by now. I just want to be normal and not feel so hopeless and alone. Will it ever get better?