Discussions that mention prozac

Depression board


Hi

it seems like my "issues" are coming to a head all at once. i have been unhappy all of my life. i remember feeling very sad, anxious, and just different from everyone else, even at a very young age. i had a very traumatizing childhood with an abusive father and an emotionally unavailable mother. it's hard to tell which of my unhealthy traits are biological and which stem from unhealthy coping mechanisms. my mom is either bipolar or borderline and i can't even begin to imagine whats wrong with my dad. its just dysfunction all around.

i'm in college, but i have very low motivation. life seems like too much work. i am alienated from the few friends i have. i don't know whether i'm agoraphobic, avoidant personality, or have social anxiety. i feel like i could be any one or all of those. i'm very anxious and shy in social situations and always have been, with a few exceptions where i felt safe and allowed my "true" self to come out. i feel like i am naturally a pretty outgoing person, but depression and low self esteem are holding me back.

my mom is threatening to kick me out because i don't have a job, but i'm SCARED to get a job. i don't feel like i can handle getting the stress and personal interaction right now, i mean, i get nervous talking to a cashier at a store!! i've told my mom this and told her i feel suicidal (which is a big step bc i usually keep everything inside), but she told me to get over it and get a job anyway. she tells me i have "no emotions" and that i need to get a life. (thanks mom). i've always gotten the impression that she and most of my family think i'm wierd and defective. i have alot of anger towards that because my defectiveness is due in large part to my crappy childhood and lack of familial support!!

there is a huge disconnect between the public face i put on and what i feel like inside. i have no one to confide in. there is this one guy who i talk to occasionally. we are alot alike and we talk about everything, except very personal things like depression. i know if i told him how i feel he would be outwardly understanding but inside he'd be turned off. i can't trust my feelings towards him because i know that i'm latching on to him because i'm so unhappy. i've always gotten really intense crushes and fantasies. i hate myself for being like that and i hate that i can't control it. i've never had a boyfriend (i'm 20). i'm afraid of intimacy and being abandoned.

i think about this guy obssesively. he is the only one who understands me and i have fantasies of us getting married which i know logically is totally irrational. he is my chance for a normal relationship and closeness, and my mental instability is ruining it.

my life now consists of getting on the internet, going to school (little to no social interaction), or sleeping. i never go anywhere. i'm not happy at home or at school. there's no "safe" place for me.

i saw a therapist at school but he was totally ineffective and condescending so i never went back. i was supposed to get a prescription for prozac but i don't have any money for the bloodwork and tests that i need to have done before i get it. everything seems so complicated.

i don't have insurance or money. my mom doesn't give me any money. we fight all the time and she is so hateful. i probably wouldn't be able to pay for the prozac anyway. so i'm trying to hold out or wait for it to get better but every day is a struggle.

i've been planning to post on here but i had to work up to it. its hard to put your feelings and life into readable words.

please, i would really love to hear from anyone who understands or feels the same way. thank you.
your college shoudl have some kind of mental health program, can you ask to see a different dr or do they only have one. You should check that out, my issues started in college and it I hate to say it but it will get harder so go talk to someone. Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to get some help and encouragement. I wouldnt start anythign more with this guy till you get feeling a little better about yourself. You are not alone. I don't mean to be harsh but it might be good you haven't had a boyfriend because I was sort of like you and was devastated by someone I needed in college and it made everything worse. Bloodwork for prozac? I didn't know you had to. Is there a local clinic maybe that does sliding fees based on income or lack there of? Just trying to think where you can go if you don't like the guy at school. I feel awful how your mom responded. i am now a mother and I can't imagine my child saying that. Yea if you can get some kind of low stress job just to calm your mother it might be a good idea. Maybe a call to a local hotline or hospital will help you find a program in your area. BEst of luck and let us know how it goes.