Discussions that mention remeron

Depression board


Hi Guys, I'm new here and don't know if this is in the right place, but I'm hoping someone can help a little.

I've been gettin treated for depression for over a year now, and see a psych every fortnight. I had a big talk with a friend (E) recently and she says I'm not getting the help I need cos I'm not telling my psych everything. I live in a small community and can't let any of this get out so I'm not comfortable with anyone finding out. Basically, I've started drinking alone alot at night and go out every weekend and take loads of drugs. It's pretty much a case of if it's there then I'll take it. I've also been taking things that aren't mine.... I know it's a really awful thing to do but I genuinely don't know why. It's mostly just thigns like taking a bottle of wine from work, but in Feb I used my Aunt's credit card. When she noticed she started going mad at my cousin. I felt so bad an eventually had to text her one night tellign the truth. She was actually really good about it. She said she wouldn't tell anyone and she understands that I'm not myself at the mo.
So E and I had a big talk and I told her most of this stuff. She thinks I'm doing it for attention, I can see how it sounds like that but it's really not true!!! I don't know why I've turned into such a bad person, it's just kinda happened. I'm never happy, and I have to spend so much time around uber-happy folk all the time, so having a drink or a few lines of coke just kinda takes me up to the same level as they are when they're sober. Well, it's meant to work that way, but for some reason it doesn't work properly anymore. I think I could drink a gallon of vodka and I would still feel sober, nothing seems to get through these days.
I know people will say I don't deserve help cos I'm damaging my body further, when the depression is already damaging it, and it's self inflicted. I can see things from the outside point of view- I know alcohol is a major depressant and I know I feel a million times worse after a being on a bender, but I can't see that at the time.
I never used to be like this. I used to have a drink when I was out at weekends, but I'd never drink alone and was very very anti-drugs. At christmas my mum caught me cutting myself.... I've been doing it for about 3years, just to relieve the frustration. My psych knows about the cutting but she lets me keep doing it.... she says it's my best friend and I need that crutch to lean on. But E says she would think different if she knew that I use drink, drugs and sex as crutches too.
I just wish something would help me stop feeling this way. I take 75mg of Effexor every morning and have tried Prozac, Remeron and Amyltriptaline before that. I'm trying so many things.... what else can I do?? I've tried to kill myself twice in the past 6 months- I took an overdose of painkillers, antidepressants and alcohol last month, and I drove my car into a wall before that. Nothing helps and I just don't know what else to do