Discussions that mention remeron

Depression board


Hello everyone --

I have psychotic depression and am really in a bad way at the moment. I hear voices in my head (mostly whispering and my name being called out) and am virtually incapacitated by a deep depression. I sleep for most of the day because I simply can't face the outside world; my bed is the only place I feel (relatively) safe. I'm unemployed (I left my last job becuase I couldn't cope) and so have absolutely nothing to do all day. I am currently seeing a p-doc and am on meds (abilify and remeron); but they're not working. My next appointment with my p-doc is on the 31st of this month. I think he's going to change my meds -- again. I'm only 24 and am terrified that I'm going to suffer from depression for the rest of my life; that I'm never going to get over this wretched disease. At 24 I should be out there with my friends enjoying life; this should be one of the most happy and carefree periods of my entire life -- but it isn't. I feel so guilty about feeling this was as in many ways I'm extremely lucky. I have a nice family, graduated last year from a top university, have quite a lot of friends; but inside I'm dying. I'm currently working with a psychotherapist and have discovered how certain things that happened to me when I was younger are contributing to my depression. For example, my ex-girlfriend had an abortion; and I feel a crippling amount of guilt and grief over it. Although I sometimes feel that we did the right thing (we were very young at the time -- only 15), most of the time I feel that we killed a baby and that I need to be punished severely for it. Actually, I feel as though I'm beyond redemption; that we killed a baby and that there's no earthly way that I can ever make amends for it; that because we killed a baby I deserve to feel this depressed -- that in a way my psychotic depression is a fitting punishment. That's why I think that I'll always be depressed -- because in a sense my depression is a self-imposed punishment for my ex-girlfriend's abortion. The only way in which I could make amends for what happened would be if, somehow, the baby could be brought back to life; but of course it can't. I've tried to work through these issues with my therapist; but to no avail -- I still feel just as depressed as I did when I started working with him over a year ago. I just can't see any way of coming to terms with my ex-girlfriend's abortion. I'm an atheist and not in the least religious, so I can't ask for god's forgiveness. One doesn't change the rules of the game because one is loosing.

Thanks to anyone who manages to finish this long, rambling post.

Best,

Dave_81
When I took remeron all I wanted to do was sleep plus it didn't help at all. Antipsychotics also tend to be very sedating. If you've been taking these meds for a while with no help then I'd def. consult your psychiatrist for a change.

As far as the guilt for the abortion, ask God for forgiveness, assuming you believe in God which it seems you do. The awesome thing about God is that you can do the most terrible thing in the world and he'll still welcome you back with open arms. If you don't believe me, ask a pastor.

I'm pro-choice because I don't believe life begins at conception. If an organism can't live outside of its mother's body then it's not alive to me. I'm sure there are people who vehemently disagree, but that's my opinion. I don't consider a two-celled sperm and egg combo a living being and I'm not sure where you'd drawn the line if not at the point where something can live outside its mother.

Whatever your beliefs about abortion, being the kids that you were you cannot shoulder this guilt. Everyone makes mistakes (not saying that this was a mistake mind you). You made the best decision you could at the time and there's nothing you can do to change that.

I wish the best for you!
Hey Bree,

Thanks for the kind words! Because of the depression and my feelings of guilt over the abortion I tend to be very, very self-critical, so it's really nice when someone offers me some kind words. I think that you're very caring and thoughtful too. After all, even though you have your own problems, you took the time to help me, a complete stranger not so long ago. And you most certainly do not seem old and tired (as you say) to me. Your posts are always vibrant and refreshing -- and interesting. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks for the advice on volunteering. I think I might volunteer my services for a couple of days a week at first, just until I get used to it and get some confidence back. I was worried about going back full time, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. I don't think I could cope with that at the moment So I think I'm gonna take your advice and just volunteer for 2-3 days a week at first, then see how things go.

How come your doctor upped your AD? Didn't you feel that it was working? Are you feeling worse? You do have a lot of stress at the moment (moving house, etc). When I last saw my doctor he took me off of the anti-psychotic I was on (abilify), because it wasn't really doing anything; also because I'm not really experiencing any psychotic symptoms anymore (the auditory hallucinations have died down, etc). I've been off of the anti-psychotic for a couple of weeks now and I must say I do feel a bit better. I don't think it was doing me any good. I've also stopped taking my anti-depressant (remeron). My doctor doesn't know about it; but I didn't think that it was doing me any good -- it was just making me sleep all of the time and feel really cranky. I know I shouldn't have stopped taking it without speaking to my doctor, but I do feel better now that I'm medication free. Oddly, I think that the medication was having an adverse affect on me. Also, I couldn't bare the thought of taking a load of really powerful meds that weren't actually doing anything. Luckily I haven't really had any withdrawal symptoms; and, like I said, I've been off of everything for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to try to combat my depression using others methods -- like exercise. I've been exercising religiously 3 times a week, and I must admit I do feel a bit better.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Poor thing! Is the heat over there making her worse? I hope that (like the doctors hope) the problem corrects itself as she gets older, and that she doesn't have to undergo surgery. It must be terrible when your kids are ill. My dog has epilepsy and I feel awful when he's ill, so god knows how stressed you must be.

You really made me laugh about the cat hiding in one of the boxes! Cats and dogs really do seem to get into everything. What type of cat do you have? I have a dog (I think I told you), a border collie (he's black and white).

Hope you're okay and not too stressed out over the move.

Best,

James

P.S. I'm glad we're friends too.
Hey you,

Thanks for getting back to me. I didn't think I'd hear from you for a while. It sounds like you're having a really stressful time at the moment. I'm not surprised that you're exhausted. Just reading about your life at the moment (the move, your unfortunate daughter's illness, etc) makes me feel stressed out! How is your daugther doing now? Is she still in hospital? I hope she's not doing too badly. I think that you're doing brilliantly just holding it all together. Remember that I'm always here if you need to talk about anything...I'm glad that your sister's been supportive of you. She sounds really nice! And don't worry, life will get easier one day. Hopefully things will quieten down a bit for you when you get in the new house. Good luck with the packing!

Have you had any problems with having your medication increased? Any side-effects? I used to find that, whenever they upped my meds, I'd become really tired for a while until I got used to the higher dose...I sorry that your husband hasn't been much support. From what I've read on this website, it seems like the people closest to us sometimes are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with our problems. Like I said in a previous post, it's odd how strangers can sometimes be more interested in and understanding of our problems than are our closest family members. I'm sorry that he left his job. That must put a lot of extra stress on you, which you obviously don't need at the moment. How are you coping? My older sister's partner got the sack from his job the other day. He just didn't bother turning up all of last week. Now they've split up. She's gonna be a single mother now. (Her baby's only 6 months old.) I guess I'm gonna be the closest thing the baby's gonna have to a dad for a while. Well, until my sister's finds a new partner, anyway.

Yes I am doing better off of the meds, although I still feel depressed. The self-loathing certainly hasn't gone away. Don't think it will until I properly come to terms with my girlfriend's abortion, which I haven't done yet. I feel a lot less tired though, which is good. (The remeron was making me feel aggressively tired all day long; I just couldn't stay awake.) I really hope that I can stay off of the medication. On the other hand, the depersonalisation is as bad as ever. My shrink said candidly that there was nothing he could do about it. Well, he said that there are some experimental drug treatments for it, but that it wasn't worth my trying them, since I am still able to function with my depersonalisation. I am seeing a psychotherapsit though, so hopefully the work I'm doing with him (which helps) will have some (positive) impact on it.

About which countries I've visited...I've been to Europe quit a few times. I've been to France (I've seen the Eiffel tower -- it's huge!), Spain and Greece. They were all really nice places. There must be so much to see and do in America. I've never been, although I'd love to -- to expensive to get there, though. However I'm sure I'll go there one day....I haven't really got a list of things I wanna do. Actually, I've never really thought about it. Maybe I should! There's certain (philosophy) books I really wanna read before I peg it. Oh, and I think I'd like to learn another language, maybe German -- then I could read the Germam philosophers I'm interested in the original.

I hope that you're not too stressed with all the packing and that your daughter's doing okay.

Take care.

Best,

James

P.S. I'm glad you feel better knowing that you can write to me. (I feel better knowing that I can write to you.) I'm always here if you need to talk.