Discussions that mention seroquel

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Well I've had mental illness as long as I could remember, and I came here wondering if someone could spread some insight... I'd like to summarize, except even a summary of the problem could go on forever, so I'll do my best to list all important points.

1. My life before I was eight feels like it wasn't mine, as if I'm a different person with those memories. Major upheaval - moving from my mom to my dad who'd separated at 5. I remember the scenes, some things we did and said, but it's not like I was actually there, I can't explain properly. This is not the normal way of not remembering things when you were a child.

2. Since I was eight I had "illusions" (I put this in quotes because my research reveals to me that this may be what it most likely is) - These would "manifest" from objects in my room, such as a coat hanging from a door would look like a robed figure, of course it was a bit more than that, there was always a face, every detail my mind somehow formed on them IF I dared to look for more than a few seconds before fear pulled me away.

3. Since I was 15 I sometimes heard voices - But not in the way that would immediately come to your mind. Sometimes I could be reading a book and look up, unable to tell if someone called my name, sometimes I know they definitely did and I walk into the living room and it turns out no one did, I could knock on the bathroom door and have no idea whether someone actually replied or not - As in, if the response was real.

4. At 15 the illusions still persisted, I had no one I could tell. But there was something else, I started having "hallucinations" too - This did not manifest from something that was there, and most of the time I would see a corpse of a girl (of course, this hallucination? was not as dead as you'd want a corpse to be) - 5 years old. And I can feel her emotion, or I think I can? But that's something weird to me, because if I can (after all, she is a manifestion of mine, no?) then she isn't feeling hatred, isn't feeling love, isn't feeling... anything, but she is, if I can explain this properly, the very essence of hatred, as if someone had extracted hatred and that was her form - similar in the way we see death. Speaking of death, sometimes I wake up and see him about to grab my throat for a split second and then its gone. Sometimes if I went out at night to see a movie or something by the time I get back home I'm covered in sweat and I'm shaking and lay awake all night, sometimes I wake up with blood on my hands because my finger nails dug too deep into my hands from clenching my fists.

5. At 18 I finally managed to ask for help after enduring it for 10 years (maybe longer, I can't remember) and instead of a GP went right ahead and called mental health services and was being helped by them for maybe 1 - 1.5 years. During that time I was given nothing but fluoxetine hydrochloride and quietiapine fumurate. That is, prozak and seroquel. I was given help in attempting to fix my real life situation (which was horrid) - But nothing made the hallucinations stop. Although I don't really hear things anymore.

6. I left school at 15, tried to do a course at 16, failed. I can not work, I can not study, and have attempted to.

7. At almost 20 I haven't had any mental health help in a year, it's no longer extended to me. My doctor and therapist said maybe I should see a regular GP with no real reason. My GP charges $30 a visit I simply can't afford and my government gives me (in weekly payments...) the money which I'm never going to be able to save maybe $1 a week for the 6 monthly visits they think I need. Hallucinations and illusions getting worse, I'm sorry if I have the wrong term there but please enlighten me.

8. This is a main point... I was able to speak of the hallucinations/illusions when I was completely broken down, had nothing left at all, and in utter desperation and I was basically screaming inside just to say it... And there's a reason.

During the day I am somehow mentally impaired from relating to the way I am when I am alone at night, and that's when it gets really, really bad... I don't know how to explain that, I simply can NOT get help for myself when it's not happening so bad. It's not being lazy, it's not even being too low on energy, it's like theres something mentally blocking me from seeking help at the times I can get it (for a price I can't really pay).

9. Sometimes I don't believe I'm hallucinating because it's too real, and that's what really scares me.

Any advice at all is appreciated.. thanks.

(edit) I'm going to add one thing, which I'm sure might help people - I got a portable MP3 player, if I listen to music it makes all the things I see appear WAY less, best thing I ever bought. At least as long as I can keep my mind on the music or my thoughts constantly preoccupied by it.