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Addiction & Recovery board

I am addicted to pain pills. I have a wonderful husband that hates that I take pills. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for years and I know that it has everything to do with my addiction. I will take pretty much anything as long as it gives me a buzz, and I've been dealing with this for about 10 years now. I go on binges with Vicodin, Tylenol #3, Oxyconitn, Ultram, Xanax, just about anything I can get my hands on. I know I need to stop, and I have been trying to do it on my own. I really think I can do it, but I think I need serious help that I'm not sure I'm ready to come out with yet. My husband and friends know that I'm a "pill popper", but I don't think they have a clue on just how bad it is.

My biggest problem right now is that I have been stealing pills from my husbands Mom for about 5 years now. I beg my husband sometimes to fake back pain to get them, and we always end up fighting until I get my way. He hates doing it for me. I have been trying not to take any from her, but something took over today, and we went over to his parents house just so I could get my hands on some. I know that his Mom knows, she's not a stupid woman, but I know she doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to start a confrontation.

I feel so much guilt and shame right now, and I can't find the nerve to tell anyone right now. I have so much anxiety and depression over it, that I don't know what to do to never do it again and to forgive myself.

I'm screaming inside and I don't know where to turn. I hate myself for doing this. I need to stop.

Please help!!!!!