Discussions that mention ultram

Addiction & Recovery board

I'm new here on the boards but unfortunately I'm not new to addiction. I've been struggling for years with trying to get and stay clean. I've done pretty much everything I know to do and I always go back to the pills. The problem now is my life has become even more unmanageable than it was before. I never thought it could get any worse but boy was I wrong. I need help!!! Things are so out of control I'm not sure I even have the will to try and go on. The amount of pills I take in one day would be enough to end it all if I was to take them all at the same time..Like most I started taking pills for pain. I took them as prescribed for the first year or so but that was over 10 years ago. So now my dose is completely insane. I now take at least 30 oxycodone 10's a day. Alot of days even more than that. Everyday I say this is it and everyday I pick up where I left off. I pass out at night and wake up in withdraws. I thought I hit my bottom but I know that's not the case. I don't even think I have a bottom. I tried the suboxone route and that didn't work. I discovered if I took Ultram with the suboxone I could still get high. So while doing that I had a seizure while driving and almost lost my life. I spent 2 months in the hospital and came out even more addicted to pain pills. Then I discovered that I had a great way of keeping myself supplied. This time I doctor shopped and I got caught. Now I have been arrested and I am in the middle of that now. I have 5 felony drug charges. Even standing in front of the judge begging to get released on a bond all I could think about is how am I going to get my pills now. I'm scared to death to go through withdraws. I have no self control to taper. My husband refuses to hold my pills for me. We've tried that before. I Really do want to stop I just don't know how. As I sit here the tears are running down my face. I have so much to live for but I have made such a mess of everything. My husband, daughter and mother knows of my addiction but has no idea just how bad it is. I have completely ruined us financially. I'm sorry this is such a long post and I really appreciate anyone that reads this. I'm open to all suggestions. I really don't know what I'm looking for. I just felt compelled to tell my story in hopes of some type of direction or just support to know that I'm not alone. I really do want to stop I just don't know how!!!!
OMG... Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Just knowing someone cares and understands means so much. I am a complete mess this morning. I didn't sleep to much last night. I'm really doing alot of soul searching trying to find a way. I think you may be right Phoenix about my bottom. I never really looked at it that way. And yes emesmom the oxycondone are percoset 10's and I am already having a problem with extremely high liver counts. One of my new doctor's was the one that turned me into the DEA for doctor shopping because of my test results. He said the amount of percoset he was prescribing shouldn't be causing my liver enzymes to be so high. So he went digging into the system to find that I had multiple doctor's with multiple scripts. The thing is deep down I'm glad I got caught. I know I'm killing myself with all of the tylenol. I throw up alot and I have lost a ton of weight. I was only 130 to begin with and I've lost almost 25 pounds since my accident in February. No one knows that I had a seizure from the Ultram except my doctors and myself. I also suffer from extreme low blood sugars and I have told everyone that I passed out from low blood sugar. What a fraud I am hugh?? I need to wake up and get clean with myself so I can get clean with everyone else and start working on a recovery plan. It means so much to know that everyone will help and support me. I need so much help. I will keep posting and like one poster says here " when in doubt post it out" well that will be me. As you can tell I'm not a women of a few words and again I apologize for the long post. And also to Iwilldothis thank you for the kind words and prayers. I can't stop crying. I really do want a better life and a drug free one too!!!!