I'm new here on the boards but unfortunately I'm not new to addiction. I've been struggling for years with trying to get and stay clean. I've done pretty much everything I know to do and I always go back to the pills. The problem now is my life has become even more unmanageable than it was before. I never thought it could get any worse but boy was I wrong. I need help!!! Things are so out of control I'm not sure I even have the will to try and go on. The amount of pills I take in one day would be enough to end it all if I was to take them all at the same time..Like most I started taking pills for pain. I took them as prescribed for the first year or so but that was over 10 years ago. So now my dose is completely insane. I now take at least 30 oxycodone 10's a day. Alot of days even more than that. Everyday I say this is it and everyday I pick up where I left off. I pass out at night and wake up in withdraws. I thought I hit my bottom but I know that's not the case. I don't even think I have a bottom. I tried the suboxone route and that didn't work. I discovered if I took Ultram with the suboxone I could still get high. So while doing that I had a seizure while driving and almost lost my life. I spent 2 months in the hospital and came out even more addicted to pain pills. Then I discovered that I had a great way of keeping myself supplied. This time I doctor shopped and I got caught. Now I have been arrested and I am in the middle of that now. I have 5 felony drug charges. Even standing in front of the judge begging to get released on a bond all I could think about is how am I going to get my pills now. I'm scared to death to go through withdraws. I have no self control to taper. My husband refuses to hold my pills for me. We've tried that before. I Really do want to stop I just don't know how. As I sit here the tears are running down my face. I have so much to live for but I have made such a mess of everything. My husband, daughter and mother knows of my addiction but has no idea just how bad it is. I have completely ruined us financially. I'm sorry this is such a long post and I really appreciate anyone that reads this. I'm open to all suggestions. I really don't know what I'm looking for. I just felt compelled to tell my story in hopes of some type of direction or just support to know that I'm not alone. I really do want to stop I just don't know how!!!!