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Addiction & Recovery board

This is my first post, so I guess I'll give the low down on my many, many problems.

i've been a heroin (smoking) addict for about 7 years, then about 2-3 years ago I added coke to the mix, not to mention my drinking...

I really do want to stop, I've quit cold turkey (using clonodine, valium & remeron) so many times I really can't remember how many. But, I always start again, I get so depressed and bored that I just run back to it. When I'm using I feel normal and can stand the boredom of life, but when I quit (which I do with the 'best intentions' every time, over and over) I find myself just thinking of how much I've lost & screwed up, and figure I might as well use again. Also, I never quit everything, if I stop the heroin, I use coke to get by, or if neither of those then I drink. I've never made it more then a couple weeks without the H, the C I've been on pretty steady, the drinking I do all the time. Plus, I smoke cigarettes and am an asmatic.

In my personal life, I don't really keep in touch with my family, and since I've been using I've really lost touch with them. I have the perfect boyfriend, who I really love and would die without. I know he loves me, we've been together for years, and I've lied, sneaked around to use and stolen thousands of dollars from him, yet he's still with me. But now he's said he'd rather break his heart and leave me then stay and watch me kill myself and keep screwing him over.

so, I'm sure there are alot of people worse off than me, but you always think you're in the worse situation when it's yours. I really find life so hopeless, useless and boring, I don't know what to do.

Right now I've been off H for about 3 weeks, I ran out of $ options so I had to quit. I'm still using C, but I will run out of that within a week, and the booze... who knows... I don't know what to do! I want to be a 'good' person, but I've forgotten how. I think back to my life before all this, and I remember being happy, I don't expect to ever be that person again and now I'm so confused I don't know what I want or what to do.

I've scheduled and appt with an addictionologist, has anyone seen one? Do they help? (I don't want to go to any group therapy, I know I'd never open up in front of others).

And if anyone has any advice or worse problems than me that they overcame, I'd love to hear it.